THINGS ARE GOING...

Well things have kinda been at a stalemate around here. No better and no worse i guess. I dont know what is going on with me and DH. We are just so off. I dont even know how to get back on track. I want to. We are doing a nightly couples bible study but it always end in a fight. How ironic is that. Last night it asked what you thought true love was and I drew a complete blank. We have nothing that resembles true love. We get along just find when Ian is around. We are great parents but once he is in bed. Its like 2 strangers. He just doesnt get my feelings. We found out yesterday that if we dont get this nxt transfer we wont get one for like4 or 5 years. That is absolutely not an option for us. I cant mentally be away from everyone for 4 or 5 more years. I cant. I am already so close to a mental break down. Dh doesn’t understand how I feel. I feel like there is no me. Im nothing more than a mom. And for some I know that is all they need. Its not me. Im not wired like that. Dh keeps saying this is the decision we made so to bad. Im like sometime people make the wrong choices. I told him I don’t have the answers and he kept saying what do you want to do nikki, what do we do. I lost it. I don’t yell I don’t cuss but I did last night. I was like I told you I don’t have the answers so you sitting here hounding me doesn’t help. We screwed up. This choice is destroying our marriage. He is like well I cant go back to being a street cop I wont. So its all about him. Who cares that I loose myself and all my dreams. He doesn’t get it. I get no adult interaction at all. He does every single day. He thinks it so easy to just make friends. Well its not when you have kinda. Its not when you are broke. You cant go do things with other people. He travels to all these places, Dubai, paris, rome, Germany, Normandy. Just to name a few. He gets to sight see, try new food, experience new things. Poor him. All I want is to be able to have part of my life back. Something that makes me feel like me. I miss working, I miss my friends. I am so freaking smart. I want to use my brain. Dh said the worst thing last night when I was talking about missing my job. He said, “you were nothing more than a secretary” That’s when I flipped out and dropped the f-bomb. I was like what the hell are you talking about. I was a legal assistant. He says that I was treated like crap because I didn’t get paid enough. I was like what the hell are you talking about? Ya I didn’t make the most money. But I have made more and hated my job, worried about loosing it if I was sick or had appointment. I have had horrible working conditions and worked for Bitches. I LOVED my firm. They treated me awesome. They gave me great opportunities and allowed me to grow in the legal field. I never worried about appointments or being sick. They paid my maternity leave 100% and they through me a baby shower. They were awesome. I rather make less and love what I do and who I do it for. I also made 2 of my best friends there. I got paid to work with my friends. Its like he was trying to make me change my mind. I was pissed. The whole nothing more than a secretary thing pissed me off. I was in the court room often at the jail talking to clients in meetings. I was far from a secretary. I don’t know what we will do if he doesn’t get this transfer. The government is making cut backs so other agencies are not hiring. I am just hurt. I know I cant stay here and I don’t want to tear my family apart but every day that goes by I resent my Dh more and more. All he says is oh well it is what it is. I don’t expect him to have answers either but i do expect him to say he understands and we will do whatever we have to. That we will figure it out. I can honestly say that I can see myself leaving Dh if we don’t get this transfer. I cant do 2 kids alone. I cant live like this anymore. Its not because I don’t love him. Its not because I want a divorce. I just cant handle this life anymore out here alone. Its not healthy for me. I am not the person I use to be. I miss being happy I miss looking forward to things. We wont know about the transfers until next month. They are suppose to come out then and we will know dec/jan if he got it.