Things not so good again.
I don't know if I am just sad or if this is a call for help. My dad as 1-5 months to live. he has lung cancer and declined to do chemo. I am working myself to death, often staying up for 34 hrs, sleeping 4 and going right back to work.(right now I have no choice, i have to have money put away to pay my bills when I take time off to be with my dad at the end) On my days off I usually spend one at my dads, then come home and try to get my house back in order. I am always alone at home, I feel isolated. I am crying every day again. I still miss my Mostest. I had met a really nice guy and things were going really good. Then on Feb 12th, everything just changed and we split up. He said I didn't have enough time for him. This has really thrown me into a tail spin. I am getting so tired. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed, I just want to sleep forever.
I had a dream the other night. I was sitting at a mobile home with some people, I knew them. I kept demanding that they tell me where Raymond was. I had just taken a shower and was getting ready to put on my socks and shoes. One of the people told me where Raymond was. I ran out the door barefoot. I remember feeling the rocks and thorns cutting my feet up because I was running through the desert to get to him. I finally turned on a street and came around the corner and there he was. I literally threw myself in his arms and he wrapped himself around and told me "these last 8 months have been so hard, I've missed you", then he kissed me. That's when I woke up. I was absolutely devastated.
I am running out of strength to deal with everything on my own. Seeing someone really helped as I didn't feel so alone and had a sounding board. I think I am getting close to the point of breaking. I went to the Dr.s a couple of weeks ago and found out I am rapidly losing weight again. I started at 147 lbs, I am down to 120 now. She told me I am showing all the signs of Post traumatic stress disorder and that I am high risk for self injury (read suicide). This scares me, I want to live. I know things WILL get better but it's so hard to get through to that point.
I had a dream the other night. I was sitting at a mobile home with some people, I knew them. I kept demanding that they tell me where Raymond was. I had just taken a shower and was getting ready to put on my socks and shoes. One of the people told me where Raymond was. I ran out the door barefoot. I remember feeling the rocks and thorns cutting my feet up because I was running through the desert to get to him. I finally turned on a street and came around the corner and there he was. I literally threw myself in his arms and he wrapped himself around and told me "these last 8 months have been so hard, I've missed you", then he kissed me. That's when I woke up. I was absolutely devastated.
I am running out of strength to deal with everything on my own. Seeing someone really helped as I didn't feel so alone and had a sounding board. I think I am getting close to the point of breaking. I went to the Dr.s a couple of weeks ago and found out I am rapidly losing weight again. I started at 147 lbs, I am down to 120 now. She told me I am showing all the signs of Post traumatic stress disorder and that I am high risk for self injury (read suicide). This scares me, I want to live. I know things WILL get better but it's so hard to get through to that point.
Replies
HELLO, SO MUCH GOING ON, DON\'T KNOW WHY SOME HAVE TO GO THROUGH PAIN SO MUCH, WHILE OTHERS ARE DOING WELL, OR SO WE THINK...SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAD, TELL HIM ALL YOU FEEL AND MAKE SURE YOU SAY YOUR GOODBYES, IT IS HEARTBREAKING BUT THIS IS LIFE, I WISH I COULD SAY IT WILL BE WELL, BUT LOSING YOUR DAD IS GOING TO BE HARD AFTER ALL YOU BEEN THROUGH**YOU ARE CARRYING SO MUCH ON YOUR SHOULDERS RIGHT NOW, NO WONDERF YOU ARE LOSING WEIGHT, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU EAT, AS FOR THE OTHER YOU ARE YOUNG AND RESILIENT AND HAVE A FUTURE ,DO NOT LET ANY DOCTOR TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO ***YOU WILL LIVE AND LIFE WILL BE LIVED TO THE FULLNESS OF YEARS.. THAT GUY, YOU DON\'T NEED HIM, NOT WORTH YOUR TIME, WHAT A NASTY MAN, FOR THE DREAMS, IT WAS A DREAM, BECAUSE WHEN WE LOSE SOMEONE WE LOVE WE CAN DREAM ABOUT THEM, BUT THAT IS ALL**YOU ARE WORKING TOO MUCH, HAVE YOU TOUGHT OF SELLING AND MOVE CLOSER TO TOWN , IN A SMALLER PLACE, LIVING ALONE AND SO FAR , THINK ABOUT IT, SEE WHAT BEST FOR YOU, PLEASE STAY IN TOUCH, LOVING HUGS LUCY****
I am so sorry for what you are going through....I remember care giving for my father and husband and mother and it does take it\'s toll.when my father was sick i was running day and night-when my husband was sick I lost alot of weight too and by the time my mother was sick I felt so worn out.YOU MUST TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF or you wont be able to help anyone.my prayers and thoughts will be with you and for the life of me I dont understand this pain we must face in this life.But please try to take care of yourself even if it\'s only 20mins for a quiet bath and some rest.
Just so you know my brother also had lung cancer and declined treatment.Of course the cancer spread to his back hips and brain-in fact he died 1 year ago this month on 2/12/12.not easy living this life-hang in there-Love and prayers.
Lois, what stage was he when he was diagnosed? We were told in Dec that with no treatment he would only have a few months. He is still doing great, no sign of being sick at all. I can\'t find any info on what to expect as the cancer progresses.