Things I want to say to him.... but wont...

Brendan,Here we are... the 15th of February, the day after Valentine's Day. This weekend has been so hard for me, knowing that you have had her to show love to & receive back from. It isn't fair that you walked right out of our marriage into a brand new relationship!There are so many things I want to scream at you right now! There are so many questions I wish you had been honest about right from the start... But you took the coward way out & chose to lie to me about everything. I would like to think that you did that because you knew the pain your affair would cause but I cant even think that. It was your so called, precious "integrity" that you were trying to preserve. You were saving face to our friends, your family & coworkers. You wanted them to continue to believe what an upstanding man you are... but you're not. You & I both know that. The evidence against your claims is just way to plentiful & your timelines do not mesh with things you have said.You told me I was your best friend, Brendan.... you held me on Christmas Day, 2007 & told me again & again how happy you were that I was your best friend... you told me that you loved me that day too... then you left that afternoon. What I didn't know at that time was that it was for good. The next day, you were so distant & cold to me & less than a week later, you claimed you met "her".How do you expect me to believe that?!!!! You think I'm stupid.... nothing added up before you left in September & nothing added up that next week after Christmas!Your dishonesty to me has caused so much devastation in my life... It has been all the questions that have gone unanswered that have destroyed so much. I loved you with everything in me... I gave you everything & did everything for you & you repaid that with accusations of me being controlling & blame that the end of our marriage was entirely MY doing.... & because of my love for you... I believed you. I allowed myself to be convinced of the guilt of our marriage falling apart. I felt that I must've been the worst wife, the worst person on earth to have driven you away....But I wasn't & I'm not Brendan... I would've gone to the ends of the earth to work things out with you & save our marriage. How can that make me such a horrible person? I tried so hard to stand by you & support you when we were separated in hopes that we could work things out. You walked away... not me. It took months of therapy for me to work through the feelings of guilt & responsibility of our impending divorce. You couldn't even answer me when I asked you to explain how I was controlling. The only example you could ever give was with housework. That was it.Well, upon closer observation, I've realized that I was not controlling but i was pleading with you for your cooperation in keeping our home clean. I was the one who cleaned, cooked, did laundry, everything... you rarely helped. I was tired & frustrated that I would clean all day while you played with our daughter, watched movies or napped. I didn't have those luxuries on a regular basis. But you couldn't even respect me for that. You thought nothing of walking through the house with muddy, snowy boots on after I had just scrubbed them.... If being irritated with you for things like that, well, I am guilty as charged. But did I ever stop you from having drinks with your friends on Wednesday nights? No.... Did I ever attempt to stop you from going to the bar every single Friday night? No... that was your night out after a hard week at work. I never went with you... you never invited me. Looking back, I see that it was wrong for me to compromise our relationship by putting up &supporting your night out every single week... In reality, i gave you the noose to hang our marriage. We never did anything together to maintain any type of closeness but yet, you had all kinds of freedom & time on those Friday nights to spend with someone else... her.I may as well have taken out a personal ad for you myself. You told me once about being out with a buddy & his girlfriend showed up & demanded that he come home. I remember you telling me how happy you were that I was not like that. I took pride that you were pleased that I didn't keep tabs on you. I trusted you... wholeheartedly. I loved that we had that in our relationship. Now, after all that has happened since you left, I find myself constantly struggling to let go of all the hurt.  I held onto the hatred & anger for so long because it was a safe place to be. It didn't hurt as much that way. But it was eating me alive... I could feel it everyday.Recently, I admitted to myself that I do still have feelings.... it was like the world had lifted off my shoulders as the struggle within myself between love & hate came to an end. I felt lighthearted for awhile... til this weekend, actually. Til Valentine's Day. Now, here I am again, crying & trying to find some way to just let go... not of anger this time but still the hurt. It hurts so much sometimes that I just want to curl in a ball & sleep forever. Olivia talked to you awhile ago & I could hear her from the kitchen saying "hi" to Jackie.... it welled up all the "unfair" emotions once again....!Times like these that I feel so fucking conflicted in myself! I am happy with what I am doing & how far I have come this past year. I am happy with my going back to school & discovering so much about who i am as a person... I'm a good person, Brendan. I spent so many years wondering in awe why someone like you wanted to be with me... I was so wrong. It was YOU that was the lucky one.  I just didn't know it then.But I sit, alone on Valentine's night while you are out with her & all in love & feeling great. It is me that still mourns the great relationship I thought we had. The illusion...You never had the guts to tell me you were unhappy. In fact, you out & out lied to me to my face by telling me you were happier than you'd ever been. We planned a baby together just 2 months before you left... all lies, I know now. You have no idea how much that hurt. I wanted another baby. It had been you that controlled that all those years. YOU didn't want anymore so i sacrificed for you believing in my heart that we would always have eachother. You stole my chance to have more children when you walked out on me when I was 38. I have since accepted the fact that I'll never have that because I will not trust or love someone enough to take that chance again for a very long time. I feel like you strung me along all those years when I could've taken the biological time needed to find someone else that I would trust & love enough to have another baby.  Yet, you still want another one & you will get to realize that even though you cheated me out of the same opportunity. That is not fair!I no longer hate you for all that has happened, Brendan. I feel sorry for you in many ways, as I have told you. But the hurt still is there even if it isn't on a daily basis anymore, it's still there. I feel it when I'm alone & I feel it on holidays such as Christmas, New Year's & Valentine's. There is that small part of me that still craves you to be hurt & suffer just so you will know the pain you have caused me. i want you to know how it feels to be terrified to trust someone ever again. I want you to know how it feels to be lied to & taken for a fool, to have your life & family torn apart & how it feels to have to slowly rebuild it piece by piece. & I hope that the person that does it to you treats you in the same smug, arrogant manner in which you have treated me.   I apologize for the rambling.... PMS yet again & really just needed to vent. :(