things have calmed down once again
Yo yo yo peeps! Haha, just thought I'd be a dork. Any ways, tonight was a repeat of last night as far as the bingeing goes, but I didnt actually purge. I was so close, I literally had my finger down my throat ready to run to the bathroom, but I decided to try and reach out for help so I went on to DS to send out an SOS and luckily Dannielle was there to talk to. We chatted on aim for awhile and that really helped to dsitract me. She helped me think through things rationally. For a treatment update, we've finally settled on a treatment plan for the next couple of months at least. At first I was having second thoughts about doing treatment at all because I thought it was inpatient or nothing. But then some people helped me to think through how traumatizing inpatient would actually be especially for someone my age to be away from home for that long at only 15. So I thought, Ok lets give outpatient a try and see if that works. I've learned that with treatment, you go in steps, like first you try a dietician and a therpist, then you try outpatient, then inpatient is a last resort. So I'm finally and definitely going to Walden Behavioral Day Center 's outpatient program. It is on mondays, thursdays, and fridays from 3:30 to 7:30 and I'm really apprehnsive. There's no backing out now, beause I know how badly I need this. But I'm still so nervous! School starts in two weeks. I'm nervous but excited for various reasons. I want to see my friends again and have some structure to my day because this summer I've kind of just wandered around and mosied everywhere. My mom said she'd take me back to school clotehs shoppin so I"m excited about that. I want to go to T.J. Maxx becuase they have the cutest clothes and they're really cheap. I used to be such a name dropper in middle school and my parents bought me all the clothes and things i wanted and in the end i think it was wise of them to do that, because it wasn't long before I figured out on my own that money and labels and status mean absolute shit. It got to the point where I was like "So what if I don't dress exclusively in abercrombie and hollister!"(btw Hollister is actually rather affordable but abercrombie? pfffht! their jeans cost more than i weigh!!!!!!!! not to mention their sizes run disgustingly small and it's an enormous trigger.)Hmmm, what else is there...nothing much. Just bumming around. Looking for things to do. Almost done with my summer reading book, "The Lone Wolf and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven." It's actually not as horrendous as I expected. It's pretty doable. LOVE YOU ALL Megs P.S. This might be a stupid question, but I was wondering-do any of you guys absouely DETEST the feeling of full? I mean, like LOATHE it? I hate it and everytime I feel full, I freak. Not even stuffed, just full even from a healthy normal sized meal I hate the feeling I sspect it may have something to do with likeing the emptiness and thinking it rpoves that im strong or something. Oh well. Just thought I'd thrwo that out there.
Replies
I\'m glad Danielle was able to chat with you. I seen that you wanted chat with someone, but I was already chatting with someone else. You can only chat with one person at a time on ds chat. I was really hoping someone would chat with you. You know Danielle is always around when you need her. She\'s very dependable. lol
I so happy you are trying outpatient. I so badly wanted to dao an op program and I got accepted into one. I was looking forward to it, but then my insurance denied it. I found out an hour before I was about ready to go. It will be a challenge, but I think it will really help you. You\'ll learn how to deal with binges and purging.
My mom used to buy my clothes at T J Maxx when I was younger. She worked there part time so she got a discount and was able to buy us lots of stuff. Hollister is cheaper then Abercrombie and they have the same stuff. Kid Abercrombie is the cheapest though and their size large is the same as a regular small. It\'s just really hard to manuvuer a double stroller through that place. lol. You don\'t have that problem though.
I don\'t like feeling full either. With me it\'s because I feel like I weigh less when I\'m not full.
I am weeping again!!! I am so glad I could be there for you, but you were there for me too! after our convo, I didnt think once about that \"phone call!\" You litterally are growing before my eyes, and trying on your voice!!! That is huge! AMAZING! I use to determine my worth by what I could fit into victorias secret. But in the end. Maryellen helped me to see I am trying to fit into a store!!! Dont ever go there! Fit into your dreams!! Fit into your goals! Fit into health!!! In terms of treatment... the less you do with the most success is what truly matters!!! You know from our chat tonight on how I think treatment is a gift, but outpatient is a gift too! Yes without it I have this site... But having one on one support, and encouragement is irriplaceable. So I hope you take advantage of this gift!!! I dont like feeling full either, its so easy for me to achieve... and although being empty gives me a rush, being full is giving me that same rush because I know that full tummy is restoring my health!!! I love you angel! USE YOUR VOICE! TRUST AND BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF YOUR HEART!!!
