They Are Not Real Accidents

We practiced two times again today.  I have to remind myself they are not real accidents.  I even said that to her today.  Right.  We tried things out.  I came in and she commented the guy and I are on the same schedule again.  Yes.  I told her he said something to me this time.  He said it’s none of his business but wanted to know where we go all the time.  I told him we just go outside – he thinks to talk.  He didn’t know if we went to go get a drink somewhere.  No.  I made no big deal about it.  My therapist says if his therapist says something to her she’ll know why – why can’t we go outside, too?  He may say.  She noticed my full bag.  I said I had all kind of goodies inside.  I said how I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on something I don’t know if it’ll work or I’ll never wear again so I went to a thrift store.  I spent only 5 dollars.  I pulled first the bike shorts out of the bag.  She was thrilled.  She said how resourceful I am.  Later she said how it took a year for me to give in about bike shorts.  I teased her that ‘her and her bike shorts!’  She wanted to look at them.  I handed them to her and she really looked to see how they were made and such.  I asked her if she has bike shorts.  No.  We laughed.  I finally gave in.  She shorts were 2.00 and the pants 3.00.  I told her I think the shorts are a boys size 12-14.  They are tight and go way up too high on my waist so I have to turn them down.  Same as the pants I bought.  She said how I’m now expanding my wardrobe.  I told her it was hard to find the shorts because they don’t have summer things in the stores anymore.  I went over to the boys/mens and they were next to the underwear boxer shorts.  The pants – the kind you can hear – were hard to find, too.  I tried on so many and they were just way too baggy.  She said black – what a good color (they don’t show wetness as much).  She said something to the fact that they were just there waiting for me.  Yeah right.  And I didn’t have to spend 50-60 at somewhere like Kohl’s.  I had told her at first that I don’t have to go real badly so we have a few minutes to talk.  This was before I showed them to her.  I told her how hard it is to time it right when we do this two times.  When I was putting them on I told her it’s so nice because I don’t have to go badly yet.  Last time I didn’t know if I was going to get the pad on in time.  She said something, don’t know what, how she can imagine that.    I told her about the levee that we are going to be walking at (she’s not been) and how it came to be.  It’s a good thing I researched it we both said.  The paved road is built on top of it and there is nothing around.  I read from something I printed out.  No – trees.  That means I can’t go somewhere if I really need to.  And stores way across the highway but nothing else around.  Kind of like the wedding, I reminded her.  Yes.  I told her I didn’t want to go but I wanted to try these things out.    So I soon said I needed to go to the bathroom.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  I thought.  I told her I’m going to put a pad on and then the bicycle shorts and my jeans on top.  So she turned around and I did that.  They were so tight and she commented that I don’t have to worry about my tummy bulging out.  That’s for sure.  When I got the shorts on I told her she can look and see what they look like.  She said they look cute on.  Then I put my jeans back on over it and then my tennis shoes.  We set off walking.  I wanted to take something with me incase my jeans got wet.  She said to take the black pants.  So I took them – just holding them in my arms - with me and hoped that man was gone when we walked into the waiting room.  He was not there.  He’d for sure wonder why I carrying a pair of pants with me.  I asked her if she could see anything.  No.  I noticed the line of the shorts under.  Not too bad she told me.  I wanted to go outside but I knew we couldn’t because it was pouring.  I even said once maybe it had stopped but it didn’t.  So we walked upstairs down the hall.  I commented how quiet it is up there.  She said not many offices occupied.  Then we went down the stairs to the basement floor and walked down that hall.  The door was closed.  Coming back and about to go into the lobby area down there I said, “I can’t hold it anymore,” and was going.  She said to keep walking like I would be and not let on what was happening.  I told her earlier how I wanted to do this walking because of the trail walk this weekend.    She asked me if I was done.  Yes.  She asked me if I wanted her to look to see if it worked.  I glanced down and said it was OK for her to look.  She did.  We both did.  It worked but not completely.  I commented on the way back up the stairs that when I don’t have a pad on it just goes down my legs and when I have a pad on it’s higher and just spreads out.  She said it’s doing it’s job.  On the way back, or during, we talked about flu shots (she will get one but hasn’t yet), about my son and I asked her if she saw the baseball game last night.  Her husband did but she was off & on.  I said I did but not to the end – I fell asleep.    So we went back into her office and we looked again.  On the way back there she glanced back at me I guess wondering if I was ging to go into the bathroom first but I didn't.  She told me to get comfortable.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  Do I want to go to the bathroom to change?  I was thinking how I wanted to do this.  