Thinking about death

I've been reading more recently, I stated reading a book called Colorless Tsukuru.  This book resonated with me a lot as I read.  The main characted was abandoned by the group of people he thought were friends.  Ive had this happen to me when I was a kid and even today it is still a huge anxiety for me.  The character enters some true emotional darkness as well.  Nameless, deep darkness.  At one point in the words of the book, Tsukuru dies, his body is buried unnoticed in the woods, and a new person takes his place.  Tsukuru spends so much time contemplating physical suicide: but ultimately, his spirit just gives in, and the person he was ceases to be.  What hapens in the book is a fascinating rebirth, a starvation of the body and soul, where a new person emerges.
 
I thougght about my own life history, and whether I had experienced this rebirth bedore.  I dont know if the changes I have experienced are just art of growing up, or did I really die inside.  I cant articualte why, but I want that.  I think im drawn to the idea of a fresh but not copletely fresh start.  Maybe I died in highschool, sophmore year, where I went days without a conversation until Rae showed up.  Or did I die freshman year of college, or sophmore year where I experienced abject failure.  Or junior where my anxierty became to much.  Or this year where it all fell apart.  Or now, is this the old me dying that fills me with dread. 
 
I guess I crave the idea of just giving up everything weighing me down now, getting a new chance at life.