This I Believe
You know the NPR radio show "This I Believe"? It's a wonderful opportunity for people to say something that they believe is the truth. My therapist, psychologist Mary Plouffe, is one of those who sent in a piece, about 3 years ago. It's BEAUTIFUL what she wrote... please feel free to go listen to her speak it, or read it if you like, at
http://thisibelieve.org/essay/28381/
I went to see her today. In a word, she is amazing. Always. What a gift. I think I mentioned that she saw me for the time that Andy was sick on a pro bono basis? Just so that I wouldn't hesitate to come in if I needed her.
Today we talked about how insane and exhausting it is to lose a close loved one, a child worst of all. I cried through the whole thing. She said when you find yourself unable to connect, it isn't surprising... people ask how *I* am doing, but grieving for all that Andy doesn't have, for his own loss, is going to add to grieving for what I have lost. He will never have so much. Even though I know it's not my fault, I understand for the first time the sorry feelings of being a survivor. How can a mother enjoy the little things: the coffee, the soft pillow, the leaves falling... when her child cannot? No wonder we fall apart over the little things.
And we talked about how maybe I need to structure and plan more personal time. Instead of feeling like a big unreliable mess who can't pull herself together, i.e. a failure for leaving work mid week, I need to PLAN on few afternoons off or something. This has a lot of appeal. Of course it would have even more appeal if I was paid twice as much so I could work half time, haha. But there's no point in pretending I can do what I can't, and based on the fact that I have actually provided about 24 hours of useful work in the past 9 days of office hours, it's time to get real. I need more exercise and more sleep and more time to get centered or just rest and weep... or get into the hot bath with the sprinkles of love that Joanie sent over. Linda (DunneL), what you said makes sense: Strength is not the same as self sacrifice or pretending to be something you're not right now. It's having the strength to do what you need to do for you. Thank you for that.
Byron and Caitlin came over tonight and we had some lovely red wine and watched "In Treatment". Great show. Then "CHOPPED!", the Halloween episode, which had us howling in laughter. Laughter is so good, when it's with people you know understand how it is that you CAN laugh and still be broken hearted.
And OH BTW... no I am not going to drive to fricking Vermont next Thursday for a birthday party of someone who 'sort of' apologizes and just tells me to take better care of myself. What on earth was I thinking. : P Still don't think I did anything so heinous. Now for bed. But Linda (KandL), you're right... that's crazy making time anyway... all that car time alone, I'd spiral down.
Now for sleep.
Love, Sarah
http://thisibelieve.org/essay/28381/
I went to see her today. In a word, she is amazing. Always. What a gift. I think I mentioned that she saw me for the time that Andy was sick on a pro bono basis? Just so that I wouldn't hesitate to come in if I needed her.
Today we talked about how insane and exhausting it is to lose a close loved one, a child worst of all. I cried through the whole thing. She said when you find yourself unable to connect, it isn't surprising... people ask how *I* am doing, but grieving for all that Andy doesn't have, for his own loss, is going to add to grieving for what I have lost. He will never have so much. Even though I know it's not my fault, I understand for the first time the sorry feelings of being a survivor. How can a mother enjoy the little things: the coffee, the soft pillow, the leaves falling... when her child cannot? No wonder we fall apart over the little things.
And we talked about how maybe I need to structure and plan more personal time. Instead of feeling like a big unreliable mess who can't pull herself together, i.e. a failure for leaving work mid week, I need to PLAN on few afternoons off or something. This has a lot of appeal. Of course it would have even more appeal if I was paid twice as much so I could work half time, haha. But there's no point in pretending I can do what I can't, and based on the fact that I have actually provided about 24 hours of useful work in the past 9 days of office hours, it's time to get real. I need more exercise and more sleep and more time to get centered or just rest and weep... or get into the hot bath with the sprinkles of love that Joanie sent over. Linda (DunneL), what you said makes sense: Strength is not the same as self sacrifice or pretending to be something you're not right now. It's having the strength to do what you need to do for you. Thank you for that.
Byron and Caitlin came over tonight and we had some lovely red wine and watched "In Treatment". Great show. Then "CHOPPED!", the Halloween episode, which had us howling in laughter. Laughter is so good, when it's with people you know understand how it is that you CAN laugh and still be broken hearted.
And OH BTW... no I am not going to drive to fricking Vermont next Thursday for a birthday party of someone who 'sort of' apologizes and just tells me to take better care of myself. What on earth was I thinking. : P Still don't think I did anything so heinous. Now for bed. But Linda (KandL), you're right... that's crazy making time anyway... all that car time alone, I'd spiral down.
Now for sleep.
Love, Sarah
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