This deserves more detail...
I'm not going into detail, just wanted to update really. I'm writing this from a friend's house and don't really want to work myself up too much.
Needless to say, since our break up things have just continued to go down hill. I've been extremely depressed lately and it only really seem to be getting worse and lately has had some really strange effects. I feel distant from everything again but this time emotionally I just feel... guarded for lack of a better word. I'm not by any means stable and several times have come dangerously close to a meltdown but for some reason nothing ever seems to phase me. When I start to feel unstable like this it used to be hard to keep calm. Now it seems like I can always keep calm.
Things might seem ok with me, I really don't talk about my depression very much anymore and lately I've just been smoking a lot and drinking pretty heavily. I can't stand being sober!
This depression has been going on for a really long time now.. too long it seems. I feel broken beyond repair.. I have for a long time. This is something no one around me seems to understand. My ex actually did improve my life quite a lot. Loosing her, especially the way that I have was really bad!
I don't even know how this could have happened differently. It's not that I didn't want to be with her anymore, I really did but there were a lot of issues between us that we didn't seem capable of solving. The way things ended was pretty bad though and it's left me feeling pretty much the way I did when I first started this account. Worthless, meaningless, "diseased" and damaged.
To make things worse, NO ONE knew I felt this way before this relationship.. No matter what I say, if I tried to talk to mom about this, she'd blame my ex. This was not her fault. She didn't make me feel this way. Part of the miracle of this relationship was that she actually made me feel SOMETHING again. For a few years, it seemed like I felt nothing. No emotions most of the time. Just blank. She brought me back to life. She healed me!
This is why I feel bad about it all. She did so much good for me, but I feel like all I did was ruin her life. I'm a curse to her! I don't even understand why she still talks to me (and for a while she WAS trying). The more I let myself ponder about it, the worse everything seems. I really did believe she loved me.
Anyway, this is the only place I feel comfortable talking about this. Lately, I haven't really been doing anything to get better.. I kind of don't even want to. For a long time I've known that something like this might happen again but this is WAY different. I have no motivation at all, can't focus my mind anymore and the thoughts in my head are getting scarier and scarier. Because of an unusual amount of calm, I kind of don't let these thoughts bother me too much but sometimes, trying to hear them from anyone else's perspective it sounds pretty terrible.
I'm suffering! For the first week after that break up, I was physically sick. After that, I was just blank for a little while again and then this came on. The thoughts came first, during the "blankness." I feel a little too strong for my own good because not a day goes by that I don't wonder how much longer I have. Although I think about suicide a lot more than I used to, I doubt I'd intentionally go through with it.. which is how depression gets even scarier. My appetite isn't complete gone but it's going. I have chest pains from smoking cigarettes, which I've tried twice to quit. Usually it's not this hard for me to quit anything!
I feel myself fading and I kind of just don't care anymore. I feel like I've failed enough, suffered enough, been fighting this long enough and now I'm tired. Sick of all of it. Its getting harder and harder to push myself into getting better. It just doesn't feel worth it anymore...
For the time being, I'm still alive but I'm not really fighting this anymore. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself.. but sometimes, considering how I have been feeling I wonder... sometimes I'm scared of what I might do if this just keeps on getting worse.
Needless to say, since our break up things have just continued to go down hill. I've been extremely depressed lately and it only really seem to be getting worse and lately has had some really strange effects. I feel distant from everything again but this time emotionally I just feel... guarded for lack of a better word. I'm not by any means stable and several times have come dangerously close to a meltdown but for some reason nothing ever seems to phase me. When I start to feel unstable like this it used to be hard to keep calm. Now it seems like I can always keep calm.
Things might seem ok with me, I really don't talk about my depression very much anymore and lately I've just been smoking a lot and drinking pretty heavily. I can't stand being sober!
This depression has been going on for a really long time now.. too long it seems. I feel broken beyond repair.. I have for a long time. This is something no one around me seems to understand. My ex actually did improve my life quite a lot. Loosing her, especially the way that I have was really bad!
I don't even know how this could have happened differently. It's not that I didn't want to be with her anymore, I really did but there were a lot of issues between us that we didn't seem capable of solving. The way things ended was pretty bad though and it's left me feeling pretty much the way I did when I first started this account. Worthless, meaningless, "diseased" and damaged.
To make things worse, NO ONE knew I felt this way before this relationship.. No matter what I say, if I tried to talk to mom about this, she'd blame my ex. This was not her fault. She didn't make me feel this way. Part of the miracle of this relationship was that she actually made me feel SOMETHING again. For a few years, it seemed like I felt nothing. No emotions most of the time. Just blank. She brought me back to life. She healed me!
This is why I feel bad about it all. She did so much good for me, but I feel like all I did was ruin her life. I'm a curse to her! I don't even understand why she still talks to me (and for a while she WAS trying). The more I let myself ponder about it, the worse everything seems. I really did believe she loved me.
Anyway, this is the only place I feel comfortable talking about this. Lately, I haven't really been doing anything to get better.. I kind of don't even want to. For a long time I've known that something like this might happen again but this is WAY different. I have no motivation at all, can't focus my mind anymore and the thoughts in my head are getting scarier and scarier. Because of an unusual amount of calm, I kind of don't let these thoughts bother me too much but sometimes, trying to hear them from anyone else's perspective it sounds pretty terrible.
I'm suffering! For the first week after that break up, I was physically sick. After that, I was just blank for a little while again and then this came on. The thoughts came first, during the "blankness." I feel a little too strong for my own good because not a day goes by that I don't wonder how much longer I have. Although I think about suicide a lot more than I used to, I doubt I'd intentionally go through with it.. which is how depression gets even scarier. My appetite isn't complete gone but it's going. I have chest pains from smoking cigarettes, which I've tried twice to quit. Usually it's not this hard for me to quit anything!
I feel myself fading and I kind of just don't care anymore. I feel like I've failed enough, suffered enough, been fighting this long enough and now I'm tired. Sick of all of it. Its getting harder and harder to push myself into getting better. It just doesn't feel worth it anymore...
For the time being, I'm still alive but I'm not really fighting this anymore. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself.. but sometimes, considering how I have been feeling I wonder... sometimes I'm scared of what I might do if this just keeps on getting worse.
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