Things I've Noticed
Hello Beloved Friends!
First and foremost, I want to thank each and every one of you for always supporting me on my journey! You are so much appreciated.
This morning in my meditation I was aware of ways I have changed and how different I feel inside.
I laughed at myself as I realized, I had not ran my sweeper in over a week; had dirty dishes in the sink (well, just a few) and had not made my bed in two days. NOW...one must understand, this is NOT how I used to be. One of my children's biggest complaints about me (and rightfully so) is how I was crazy/mad woman when it came to cleaning. I was a clean freak and it was one of the most important things in my life to have a clean home. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with a clean home (and I still like my home clean) but I have realized over these past several years, it wasn't as much about the clean home as it was about CONTROL. I never felt like I had any control in my life and one of the ways I felt 'I had control' was by making sure my home was spotless. It was my identity/my worth. What a relief to be relieved of this! Freedom.
Along with this awareness, I have noticed how I do not rush any more. I can actually sit and do NOTHING. I am much more relaxed and have last the desire to run around like a mad woman on the loose. Maybe it's because I no longer am a single parent who had more than her share to do! But along with not having as much 'to do' these days that make me rushed, there is a sense of 'internal calmness' and that is a relief also. Freedom.
This whole year I have been working on non-judgment of self and non-judgment of what appears in my life. Every morning, I dedicate myself to at least two hours of sitting with myself and my higher power and surrender everything I am feeling without judgment and ask that any blocks that are blocking my way to this Love that I was created in and AM, show me the way to do this...gently I might add. I am still judgmental at times, but I do notice it is better. Baby steps, baby steps.
I have a friend who is bi-polar and has really been an opportunity of growth for me lately. She is in a phase of repeating herself constantly. Daily she tells me the same thing over and over and over and over. This has been going on for over three weeks now; hopefully her meds will get straightened out soon. But in the meantime, I have pulled away from her and there's part of me that is judging myself for doing this. The compassionate part of me has great compassion for her and I have had the realization of how much compassion I have for those whose loved one's have Alzheimer's Disease or are Mentally ill. I would like to believe I would not pull away from a friend who had a physical illness so I would like to find peace with this in my heart. There's something that doesn't feel right. Anyway, the Universe has presented me with another opportunity.
I was just thinking as I wrote the last paragraph; I have NEVER had much compassion for myself with my illness and it has been a nightmare at times. Maybe, just maybe I need to work on this! :-) One was NEVER allowed to be sick when I was growing up...it was a sign of weakness. Yeah for this awareness!
Happy Saturday everyone.
Hugszzzzzz!
V.
First and foremost, I want to thank each and every one of you for always supporting me on my journey! You are so much appreciated.
This morning in my meditation I was aware of ways I have changed and how different I feel inside.
I laughed at myself as I realized, I had not ran my sweeper in over a week; had dirty dishes in the sink (well, just a few) and had not made my bed in two days. NOW...one must understand, this is NOT how I used to be. One of my children's biggest complaints about me (and rightfully so) is how I was crazy/mad woman when it came to cleaning. I was a clean freak and it was one of the most important things in my life to have a clean home. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with a clean home (and I still like my home clean) but I have realized over these past several years, it wasn't as much about the clean home as it was about CONTROL. I never felt like I had any control in my life and one of the ways I felt 'I had control' was by making sure my home was spotless. It was my identity/my worth. What a relief to be relieved of this! Freedom.
Along with this awareness, I have noticed how I do not rush any more. I can actually sit and do NOTHING. I am much more relaxed and have last the desire to run around like a mad woman on the loose. Maybe it's because I no longer am a single parent who had more than her share to do! But along with not having as much 'to do' these days that make me rushed, there is a sense of 'internal calmness' and that is a relief also. Freedom.
This whole year I have been working on non-judgment of self and non-judgment of what appears in my life. Every morning, I dedicate myself to at least two hours of sitting with myself and my higher power and surrender everything I am feeling without judgment and ask that any blocks that are blocking my way to this Love that I was created in and AM, show me the way to do this...gently I might add. I am still judgmental at times, but I do notice it is better. Baby steps, baby steps.
