THEY COME AND GO AND THEN AGAIN.

My mom always hated holidays..I never understood why...I loved all Holiday, Christmas my favorite. Now they come and it seems as one goes another one comes and now I wish Holidays would go away.....I don't think I feel the way she did about Holidays, yes she had a miscarriage before me a set of twins, it seemed to bother her a bit, she would talk about it, but not in how we do here...Her Holiday dislikes was the fear of being alone. So I guess in some ways she too felt the way we do, the lonelyness of our child being gone, just being alone....Now Holidays get close and my inside churns wishing the world would just let them go, instead they make more Holiday's...and as hard as we may try we may try to forget the there they are one after another.  And as they are approaching as hard as one may try it's always there...as the days get closer we feel it coming on....and now we ourselves have added on days we have to face differently...and a day we wish we never had to know.  I know inside me I start feeling something is wrong as I approach certain dates...As it gets closer to my birthday the churning starts...as it gets closer to my son, Kenny's birthday the churning starts...the worst we have had to add is the date our child left us and the Memorial Day of our child...Those days seem to be the hardest to get through.  They are for me...The memories seem to never really stop of that horrible day..whether we are awake or asleep, they always haunt.  The other night I am not sure if I was asleep or awake, but I was back at the UAB, ICU, my hand on his heart and the other in his hand praying this was not to be,...that this would end to be a day that my prayers were answered...that as Ken took his last breath, he would be restored.  It was not to be...so now Dec 30 becomes another day I add to my list of days I wish Oh how I wish thing would have been different..There was a poem on my Facebook today and the one thing it talked about we're all the things we miss but one I had not thought of was missing Ken's wisdom...missing his advise...how I miss all of him..As I began it seems the holidays just keep coming and we can't escape them. Now we are moving into June...We just left Mother's Day and Father's Day is near...and a lot of us were both mom's and days...They are just days if only our minds could just list them that way. Yet those days and every day without our sweet children, we have a longing in us that no matter how....they are embetted in our hearts...the love, the pain, the wanting.  It will foever be. Nothing can take the loneliness away...we do the best...Forever in my heart.   Forever I will love you my son Ken. God loaned me the best, I hope i did my best being his mom..until we meet again...Each day comes and goes and comes again and as painful as it is, I would do it all again...