Thinking about life

So today has been really laid back and chill. I don't have to work until tuesday, so that is a big relief. yesterday I got my car cleaned and vacummed on the inside and today I took on cleaning my room a little bit and doing some of the mountains of laundry. I followed my meal plan for breakfast: eggbeaters, 1 tbl. parm. cheese, yogurt with berries. Lunch I ate a salad with a little bit of chicken in it. I havn't gone to the store yet...lol my excuse for not drinking those damned ensures and not eating my 2 snacks that I am supposed to eat. Don't worry though, I will get it done eventually today. I have been thinking alot about my life. I have realized that it is hard for me to keep a job for longer than a year. I am lucky (maybe unlucky?) that this job didn't fire me yet. Maybe I take the wrong kind of jobs? Maybe I should be working parttime instead of full time (full time to me means 12 hour days)  I havn't exercised today and I am freaking out about it. I feel fat and lazy. My husband is making sure I don't sneak off to the gym. He makes me som angry sometime. I am thinking of my anxiety and how I must always feel stressed out to feel like I have accomplished something. I know that is not how normal people function. I need to figure out what I like doing in life and do it instead of what ED likes doing in life (I refer my Eating disorder to a person and his name is ED)  I lost more weight today and now I want to restrict becaise then I know I will ose even more. I know that I am underweight, but everytime I lose I want to keep going and see how far I can lose before something big happens. I know that If I let ED win, I will keep going until I die. That is when I will lose enough weight. My nutritionst said that saying about anorexics and I have been thinking about it all day. It makes perfect sense and it is like I am suicidal, but using a different method.  Well, I guess I should run to the store, rambling is fun, but I need to focus on what I want!