I have a friend who is bi-polar and has really been an opportunity of growth for me lately. She is in a phase of repeating herself constantly. Daily she tells me the same thing over and over and over and over. This has been going on for over three weeks now; hopefully her meds will get straightened out soon. But in the meantime, I have pulled away from her and there's part of me that is judging myself for doing this. The compassionate part of me has great compassion for her and I have had the realization of how much compassion I have for those whose loved one's have Alzheimer's Disease or are Mentally ill. I would like to believe I would not pull away from a friend who had a physical illness so I would like to find peace with this in my heart. There's something that doesn't feel right. Anyway, the Universe has presented me with another opportunity.
I was just thinking as I wrote the last paragraph; I have NEVER had much compassion for myself with my illness and it has been a nightmare at times. Maybe, just maybe I need to work on this! :-) One was NEVER allowed to be sick when I was growing up...it was a sign of weakness. Yeah for this awareness!
Happy Saturday everyone.
Hugszzzzzz!
V.
Replies
Many Hugszzz to you too. This \"judgment\" principle is just what I was alluding to on Rosie\'s journal. How coincidental!!! (Yeah, right! Like there are \"coincidences\" for our learning.
My input is that you progress has been in recovering from codependency and the inner-paranoia of \"what will Everyone think/feel about me if my home isn\'t perfectly suited for THEIR needs and judgment?\". Is that it? The anxiety that we will be judged unlovable and unwanted if we\'re not suitable for any and all \"others\"? It really IS the Roommate we fear judgment from isn\'t it? A mental creation; an emotion. The feeling, the STRONG feeling, that we will not survive with any flaws from perfection. What an Inner-Obsession, that leads to an Outer Compulsion!
You Go Girl! Judging and disappointment would be the other person\'s problem to solve, then, wouldn\'t it? Let them learn how to manage THEIR disappointments with the \"illusion of the NEED for perfection.
My worth came from how clean my house was. I will get you to \'love me\' if I work hard; if I work hard; if I work hard! Acknowledge me Mom and Dad..acknowledge me husband, acknowledge me kids. Acknowlege how worthy I am! It was not so much how it looked, but the acknowledgement I wanted from it. Like I said, it was what I thought my identity was...If I could only \'do more\' I would get their love. By coming to understand \'none\' of this is who I truly AM, nor was it who my parents really were (so grateful for this) I have been able to let go. But...that has taken years and years and is still an on-going process. Unlearning all those old beliefs/behaviors...I am so very grateful to be aware.
Me too, this awareness phenomenon is a HUGE reliever as it grows.
I\'m good enough for me, and I\'m (I AM: my soul) the one judge who really counts.
XO
I don\'t happen to believe the I AM (my soul) judges...period. But that\'s my belief. I think it just IS...The one aspect of us that NEVER changes and is permanent and everlasting. This is the place that has made me aware I am more that the small t truth I held of myself...I AM part of the Bigger T Truth! Amen to that awareness for me/myself/and I. :-)
In my relationship with Paul, he gets tired of seeing me put myself last. I used to think I was been this Saint that looked after everyone else first. Over the last 5 years I have learnt to rest. This has been such a new thing for me. I also was never allowed to be ill. I think my mum was afraid of illness.
This is an incredible journal Vicki. It shows how far you have come. Love to you always xxxx
I always put myself last; but not any more. Not in an egotistical, selfish way. but I have learned if I don\'t take care of me, I am really no good for anyone...so, that being said. I am kinda #1 in my life. I would jump to help a friend, loved one. etc. but if there is no major situations. I am first. Learning to give myself time to be \'lazy\', relax, take care of \'me\'. has been a whole new concept and I am liking it. Other things I have noticed since I take care of me. is I am not as angry, I am kinder and I am much more happy. Kudos to us Rosie! xo
I used to be quite the doormat, putting others ahead of myself. Good for you for working on this issue....it is not easy. Like you I sometimes have compassion for my self these days and put myself first with a number of things. I will go to any lengths to help a friend or my kids though. A little tougher with family I think. Really nice to read your journal on this.
Xo
love & hugs