I am so so pleased that you are seeking help in outpatient. I think that is a great plan and I would definitely do the same if I had an outpatient program near me. I am so proud of you for coming on DS and getting help rather than purging. I know it is so hard, but you can overcome this. Just one day at a time. I hate fullness as well because I feel out of control, but honestly you are gonna have to deal with feelings of fullness and realize that it doesn\'t mean you over ate and you are not gonna get obese from it. A normal healthy meal will make you full because you are not used to eating enough, but you need the nutrition. Your tummy will adjust, and if you eat many small meals rather than 3 big ones it will also be much easier. You can just be a grazer through out the day. It also helps greatly if you eat more dense foods. I know those are the scary foods but they really do keep you from feeling to stuffed and bloated. Like trail mix, nuts, nutrition bars, etc. You can do this babe, I am so proud of you!!!
omg omg omg! thats AWESOME! u had the urge to purge...but instead, u reached out...and look! u were victorious...u did something good for ur body....glad danni was there when u needed someone
That is so awesome that you resisted the urge to purge and came on here instead! You should be so proud of yourself... you just gave Ed a huge kick in the behind! :) You\'re so lucky that you live close to an outpatient program... I hope that it helps! I would love to do something like that but there aren\'t any programs like that around here. And I can definitely relate to hating the feeling of being full. Now that you\'ve identified that as a trigger, it would be a good idea to come up with some rational statements as ammunition to counteract your anxiety when you do feel full. It\'s easier to prepare for those situations when you\'re in a better mindset. You can do this!
Yay!!!!! I\'m so glad you reached out instead of purging. That is HUGE. Way to fight ED back! I\'m glad you settled on a treatment program, and hopefully they\'ll give you everything you need to kick ED to the curb. School starts in two weeks for me too (junior year baby!), and seeing friends is the ONLY reason I want to go back. Aeropostale has ridiculous sizes like Abercrombie. Have you noticed that? And then have like, extra extra smalls! My baby cousins couldn\'t wear their clothes, they\'d be too small!
Omg, you rock! Seriously, that\'s amazing of you to stop in the MIDDLE of purging and get on here for support. I\'m really, really proud of you. :)
I agree with everyone else, I think going to OP will be a really great experience for you, and I hope it helps a lot. I\'m assuming you eat dinner there, which might help you with purging, binges, and restricting.
You are so lucky that you start school in two weeks! Man, I started early this year. Have fun school shopping! I love doing that! I think it\'s the BEST part about going back to school. Hehe.
Yeah I HATE feeling full...it usually leads to my crying and feeling SO guilty. I am so proud of you for not purging....GOLD STAR!! I hope that the treatment can help you, I love you so much and want you to get better.....love love love you!
I am SO proud of you and impressed that you were able to fight off the urge to purge and were able to reach out and connect with somone. Yay for you for fighting ed!!! I\'m also really excited for you that you are going to have a treatment team working with you. I know from my own experiences that in order to really put recovery first and kick ed in the you know what, you really have to put your trust in your recovery team. You don\'t have to always like them or what they want you to do, but you DO have to realize they are professionals and have been doing this a long time. it is hard but i know you can do it! hang in there and keep fighting!
I think your treatment plan sounds wonderful. It sounds very similar to what I was going to do over the summer. It\'s good to start off slow instead of jumping right to inpatient..I can see how that would be overwhelming, especially at your age! And who knows, maybe this outpatient program will be so helpful that you won\'t even need to think about doing inpatient! I have faith in you that you will get through this! You\'re such a strong girl, and I think you proved that when you reached out for help instead of purging! That is one of the hardest things to do and I\'m SO proud of you! Keep it up girl!