Thinking about lots of things right now....
Since we moved to our new house, we'll need to update our adoption license so I finally called our social worker last week to let her know that we bought a house (we have been living in our new house for over two months now). So I knew that she was going to tell me that we needed to update our license so I beat her to the punch and told her that we had the packet she had given us the last time and we knew we had to fill it out again (another $500 for that). I also mentioned to her that I was thinking about foster care again especially recently because I FINALLY saw The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock and it really hit home. I had told my husband last year when we got on the waiting list that if we were on it for two years and hadn't had a placement that I wanted to get a foster's license because maybe God's plan was for us to be foster parents instead. I'm always trying to find meaning in all this, in why we have not been blessed yet. I am ashamed to admit that at times, I'm not too happy with God. Yes, I know...not a good thing...just trying to make sense of it all. There are so many women out there who get pregnant and I just look up to the heavens and ask WHY???? Anyway, as I was speaking to our social worker, I told her that we wanted to update our license to be foster parents in the interim, while we are waiting...Maybe there is a child that needs our love and attention while their parents get their stuff together? I know that we will need to take PRIDE training which I believe lasts about 9 weeks. So, I mention it to my husband and there is silence for awhile and then he says that he doesn't think it's a good idea...because of a number of reasons...and I think, WTF?? Every time the baby situation comes up, you'd think I married Debbie Downer! He is sooo negative. I read journal entries of my DS sisters and it seems like all of your husbands are supportive or visibly sad when we are. Oh no, not my husband. No emotion whatsoever. NONE. And I think, does he even want children?? So he says to me, 'foster kids have so many problems', they are traumatized and taking them in would be a lot of work. HELLO??? Really? Yeah, I know it's not gonna be easy. But maybe we can make a difference. Aren't you willing to give it a try?
I know where he is coming from because he had a rough childhood. My husband is legally blind. When he was a toddler, his Mom noticed he couldn't really see and he's been diagonosed with a condition (fancy name but he has low vision). During the day, it is very hard for him to see and he has to wear sunglasses at all times during the day. He is very sensitive to light. He sees best at night. As a result, he can't drive. I drive all the time. I've gotten used to it but sometimes, I wish that he was able to drive. Life would be a little easier for us.
Anyway, his other reason was that we would get super attached to this child and then they would return home to their original family. That's the main reason why we didn't go down this route to begin with. But my heart yearns to mother; that feeling has not gotten weaker. Of course, the ideal situation is for us to have our own children but that dream is becoming dimmer for me. I try to remain positive but it's really sometimes.
The new forms have been sitting on the dining room table for close to two weeks now. And every night I mention to him that we need to fill them out and every night, they don't. I can easily fill them out but the truth is, I'm not motivated. I'm just in this damn pity party. Maybe its a sign that foster care isn't the route for us right now...I just don't know. Maybe I'm having doubts?
I still want to try the donor egg route...I need to lose a lot of weight. I finally went back to the gym after a one year absence. I also called a weight loss clinic that specializes in HCG weight loss. Has anyone heard of this? I'm leaning towards it. Have lots of flex money to spend before the end of the year otherwise, I lose it. I figure, why not try it?? Have got nothing to lose, right? I'm so disgusted with myself. Everyone I know seems to be able to lose weight but me. I've even tried giving up red meat as a starting point...
Thanks for letting me vent...I don't come on very often only because I don't feel that I have anything positive to contribute and I don't want to bring anyone down.
I know where he is coming from because he had a rough childhood. My husband is legally blind. When he was a toddler, his Mom noticed he couldn't really see and he's been diagonosed with a condition (fancy name but he has low vision). During the day, it is very hard for him to see and he has to wear sunglasses at all times during the day. He is very sensitive to light. He sees best at night. As a result, he can't drive. I drive all the time. I've gotten used to it but sometimes, I wish that he was able to drive. Life would be a little easier for us.
Anyway, his other reason was that we would get super attached to this child and then they would return home to their original family. That's the main reason why we didn't go down this route to begin with. But my heart yearns to mother; that feeling has not gotten weaker. Of course, the ideal situation is for us to have our own children but that dream is becoming dimmer for me. I try to remain positive but it's really sometimes.
The new forms have been sitting on the dining room table for close to two weeks now. And every night I mention to him that we need to fill them out and every night, they don't. I can easily fill them out but the truth is, I'm not motivated. I'm just in this damn pity party. Maybe its a sign that foster care isn't the route for us right now...I just don't know. Maybe I'm having doubts?
I still want to try the donor egg route...I need to lose a lot of weight. I finally went back to the gym after a one year absence. I also called a weight loss clinic that specializes in HCG weight loss. Has anyone heard of this? I'm leaning towards it. Have lots of flex money to spend before the end of the year otherwise, I lose it. I figure, why not try it?? Have got nothing to lose, right? I'm so disgusted with myself. Everyone I know seems to be able to lose weight but me. I've even tried giving up red meat as a starting point...
Thanks for letting me vent...I don't come on very often only because I don't feel that I have anything positive to contribute and I don't want to bring anyone down.
Replies
Its ok to vent and I am TRULY sorry that you are in the situaton you are in. I pray that everything works out for you and a solution to your problem comes fast.So many good people out there who cant have children easily. i just dont get it, so when you say you get mad at God sometimes I can totally relate.Its such a hard road to travel.......well, i will keep you in my prayers and I pray your husband will hop on the \"train to parenthood\" with you. Good luck and I am so glad to hear you didnt give up on your dream and I am sure when you DO have that child you will be a great mom. So just keep your head up and KNOW that IT WILL HAPPEN :)
I totally understand how you feel. I ask God why all the times and he never answer me back. If God doesn\'t want me to have a child then why do I have such a strong desire for one? You are not alone on having the husband who is not supportive. My husband feels the same way as your husband feels regarding fostering. He wants a biological child but most of the times I do everything to try to make this dream of ours a reality. It would be nice to have someone who is understanding and supportive. I am jealous of all the DS ladies who have a supportive husband. Have you thought about surrogate in India? It is a lot cheaper than in the US. Hey, if you ever need to vent or anything you can always message me.
Oh not all husbands are sooo supportive. Mine was real good with the infertility stuff but it took AWHILE for my husband to get on the adoption route. We finally had to go to a counselor because he just wouldn\'t commit. During this counseling session he finally said what i needed to hear - he didn\'t want to live his live without having a child. And it was a breakthrough. Men sometimes just need a little push. I have not seen the Blindside - whether you decide to go the foster route or not - it is wonderful that you are considering it. I feel that if you have such a strong desire for something and it doesn\'t diminish that God will hear your heart and you will be a mother somehow, someway. Hopefully a lot quicker than you think!
Thanks for your support guys; I really appreciate it. Since this journal entry, it\'s slightly improved. He is coming around a little bit more or maybe I\'m putting up with it a little bit less. I ended up making an appt with my therapist and that one hour greatly helped. I\'m making some positive changes in my life for me. I have gone back to they gym slowly and leaving there just feels so good. Trying to leave work on time and not giving the company my extra time without being paid for it. Trying to let go of people who don\'t give me the time of day and trying to fill up my time with positive activities. We are going to go to some shelters tomorrow and hopefully adopt a dog/puppy. I\'m really looking forward to that. Just trying to do good things for me and not put me on the back burner. I think all women are like that. You do so much for everyone else and not much energy left for you. I\'m trying to change that pattern for me. :)