This day could be torture!

Okay as I said yesterday my blood demon has arrived! And what I'm most concerned of is whether I'll be able to tidy my room! (usually I cannot do this sort of thing at this time of month, because its like deliberately bringing the pains on! And I think of myself as quite a lazy person, but at this time of month, I just don't want to stay still! I hate it!)Anyway I have to go out to get supplies for my course, it is very important that I have healthy food and drink when I start my course. (I want to start it of in a healthy way!) And though I am very afraid of starting a new course, with new people. I want to take the leap. I don't want to be forever standing still! And though I think the Dietary supplement may not even work, I could be wrong! It wasn't ever supposed to take away my anxiety like magic, it was just meant to take away my stress and calm me down. And I truly feel I have been quite calm lately because of it! And though I have not fulfilled my goals, it is helping me not to totally freak out and put things out of proportion.And John, (who I have not spoken of for awhile, for this I am quite happy!) though I still do not look at him properly, I am beginning to be more calm around him. And well I do believe it is because I don't think of him in such a romantic sort of way as much as I used to. Although not paying any attention to him may have proved to give him the wrong signals. For now I hardly ever hear him comment on my artwork or cooking. Does he believe I truly despise him? Or maybe he just had a passing crush on me, and he has come to his senses? And even now I begin to doubt even my intentions, did I or do I truly love John MacDonald? Or was it truly another crush, that is now beginning to fade?All I know is if nothing happens between I and him from my 18th till my 22nd year, and I do still feel strongly for him, I will then at last tell my mother how I feel about him. Because at least then I'll be at an age where I should be thinking about marriage.Aside from that, the next few years, I want to concentrate on my course and earning enough money to make ends meet, marriage and relationships are now truly looked away for now.