Things Are Not Going Well.

Monday, September 21, 2009 - 1 PM Few things seem to be going very well in recent weeks. That includes both my physical and mental status. I am growing weary of my overall life in general. There needs to be some type of positive change, but I'm not sure exactly how to bring it about.   My mood seems to have declined, which is partially due to two of the people who help me. I have decided that I'm going to need to have one of my morning CNA's replaced as soon as possible. Although she only works on the weekends, she has managed to push as many of my buttons as she possibly can. I have tried putting up with her for about a month, but she pushed my patience beyond its limits during this past weekend.   She failed to show up here Saturday morning without notifying anyone. That meant that no substitute was sent in her place. On Sunday morning, she tried telling me that she had not been here because she was taking tests for the state. That sounded pretty good except for one thing: not only are the state offices closed on Saturdays, but also so were the offices of my home healthcare agency through which she works. That excuse did not float.   As she was working with me yesterday morning, the upper part of my body was dangling off the side of the bed, and she tried lifting me back onto the bed by putting her hands around my neck and yanking it. I have been in pain ever since then. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I am going to call my home healthcare agency this afternoon and ask that she be replaced.   The second person, who had been causing me some problems, cannot do everything that is required of him because he does not drive a car, but rides a bike. Because of this, he is unable to do my grocery shopping and get my medications as needed.   I do not want to replace him because he is very useful in many other ways. For instance, he helped me get my new computer monitor and printer, and bring them home, which is not anything for which he is responsible. In fact, both of us would probably be in some "hot water" if the agency ever found out that he was helping me with something like this. Although he did this during his own time, I am sure that the home healthcare agency would frown upon it.   This morning I received an e-mail from my brother. He wants to come see me on Thursday. He suggested that we have a picnic in a park. Since the temperatures dropped into the 40s last night, and are supposed to remain in the 40s and 50s throughout the remainder of the week, going on a picnic is one of the last things I want to do. I suspect I will take his second option of getting some sandwiches from Subway and having a picnic in my apartment.   I saw Dale Friday morning. He wanted to know how things were going in my life since I did not seem to be in a very good mood. I explained to him about the problems I've been having with my computer, as well as the difficulties I have had in talking with Dr. Martin about my sexual abuse. He said that he was aware that I was going to have a hard time in the discussions with Dr. Martin about this subject.   Dale and I discussed the fact that most of my family had either been, or were currently on, vacations. He told me that he thought I was suffering from "vacation abandonment." I told him that I had been considering going to Las Vegas in either March or April, and that Dr. Martin had said she would like to see me go right away. I explained to him that I had not yet made a final decision on whether to go. Even when I do decide when and where to go on a vacation, it is going to take a certain amount of planning and preparations.   When I saw Dr. Martin last Wednesday, I somehow managed to steer clear about the sexual issues. Since I had a lot of problems talking about them the week prior to this, I did not want to go into it again. There were a few times when I was at the point of being close to breaking down and crying, but was able to restrain myself from doing that.



\"There were a few times when I was at the point of being close to breaking down and crying, but was able to restrain myself from doing that.\"

Ummm..... She\'s probably been WAITING for you to do that. To go ahead and cry. And she can\'t help you more until you do.

I would be willing to bet, that when you feel that way, it\'s the unprotected child in you that just wants to let loose. The abused teen, young man, the guy who was too afraid. All of \'you\'.

If you keep holding it in Jim,

it will destroy you chunk by chunk. It already has a good start.

Let me ask you this: If tomorrow, what happened to you happened to me just once, would you cry with me? For me? About me? I sure as hell would be crying... or at the very least REALLY PISSED OFF.

Why can you not allow the same for yourself?

*Note, I tend to cry when I get pissed off. If I don\'t cry, there will be dead things all over, many innocent bystanders... Something I\'m working on, which meno made a lot harder.

And don\'t tell me your parents told you men don\'t cry. You told me that early in our friendship.

Just because they told you that, doesn\'t mean they were right.


Jim, are you willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES?

In the scheme of the universe spinning, do you think crying will have an effect?

I know it\'s very very difficult for you to face it. I\'m not trying to make fun of you. I\'m serious. Our species is meant to cry, and you keep stopping it.

You know I\'m with you.

And I bet your other friends will have a lot of much smarter input than I do.

Hugs and Mojo

If you can let yourself cry, it\'s very therapeutic. I\'ve read many people describe it as cleansing. I cry in front of my therapist all the time.

I\'m really glad you have the one good CNA who goes above and beyond what is required. Maybe it is frowned upon that he is helping more than most but I think it should be encouraged. In my fantasy world, that would happen.

I know it\'s inconvenient and feels yucky to report on someone but she deserves it. It\'s not just simple irresponsibility we\'re talking about. Someone\'s health and well being is at stake. She can make all the excuses she wants but someone has to be notified in these situations. It\'s not like she couldn\'t have told someone!

If your brother comes over for a picnic be sure to talk incessantly about the computer problems you\'ve been having.

I imagine it must require more work than most to plan a trip. Do you have to bring someone along with you or do you find agencies where you are going to help you out?

i hope you are able to report the worker(s) who are not doing their stated purpose. whether or not they help you in other ways doesn\'t make their inattentiveness and/or abuse okay. i would advise searching for other replacements, interviewing them, then agreeing to hire them, setting up a date/time to start & sign papers while at the same time firing the old staff so there is a seamless transition as possible. sorry to hear about these issues, but i too have had PCA nightmares and the more accountability the better. people seem to think they can do whatever they want. at least now you have a better idea of what to look for in a potential hire, from the other experiences you have.

re the therapy, crying might be necessary. your therapist should guide you as far as the best way to heal from hurt. emotions are real and need to be expressed in a safe way, and the therapy is a great place to do that. your counsellor can help you move through the process and check in regarding ways to emotional recovery. it might take some time, but perhaps the biggest hurdle is starting. congrats on this, buddy!