THINKING ABOUT LIFE!
THINKING ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL, AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER I CAN'T RECALL A LOT OF HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE, MY YOUNGER YEARS WERE AH, OK, BUT JUST OK, AS A TEEN-AGER I WAS A RUNNER, YEH I CAN SAY I HAD SOME GOOD TIMES THERE, BUT MY TEEN-AGE YEARS HAD UPS AND DOWNS ALSO, THEN WHEN I MET MY DAUGHTERS DAD I THOUGHT MY DAYS WOULD CHANGE, I WAS TIRED OF THE RUNNUNG. AT AGE 23 I BECAME A MOMMY, NIGHTMARES BEGAN WITH MY EX LONG BEFORE THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER, HIS ABUSE WAS UNCALLED FOR TOWARDS ME AND HIS KIDS, TOOK MY STEP SON IN AT AGE 5, HE WAS BACK AND FORTH THOUGH THROUGH ALL HIS LIFE, IT WAS NEVER A STRUCTURED HOUSEHOLD WITH MY EX, MY EX WAS A ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC, LANDED IN PRISON, AND BOY OH BOY WAS I SCARED OF PRISON WALLS BACK IN THE DAYS. THEN IT BECAME A ADVENTURE TO ME, YEH SOME ADVENTURE, ROLLAR COASTER RIDES, CLOSED DOORS, OBSTACLES, UPS, AND DOWNS, WOW, IF I ONLY COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD DO HALF THE THINGS THAT I DID IN MY LIFE,,,,,,AND NOW I'M A PRISONERS WIFE, MARRIED ON THE INSIDE, WEDDING ANNIVERSARY RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER ON THE 26TH OF JUNE, PAROLE HEARING ON THE 7TH OF JULY, BUNNDLE OF THOUGHTS JUMPING AROUND IN MY HEAD. I WISH I WAS YOUNGER, I WISH I WAS HEALTHIER, I WISH I COULD WORK ONCE AGAIN, PEOPLE TELL ME I CAN, BUT THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, ITS NOT THAT EASY, MEDICALLY ITS NOT, NOT WITH EVERY THING THAT I HAVE, ITS NOT ABOUT PIDDY, ITS ABOUT MY BRAIN NOT SLEEPING DUE TO LACK OF OXEYGEN, AND OBSTRUCTIVE SLEEP APNEA, ALONG COME THE SHACKY LEG SYNDROM, ALONG WITH NERVE DAMMAGE NOW IN BOTH FEET, NOT EASY TO COPE WITH PAIN, ONLY MENTIONED A FEW ILLNESSES, THERE IS MORE. WANT TO MOVE, PEOPLE SAY WELL THEN MOVE, IN FEAR I DON'T, NOT ONLY FINANCES, MY OLDEST GRANDSON WOULD NEVER FORGIVE ME, THE LITTLE ONE I BELIEVE COULD LIVE WITH OUT ME, ALTHOUGH THEY BOTH CLING TO ME, THE OLDEST SLEEPS IN MY HOSPITAL BED WHILE I SLEEP ON A OLD RECLINER, THE BACK PAIN, AND THE COPD, CAN'T LAY IN A BED ANY MORE. I MORE OR LESS RAISED THAT BOY. SATERDAY IS ON THE COMPUTER DAY FOR HIM, HIM AND HIS GAMES, DRIVES ME COO-COO AT TIMES BUT HE IS SO GOOD ON THE COMPUTER AT THE AGE OF 4. THE LITTLE ONE TRYS ALREADY ALSO. JUST SITTING HERE UP LATE TONIGHT WRITING IN THIS JOURNAL, ITS JUST AFTER THE BEWITCHING HOUR. GUESS I'LL GO READ MY ANNIVERSARY CARD, CAN'T GET OUT TO GET HIM ONE, SHE WON'T TAKE ME AND I REFUSE TO DRIVE, NOT NOW, NOT UNTILL I FIND OUT MEDICALLY WHATS GOING ON, I ALMOST WALKED INTO A MOVING CAR ABOUT 2 WEEKS AGO, WHETHER OR NOT I'M BLACKING OUT FOR A SPLIT SECOND I JUST DON'T KNOW? I REFUSE TO PLACE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IN HARMS WAY BY DRIVING, MY GUT IS TELLING ME NOT TO. WELL I REALLY BABBLED ON TONIGHT, GOOD NIGHT JOURNAL. JUST ME
Replies
you\'ve had a life of challenges which most of face - all in different ways - challenges in life challenge our faith. i notice in your words when you are talking about a new - you are more concerned for other than for yourself - which by nature is a good thing, but not always the right thing. That\'s very sweet that you have a great bond with your grandson but you are the grandmother, not the mother, so if you had to relocate it would be ok - in time. iwould love to see you relocate to an assisted living center - where you can get the medical help you need and positive social enviroment you need and rehabilitation you need for your physical ailments. Your daughter isn\'t going to change - the way she treats you isn\'t going to change - not until the enviroment changes and that means you - a change of enviroment would rock your daughter\'s world and maybe, just maybe she would be more appreciative of you. You and Freddie - well that\'s a different story - i truly wonder that as long as you live with your daughter, how can the parole plan be efficient enough to go before the board, i mean there are children in the house,he\'s been incarcerated for so long, where\'s the income gonna come from, in his parole plan, what\'s the goal for employment, it\'s gonna take a while for him to go thru the transition of getting adjusted to living \"outside\" those walls and structure, if your daughter treats you the way she does, imagine how it\'s gonna be if Freddie is there - hell pure hell - these are things I worry for you more if he\'s released - an anniversary card - you don\'t need to buy one - write one from your heart - write a poem an draw a picture - that would actually mean more - you know that. Remember, for your love of Freddie i hope he\'s releasd but your life will not get any easier when he is - when doors are slammed in his face cuz he\'s a convicted felon - overwhelming depression on his part will set in and YOU again will be the one handling and trying to make things alright for everyone! i know here in Texas convicted felons have a very hard time with employment and places to live - you can\'t even be on someone\'s lease if you can\'t pass a background check - regarding crimes related to drugs, sex offenders or of moral turpitude. Have you considered IF he gets paroled what his \"conditions of parole\" would be - you maybe required to be separated from your grandchildren if you want to reside with him. As we\'ve discussed his family is of no support, so once again, it falls back on your shoulders - this is why i worry so much for you - Your mind is just overloaded right now, you have many emotional and physical ailments you are dealing with and the stress overload is taking its toll - you must get those under control so you can be in control - do what\'s right for Lynn. I wish I could be of more help, but I can\'t - I just see so much potential in you with so many setbacks due to enviroment and lack of support from loved ones - sleep is a necessity in healing anything - you need to get some sleep sweetie. i am sorry my friend if this was a little harsh it wasn\'t intended to be that way - i just want you to know , i think you are a strong person and i think there are different routes you could be taking - May your day be blessed with happy moments, good thoughts and lots of love.
Carebear gave you several options to think about Lynn. You are a very good person sent down to be an angle to every one. Your life has purpose and you have great faith. Do some nice things for yourself if you can find a way. I know how hard it is to have health issues. No one really understands. I know everyone thinks I should be out getting a job, everyone but my Doctors, and they are really the only one who can make that diognosic, not any one else. You know what you are capable of. Try to take care of you not every one esle or there will be no more Lynn for anyone. Hugs