Things Progressing....
Mom's been bedfast for nearly 16 months, now...I feel guilty for even mentioning that things have reached another level of "hard," but they have...just so hard on her...feel guilty for feeling exhausted....leaving Dad and others out of the equation...they are not sacrificing...just acting like they are....Mom and I are going through the real thing...where is my magic? Why can't I make things better for her? Why can't I help her take the pain away? What is this new endurance lesson for? How the hell can I help us?
Feel sorry for my boyfriend...the last time we spent real time, alone, together, was New Year's Eve, 2012; I can't depend upon anyone else helping Mom with her basic functions in bed, w/o them being rough, or mean, to her...even the hospice help was surprisingly inept at bathroom functions in bed...how the hell did I, the unemployed dolt, manage what medically trained folks are supposed to already know how to do---and with a smile?
Mantra: angels in, angels out; in a hurry, mantra is just: angels, angels, angels.
Too bad mom is so secular...we could say it, together.
Sadder, mom and I miss Angeline, Sparky and Zottie (Zotz); can't believe that age/illness took them...but, then, I sadly/eerily realize that with things the way they've progressed, I would've had no time to take care of them...just tears, now....
If we can just hold on...if I can just hold on....
I never want to go out of the home and work, again; never, again, do I want anyone to tell me that I need to get married, before I die; I never want anyone to tell me that I do too much/little, around here; I never, again, want anyone trying to infer that my mother has ruined my life, by my decision to look after her, until the ultimate end...as hard as that decision was to make, I knew it wouldn't be easy, or quick; mom would've done the same for me, without question, illnesses aside...there wasn't any other way...just no other way...
I wish I could sleep for years, and never wake up, again, until heaven or hell takes me...that's God's decision, but I made him promise to take mom to heaven--secular or not--as long as I traded my trip for hell...not saying that hasn't made me afraid of my afterlife chances, but I can't think of anyone else I personally know in this life who deserves heaven more, than my mom...secular, or not....baptised or not; mom deserves the best.
Feel sorry for my boyfriend...the last time we spent real time, alone, together, was New Year's Eve, 2012; I can't depend upon anyone else helping Mom with her basic functions in bed, w/o them being rough, or mean, to her...even the hospice help was surprisingly inept at bathroom functions in bed...how the hell did I, the unemployed dolt, manage what medically trained folks are supposed to already know how to do---and with a smile?
Mantra: angels in, angels out; in a hurry, mantra is just: angels, angels, angels.
Too bad mom is so secular...we could say it, together.
Sadder, mom and I miss Angeline, Sparky and Zottie (Zotz); can't believe that age/illness took them...but, then, I sadly/eerily realize that with things the way they've progressed, I would've had no time to take care of them...just tears, now....
If we can just hold on...if I can just hold on....
I never want to go out of the home and work, again; never, again, do I want anyone to tell me that I need to get married, before I die; I never want anyone to tell me that I do too much/little, around here; I never, again, want anyone trying to infer that my mother has ruined my life, by my decision to look after her, until the ultimate end...as hard as that decision was to make, I knew it wouldn't be easy, or quick; mom would've done the same for me, without question, illnesses aside...there wasn't any other way...just no other way...
I wish I could sleep for years, and never wake up, again, until heaven or hell takes me...that's God's decision, but I made him promise to take mom to heaven--secular or not--as long as I traded my trip for hell...not saying that hasn't made me afraid of my afterlife chances, but I can't think of anyone else I personally know in this life who deserves heaven more, than my mom...secular, or not....baptised or not; mom deserves the best.
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