Thinking

I don't know what I'm suppose to do. In many ways. I don't have anyone to talk to in person. I can't go see my doctor cause I couldn't afford insurance and I have no money to pay for it out of pocket. Friends and family - let's just keep that out of the options. I'm invisible to everyone. I'm just occupying space. 

I feel like everything about me is a big blur. I have nothing going for me, I have nothing great that I've done and I'm struggling to keep my head above fucking water right now. I'm a fucking parasite! 

Im trying to find any little thing to latch on to so I don't have to feel this ugliness. This cruelty. Whether it'd be another person or whatever, I just don't want to be me. I want to be pretty. I want to be perfect. I want to be loved. I want to be appreciated. I want to be held. I crave something. Anything. Even if it may be the darkness.... I just want to know I'm not numb. I just need to fill in all these holes I feel my heart and soul have. I'm lost.