Thinking...

I remember years ago every time I heard about people separating and divorcing I use to wonder to myself...how do you get to the point that you no longer love that person and want out? How can love change? I could never imagine myself getting to this point...no matter how he treated me I still cared about him. I wanted more then anything to make this work and you know I would have stayed had he even treated me with respect.  Sure I have been alone in this marriage for a long time but I would have lived in a loveless marriage even if he treated me half decent.  I would have been good to him but after all these years I have come to realize that things will never change and I no longer have those feelings for him. Whenever he is around I do my best to avoid him. I can't even stand to be in the same room as him...when I think of all the times we had sex it sickens my stomach. I can't even imagine being with him that way ever again...that thought is repulsive to me.  Maybe it's because so many times I felt forced into it, violated...sure there were the good times at first but for many years I would lay there and cry as he did those things to me...I would allow him thinking he would treat me better after..it was never that way. He would roll over and go to sleep while I laid there crying!! He would watch porn and then think because I was his wife I should do the things he seen on there....he thought that is how a woman should be....I never want to have to go through that again...I would sooner be alone the rest of my life then to let any man ever treat me like that ever again. Making love should be a beautiful thing, not just sex...not just one person violating another.  The day I moved into my own room was such a relief for me...for awhile he would try to force himself on me, he would hold me so I couldn't get away as he rubbed against me. I would fight him off, I decided then that never again was I going to do those things with him. He would take it out and stroke himself when I walked by...it got to the point where I didn't even want to come out of my room. I would go in there and lock the door. When my son was home I felt safe but when I was alone with him I was scared but I never wanted him to know that. So there I would stay in my room, praying he would just stop. One day after many many months he stopped even trying...but I still don't trust him..I still keep my bedroom door locked at night! I still fear him trying to force himself on me because for so many years that just the way it was!!