Things will get better
REALLY?? Will it really really really get better. When will this be,,, and will I still be alive to have the pleasure to enjoy it.
My head is spinning, my heart is pounding, my nerves are shot and I am ready to explode. Why is my life so filled with crap. Everyone else is living a fairly decent and normal life with normal problems.. why is mine so complicated.
I wish I could just for a little while get rid of this knot in my stomach, and these terrible fears in my heart. Everywhere I look i see trouble, danger, pain, and potential hurt. I am so tired of this. I always become the centre of his drama and nonsens. He screws up, and I am there facing the music. He has a bad day, and I am there living it with him. He has broken me to the point where I don't even know who me is anymore.
I am taking changes, doing stupid things, and feeling reckless.. and its not me. I don't like it.. But these moments are my only escape from this hell I call my life. I know things can be better. I know I can wake up in the morning and have a good day, have happy thoughs, have normal conversations, smile, laugh, play around.. but he is the shadow over all of this. And the more I convince myself i am going to move out, the more I tell myself that I am a bad person for feeling this way and wanting to leave. I am convincing myself harder to stay, than he would if he knew.
I WANT MY LIFE BACK.. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.. I WANT MY LIFE BACK..please please please can I get my life back.
Lost a lot of weight. Just wished it was for the right reasons. Now not only do I look bad,, my clothes are like bags on me.
I need help. I admit I am not strong enough to do this. I am not strong enough to take the walk. The kids are my main concern. They will be hurt.. shattered, ,, and I will be blamed. I will be the evil witch. I am always the evil witch. Maybe I have become one. I don't have my own voice, I can't vent my anger at him when he emotionally breaks me, so they do get the brunt of it. I always said I will not be that type of mother.,, ha!.. you go girl.. YOU ARE THAT KIND OF MOTHER.
I wish they (everyone!!) could see me. Could see what I am going through. Could just take my hand and stand next to me while I face this huge mountain in front of me. Yet now one really cares. They give opinions, they blame, they point fingers, they gossip,, tell half truths and share bad news.. but no one is willing to help me.
Would I help somoene like me if the roles where reversed. I don't know. Maybe, I would like to think that I would be able to help a friend go through this. I am pretty sure I would stand next to them through hell and fire. Jip.. that part of me I am sure still is there.
For now, I will just keep on breathing. in out in out in out.. listen to my own heartbeat. Cut out all the noice in out in out in out in out in out. thump thump thump thump.. in out in ou in out in out ...
Maybe things will get better.
Replies
Trying to encourage you as a friend. You are not a bad person for suffering and expressing what you are dealing with. Sounds like you're having so much anxiety and losing so much weight that it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about possible medication. Sounds like you would benefit greatly from talking to a therapist also. Don't waste any energy comparing yourself to other people and think and they've got it all together. That's not true and it also wastes your energy and gets you more upset. I think it does help to set your mind that things will get better and then take small steps to work toward getting better. Hope your day gets better.
Sending you loving support, a therapist would be
A good first step toward getting better. Womens
Aid or shelters have therapy and support groups.
There are many services available or support
groups. Take care of you and your children.
HUGS
I wanna thank you guys for being here. This site makes is a lot easier for me to talk as I am a private person and don’t really do the whole “talking to others” that well (Including talking to therapist). I love words and writing, and I can express myself better here.
I did something yesterday,, I opened up to my dad. He is a good man and we love each other to bits, but we have real issues talking to each and opening up. Anyhows, after my vent on the site yesterday I realised that I am actually driving myself crazy. And I am not a crazy person. So I phoned him, had a bit of a chit chat,, and then I told him that I am unhappy and even though Hubby is now trying to be a man, he is drowning me. Long sad stories followed, but the end of the conversation was that he was waiting for me to realise I married a wrong man AND that I can do a lot better for myself. He will actually help me financially with a divorce lawyer and he will be there with me step by step. I must admit, it made a huge difference in my heart.
I know about the shelters. We actually took in 3 foster kids whose parents were alcoholics and living in a shelter. I have been through the whole welfare scenario and understand how it works. I do love my kids, (all 5 of them, 2 my own, 3 adopted) and I would die for them. My daughter wants me to divorce hubby, and my son will not ever speak to me again if I divorce hubby. So I have decided that if he wants to stay with his dad he can. He is old enough to take care of himself, and I believe with time he will come to understand my decision. The 3 small ones are coming with me, the welfare will not let them stay with him. He is not gainfully employed,, the house we bought doesn’t have power or water. We are living like squatters.
I grew up in a decent home, with decent parents and went do a good school. I was a top student with a wonderful future. I threw it all away for a man that has no responsibilities, is lazy and a slob. He is a good dad, that I can give him, BUT he is not a good husband. I have been through so much hell and embarrassment on his behalf it’s not even funny.
It is time for this phoenix to rise from the ashes and be the woman I know I am.
(BUT HELL, I am still scared of telling him I want a divorce.. he is so unpredictable.)
Sending you a big hug and its great you opened
Up to your father and have support. Keep reaching
Out it gets easier, I am sorry for all your pain and
hurt HUGS