THINKING ABOUT LIFE!

THINKING ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL, AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER I CAN'T RECALL A LOT OF HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE, MY YOUNGER YEARS WERE AH, OK, BUT JUST OK, AS A TEEN-AGER I WAS A RUNNER, YEH I CAN SAY I HAD SOME GOOD TIMES THERE, BUT MY TEEN-AGE YEARS HAD UPS AND DOWNS ALSO, THEN WHEN I MET MY DAUGHTERS DAD I THOUGHT MY DAYS WOULD CHANGE, I WAS TIRED OF THE RUNNUNG. AT AGE 23 I BECAME A MOMMY, NIGHTMARES BEGAN WITH MY EX LONG BEFORE THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER, HIS ABUSE WAS UNCALLED FOR TOWARDS ME AND HIS KIDS, TOOK MY STEP SON IN AT AGE 5, HE WAS BACK AND FORTH THOUGH THROUGH ALL HIS LIFE, IT WAS NEVER A STRUCTURED HOUSEHOLD WITH MY EX, MY EX WAS A ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC, LANDED IN PRISON, AND BOY OH BOY WAS I SCARED OF PRISON WALLS BACK IN THE DAYS. THEN IT BECAME A ADVENTURE TO ME, YEH SOME ADVENTURE, ROLLAR COASTER RIDES, CLOSED DOORS, OBSTACLES, UPS, AND DOWNS, WOW, IF I ONLY COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD DO HALF THE THINGS THAT I DID IN MY LIFE,,,,,,AND NOW I'M A PRISONERS WIFE, MARRIED ON THE INSIDE, WEDDING ANNIVERSARY RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER ON THE 26TH OF JUNE, PAROLE HEARING ON THE 7TH OF JULY, BUNNDLE OF THOUGHTS JUMPING AROUND IN MY HEAD. I WISH I WAS YOUNGER, I WISH I WAS HEALTHIER, I WISH I COULD WORK ONCE AGAIN, PEOPLE TELL ME I CAN, BUT THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, ITS NOT THAT EASY, MEDICALLY ITS NOT, NOT WITH EVERY THING THAT I HAVE, ITS NOT ABOUT PIDDY, ITS ABOUT MY BRAIN NOT SLEEPING DUE TO LACK OF OXEYGEN, AND OBSTRUCTIVE SLEEP APNEA, ALONG COME THE SHACKY LEG SYNDROM, ALONG WITH NERVE DAMMAGE NOW IN BOTH FEET, NOT EASY TO COPE WITH PAIN, ONLY MENTIONED A FEW ILLNESSES, THERE IS MORE. WANT TO MOVE, PEOPLE SAY WELL THEN MOVE, IN FEAR I DON'T, NOT ONLY FINANCES, MY OLDEST GRANDSON WOULD NEVER FORGIVE ME, THE LITTLE ONE I BELIEVE COULD LIVE WITH OUT ME, ALTHOUGH THEY BOTH CLING TO ME, THE OLDEST SLEEPS IN MY HOSPITAL BED WHILE I SLEEP ON A OLD RECLINER, THE BACK PAIN, AND THE COPD, CAN'T LAY IN A BED ANY MORE. I MORE OR LESS RAISED THAT BOY. SATERDAY IS ON THE COMPUTER DAY FOR HIM, HIM AND HIS GAMES, DRIVES ME COO-COO AT TIMES BUT HE IS SO GOOD ON THE COMPUTER AT THE AGE OF 4. THE LITTLE ONE TRYS ALREADY ALSO. JUST SITTING HERE UP LATE TONIGHT WRITING IN THIS JOURNAL, ITS JUST AFTER THE BEWITCHING HOUR. GUESS I'LL GO READ MY ANNIVERSARY CARD, CAN'T GET OUT TO GET HIM ONE, SHE WON'T TAKE ME AND I REFUSE TO DRIVE, NOT NOW, NOT UNTILL I FIND OUT MEDICALLY WHATS GOING ON, I ALMOST WALKED INTO A MOVING CAR ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO, WHETHER OR NOT I'M BLACKING OUT FOR A SPLIT SECOND I JUST DON'T KNOW? I REFUSE TO PLACE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN HARMS WAY BY DRIVING, MY GUT IS TELLING ME NOT TO. WELL I REALLY BABBLED ON TONIGHT, GOOD NIGHT JOURNAL.                                                                                                             JUST ME