Thinking about Self-harm (Self-harm Trigger Warning)

I don't know the fuck is wrong with me lately. During my last appointment with my counselor, we were talking about what regrets I have in life. Near the end, he suggested that the regrets are actually opportunities for change. I was too embarrassed to tell him this, but I'm scared of change. I'm scared of failing to adapt to changes, and then, people would see my failure. Then, I won't get anyone's approval. I'm not even sure if that made sense. I went back to exercising and I really did feel better afterwards. Yet, I went backing to hating my life as soon as I woke up the next morning. I think hating myself has become a habit.

I also can't stop thinking about hurting myself. I know self-harm is self-destroying act with no benefits in the long run, but I still think about going back to self-harm. The only reason I stopped was because of my counselor. My counselor showed me he cared by listening to me and my admittedly whiny problems. I finally felt validated. I live with my family, but they didn't want to hear what I had to say. I'm not saying they're bad people, but they were indifferent instead of emotional. I think that's the right word. By indifferent, I mean they don't care much for emotional and/or sensitive stuff. They are good people. So indifference is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. Anyway, I stopped harming myself because I actually cared what someone else thought about my self-harm. That someone else was my counselor. I never told him this, but I somewhat regret stopping self-harm.

To make this sound less triggering, I'm not going to go into details about my specific self-harm method. My self-harm method could have potentially killed me if I had hurt myself too much like the act could've have damaged one of my arteries or a vein. Back then, I think I self-harmed as a replacement for suicide. Now, I recently bought an object and kept it in my closet without anyone in my family knowing about it. I'm keeping the object just in case I want to go back to self-harm or maybe even kill myself for real. I see the object as a way out or maybe a glimmer of hope.

This life just feels empty to me overall. I don't even know what I'm talking about or what to do anymore. At times, I feel numb waiting for the next day to come by.