Thinking way too much, again...
While I am still recovering from the spinal surgery, and will be for a few more months, I have alot of time to sit here and think - which is never, ever a good thing for me.
I watched an HBO miniseries called Mildred Pierce. In this, Mildred finds out that her husband of 11 years has been cheating on her and, after confronting him about it, they seperate. She has to find a way to support her two children, and searches for a job (after getting involved with her husband's "friend"). She finally settles on a waitress job, as this is the only job she is "qualified" for, and her 11 year old daughter starts disrespecting her immediately.
This story concluded last night, and I saw quite a few similarities with my own life. Maybe this story just started me thinking about it again. But I remember my older daughter telling my younger daughter that she was going to "soak me for as much as she could" before moving out on her own (which she did). My younger daughter acted so badly during her teenage years that I had to have her arrested twice and ended up throwing her out on the street when she was 19.
I have always sublimated my needs for the needs of my family, and they have accepted from me without offering much of anything in return. My mother, who was the bane of my teenage years and still annoys me to this date, is the only one who has been at all generous of my entire family. The rest of them feel no remorse in draining my resources until there are none left.
I think that my unfortunate choice in men over the years is a direct result of my feelings of inadequacy and need to feel my own worth in how much I can help other people. Meanwhile, I have not taken care of myself adequately.
I have no job and no prospects; no money and inadequate income, which can be terminated at any time because it is from the government. Right now, I am barely able to do my grocery shopping or cooking because of the pain from the back surgery (and other problems with my spine and joints).
I seriously regret moving to Maine and want to go home more than I can describe. Everything I have is invested in this house, however, and if I leave here without selling it I loose everything again. Worse still, I have nowhere to go, other than to move in with my mother and suffer through her treating me like an infant because she doesn't know any other way to be.
It is hard to be a good parent to your children. It is a vastly complicated venture that most people seem to find impossible. My family was full of unhappy, disturbed individuals, who, while intellegent, could not manage their lives. Very few members of my generation became remotely successful - and those that did generally escaped from the mainstream of the family and went out on their own.
I just haven't gone far enough away...
I watched an HBO miniseries called Mildred Pierce. In this, Mildred finds out that her husband of 11 years has been cheating on her and, after confronting him about it, they seperate. She has to find a way to support her two children, and searches for a job (after getting involved with her husband's "friend"). She finally settles on a waitress job, as this is the only job she is "qualified" for, and her 11 year old daughter starts disrespecting her immediately.
This story concluded last night, and I saw quite a few similarities with my own life. Maybe this story just started me thinking about it again. But I remember my older daughter telling my younger daughter that she was going to "soak me for as much as she could" before moving out on her own (which she did). My younger daughter acted so badly during her teenage years that I had to have her arrested twice and ended up throwing her out on the street when she was 19.
I have always sublimated my needs for the needs of my family, and they have accepted from me without offering much of anything in return. My mother, who was the bane of my teenage years and still annoys me to this date, is the only one who has been at all generous of my entire family. The rest of them feel no remorse in draining my resources until there are none left.
I think that my unfortunate choice in men over the years is a direct result of my feelings of inadequacy and need to feel my own worth in how much I can help other people. Meanwhile, I have not taken care of myself adequately.
I have no job and no prospects; no money and inadequate income, which can be terminated at any time because it is from the government. Right now, I am barely able to do my grocery shopping or cooking because of the pain from the back surgery (and other problems with my spine and joints).
I seriously regret moving to Maine and want to go home more than I can describe. Everything I have is invested in this house, however, and if I leave here without selling it I loose everything again. Worse still, I have nowhere to go, other than to move in with my mother and suffer through her treating me like an infant because she doesn't know any other way to be.
It is hard to be a good parent to your children. It is a vastly complicated venture that most people seem to find impossible. My family was full of unhappy, disturbed individuals, who, while intellegent, could not manage their lives. Very few members of my generation became remotely successful - and those that did generally escaped from the mainstream of the family and went out on their own.
I just haven't gone far enough away...
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