Things at the moment

I made myself have two meals today! It was really difficult and I ended up cooking my tea at 10pm and having a mcdonalds lunch at like 4 in the afternoon... but I'm hoping that if I drink enough tonight I'll be able to shower and sleep before 2am and then I can get an early night for a change. That way, maybe tomorrow will be better. I need to make sure I get a doctors appointment to check a lump I've had for 4 weeks. I've been putting it off thinking it's probably a swollen gland but... perhaps it's not. I'm not worried though. I'm finding it hard to care about it. 
I've been wanting to cut myself a lot still, but I don't want to push away the guy I love. 
Thing is, there isn't really much pushing I can do any more anyway. Maybe I've been stupid. 
I feel like I've already lost, and that I was stupid to ever think he might choose me instead of her. He says he loves me, and I love him, but he will probably never leave her for me, no matter what she's done or what I do.
Either way... do I really want him to pick me because she fucked up? No. I wish he'd pick me because he says he loves me. I wish that was enough for him. But I don't think it is. If he hasn't decided these past 8 months he likely never will... 
I think maybe relationships and me just don't go together. I'll just be alone. One of the most inspiring people in my life isn't married and she's the same age as my Mum. She seems happy like that. Maybe I can be too. I can't see a relationship in the real world that I'd want to be in. I love my parents, but I have always hoped to be in a different kind of marriage to theirs... the only relationship I've been envious of in years was my sister and her boyfriend - who have recently split up and it turns out their very solid, connected, fun relationship had some very serious cracks in it. 
I know nothing is perfect, but if perfectly sane people are having such a hard time being connected with each other? I still might have a small chance but I don't know if I can keep putting myself out there and getting hurt. 
This all reads very juvenile, I know... but my track record has been worse than most girls my age. several rapists, a drug dealer, a guy who broke up with me every week for the first few months of our relationship... cheating... emotional abuse... physical abuse... guys who've tried to kill me... guys who've threatened me... users and manipulators. 
I'm just tired. I'm so so damn tired. I give 100% into every relationship and come out way more broken then I went in, beyond the normal amount of hurt... and it just makes it even more difficult for the next person to be with me. By the time I've found the person I'm in love with now I'm in a place where I have to justify all my craziness all the time and he does his best to understand but I know he doesn't always, and I can't expect him too, that'd be cruel. How can you understand something this complicated and crazy? I don't even always know what's happening to me or in my head, I can't expect someone with their own problems to get me, even if I'm capable of doing that for them. Which I do... constantly. But as everyone keeps pointing out, I'm not like everyone else. 
I'm almost done with everything. Right now, I'm focusing on reading, drawing and having constant sound playing so I don't get too lost in my own head and end up going to get everything I need to end it all the way I've planned. I'm talking to people more now. Just chatting mostly though. I hate to admit it but I really need people. I like being the one that's needed but I'm so fragile now that I need my friends for a change. I'm doing my best to keep people close without driving them away with all my miserable crap. It's hard. I don't want to lie about how I'm doing to them, I know they hate that, but I don't want to sit and whine about my stuff and bother them. 
Thing is, no-one's here at the moment. I've organised a really busy end of the week, but for now I'll just have to spend my days prepping for it and my therapy session on Friday. I'm reliving one of the times I was pressured into sex this week... I want to cry just thinking about it. I haven't been able to write it down yet.
The brand of pathetic I feel at the moment is very close to how I felt when that happened... I wish I could hug her, the girl I was. We both felt like there wasn't much point in anything anymore so what does it matter what happens to us? I can't not cut anymore. I'm too broken to keep going on like everything is normal. It's not. It's never normal and I wish I could do something to change it but I can't. I need someone to just love me for who I fucking am, understand me and care about me and let me love them and care for them too. I want to be an equal... 
It's not okay when thinking I might need to start asking someone to come over and choke me a couple of times a month this summer  because I don't know how I'll manage without it doesn't only feel like a normal thought but a frequent one. I'm not right in the head. Wanting to cut off your own breasts isn't normal... I just can't believe how much all the abuse I've suffered has affected me, and they are all fine and living their lives. If I was an evil person I'd do something about it. But I'm just too obsessed with being good and perfect that I know I never will and I'll just have to suffer. Living a normal life for everyone else is so hard. At least I have DS and my journal and my therapy sessions until they end. Then I have no idea what I'll be left with.