things at moment

well things in the life of mac seems to go from bad to worse i cant control my self harming its getting the point again were i wanna cut all the time for no reason i just wanna do it all the time even when iam happy the thought of suicide are so strong but i feel i cant tell anayone i cant tell my husband or work i not been taking my meds for a while i dont want to get better i dont dont deserve to get better i dont need my life i feel like being dead will be so much better i hate me i hate my life i hate everything all i wanna do is drink all the time and do drugs i feel like iam slipping into the hole again and this time the hole will take me and i dont care who i leave behind or hurt