They left me in the dust.

Today at a seminar (ironically on team building), my dystonia kicked in at work. I've been able to function in a partial day/every other day in the office at my new job, and while my new coworkers knew something was different about me, they weren't sure what it was. My dystonia treatments give me between 6-7 straight good functioning hours a day at home, and I have worked part time in marketing and business consulting for about 18 years. Setting my own schedule, I functioned pretty well. 

A few months ago, I accepted a more traditional job with the agreement I would work from home most of the time. About 2 months later, they asked me to work half time in the office, which has been good, but those 3 partial days literally exhaust me for the whole week. 

Thid week, I came to a conference and attended all of the daytime trainings, but missed all of the team dinners and social stuff, opting to come back and rest so I could continue the work. 

All week, since I didn't have to drive, I kept taking the full daily dose of bavlofen on schedule to prevent the spasms from being visible. Every night I zonked on extra mess and slept. Today, last day, my body couldn't hold it anymore and I had a torticollis and left leg and shoulder go into spasms in a seminar. My muscles were tearing and searing pain, and I got through the seminar. Afterward, I explained to my colleagues that I wasn't blowing them off at night, just trying to keep this from happening so I could keep working. They sorta shrugged their shoulders and said no biggie. 

My boss realized what was happening with me, and suggested we stay in the hotel and eat, instead of walking a mile to the restaurant row like the others had done each night. She said we could go freshen up and meet in the lobby in 30 minutes. 

As everyone got up to leave, we started walking back to the main part of the lobby, and I was having a lot of difficulty moving. I have tried all week to keep up, but simply couldn't. Suddenly I realized all my coworkers were 10, then 20, then 30 feet ahead, and I was struggling to not fall. They were all aware for over an hour of my jerky/spazzed muscles, and not one person noticed I was really struggling. It was like a bad dream I have, where I fall and people just keep walking over top of me. I felt so alone, so freaky, so much physical and emotional pain. When I got to my room I sobbed for 20 minutes straight. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. 

Im not sure how, but I stopped crying, washed my face, changed my shirt, redid makeup and went to dinner. By then, my meds were kicking in, and I was determined not to let the pain win. I ate dinner, conversed, and did my best to fit in. My pain level is at 9, 10 being screaming in a hospital bed in pain from unrelenting spasms. I'm exhausted to my core. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

We go home tomorrow, a 7 hour car ride, and I'm bent in half sideways laying down.

Ive worked from home for 14 years, so very few people know this side of me, but the ones who did have always been kind and helpful. I felt so invisible and unwanted today. Ironically, the seminar we were in was about a team culture. It's the least I've felt like I was on a team in my life. 

Sorry to be whining about this...when so many people are unable to work at all. I hesitated about taking this job because it's a traditional office job, 30 miles from home. It was a great opportunity to pay off my medical debt quickly, but my quality of life is next to nothing, and my health is more precarious than it's been in awhile. 

Im hoping I can have a good discussion with my boss about work and keep my job, maybe even shorten my week and pay, and delegate some things. I'm exhausted, hurting, and alone. I can't wait to be home with my husband tomorrow.