think ahead ramblings part 1

this is going to be the first of many long ramblings also for note need to make goal "get a job"anyways i feel trapped much like the gold fish in my room. neither of us wants to just sit here but how can i leave when i have no way of leaving? i can find a way but it might not be the best option.my dad has made me feel as though i might as well give up. he hasnt helped me in anyway and only adds to the pain.i havent done many of the things i  feel i must do but i also feel some of them are not right at the same time.i am also very tired of being the only one who actively cleans the house, i do not mind helping to clean the house and doing my share of the upkeep but it seems as though i am the only one why does. even when i did work it has been this way i almost want to stop just to see how things get when i dont do anything to clean up.suicidal thoughts have been coming back here and there along with other disturbing thoughts. some of them sexual in nature.i do miss EVE online in some ways but in others im glad i dont play. If all i could do is fly around in my fav ship and have no worries i would be more then excited to do so. however this is eve where things arnt so nice to you so i guess all i can do is leave it as is and just watch it grow and develop whenever i can. although it prolly would be best if i left it and never looked at it again.on another note i feel kinda worthless atm and i want to change the pic of "me" to an actual pic of me but i think ppl will prolly not want to see that so i guess i leave that one up. i kinda want to change it to the space marine apothecary but i dont like marines and it would be kinda weird as well.dont know why i havent listened to my epic music in such a long time but now i am and its enjoyable. on a further note why do i waste my time with anime seriously it is a waste of time. i have watched many shows some good some bad and only 2 out of the hundreds? ive seen have been worth the time. all the others just waste full and one of the two its just the first season the second season wasnt that good.also why does some information that should be common knowledge seem like forbidin taboo. idk what ever i might ramble more on that later.oh also been watching game of thrones and i like it the books are also very good. but i dont think God is happy with me watching it talking about it or even reading it. i dont know for certain but ill just have to see how things go i guess.oh also i want to get loz ooc but i think that will be to expensive to buy a gaming system for 1 game ive seen ppl play a hundred times by now.oh speaking of games i also want all dlc's for both mass effect games and the third when it comes out all for pc along with a new pc but i think all of that is worthless in the end so no to that dream unless it comes true . . . we shall find out how things go in the future.i have many ideas of what i should write but i feel trapped on which one i should do first and the longer i wait the more ideas i get. this is getting to the bursting point no idea what to do about it.one thing that has stuck out in my mind though is how weird life seems. at times i wonder if any of this is worth living for at times other times i cant think of nothing but life but death and the dieing fill ever crevice of my mind at other times. the war never stops, its an on going conflict that can never be tamed but it can be slowed down at times. i might talk more about this later in another rambling some time in the near future i hope.