She said about throwing my pad away into the trash in the bathroom.  I said I’d just take it home and throw it away – not in her trash (I didn’t say but I’d feel funny about that).  So I said I’d just change there.  She said she’d turn around and organize her sand table items again.    I took the wet jeans and pad off and put them into a bag.  I then put on another pad, kept the bike shorts on (they were wet some and I told her earlier they would be) and put the black pants on with the lining inside on over them.  I was standing and she looked when she turned back around.  She said the pants looked really cute.  Very nice style.  She thought they’d be baggy but they weren’t.  I said the bottoms look funny.  She said they looked good with my tennis shoes.  I told her I washed these clothes after I got them home.  But everything is so tight.    So after I changed we talked a little about it.  It worked but they still got wet.  We talked about clothes and she said how I’m expanding my wardrobe out and we laughed.  She said about inventing some kind of ‘tent’ to cover.  Some sort of cover or insert or something.  I think she’s just fishing and being hopeful for me.  She said about next getting me to wear a long tunic top.  I commented and showed her how the top I was wearing was sort of longer.  Later she was still talking about the inventing thing – some sort of insert into the bike shorts.  I said plastic.  She said something to that sort.  Once she said, “If I had this problem …” and I don’t remember what it was about.  Clothes to wear, or products, I guess.    So we just talked about other things.  About my dentist and other professionals telling me things.  Makes me feel good because I like to listen and help people and she said they think I’m trustworthy, too.  About the strange phone call from my grandson last night and it was almost like my daughter’s boyfriend wanted him to be in trouble for a button coming off his boy scout uniform.  I don’t like that.  No big deal – I’ll sew it back on I told him.  She just listened.  I guess she can’t say anything because she sees them.  About my son who just called on my way here and all his negatives and such.  When we were walking and I told her he called and I was going to not answer it and call him back when I got here but I knew we had to do other things.  About texting my cousin about the baseball game.    I asked her if she was going to be there Monday at the time I come because I heard Ruth talking last week to my massage therapist she’s not coming that day.  She looked at her calendar and was happy I said something.  She wouldn’t have seen it until that morning.  She has to leave at 1:00 to go to her meeting and asked me if I can come at 11 AM.  Sure.  She said she’s so glad I’m on top of it and thanked me when I left for being flexible.  Sure.  I told her I wanted to do that exercise she talked about last week about dealing with my aunt and my son.  She said sure.  We started to.  She asked me if I wanted the tappers when we do it but we didn’t get that far.  While we were talking about this and she was writing I needed to go to the bathroom again.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  I said we can talk a few minutes.  We did and then I told her I was needing to go so we didn’t finish until way later – just before we ended.  And we didn’t get to do the tappers and the exercise.  She said we will on Monday.  Before we went walking we only got to 2 out of the 3 answers I was giving.  Whenever I need to go we, or I, just go.  She never tried to hold me up.  That’s nice.  So we set back out again to go walking.  We did the same route.  First down the hallway upstairs and then down the 2 flights of stairs to the basement.  When we got down to the first floor I said it’s getting harder.  We continued walking.  Back down that hallway downstairs and again, close to the same spot down that hallway I started going to the bathroom again.  I told her.  We walked from the hallway into the little lobby area.  She told me again to act like nothing’s going on.  Maybe lag behind the rest of the people.  And don’t talk I added.  Again she asked me if I was done.  Yes.  She asked me if I wanted her to look.  She did.    There was one area that was really wet – on the lower part of my butt on one side.  She looked and saw nothing.  “A success!!” she said excitedly as we walked back up the stairs.  I told her yes but it’s very wet inside, very uncomfortable.  She said we’ll talk about that when we get back.  So we went back into her office and we looked again.  She asked me if I wanted a mirror to look.  Yes.  I couldn’t tell.  She said she saw nothing.  I again said how I can feel it.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  This time, I told her, I wanted to change in the bathroom.  That’s what I did and came back    Again I talked about how wet and uncomfortable they were.  She said it’s a risk thing I need to think about.  She talked to someone deciding to go mountain climbing or not – weighing out the risks.  She asked me what size pad I had on – like a medium.  I said yes, it’s hard to find one with all the pads filled in.  It’s not Big Bertha.  She smiled.  Then she said no – she’s not invited.  I smiled.  At least we’re trying to put some humor into all of this.  We have to.  Being too serious all the time is not good when it comes to this.  I need to have the ‘no big deal’ in my head and not the ‘this is such a terrible thing.’  Maybe I don’t want to go at all she told me.  Maybe I want to just skip this one.  “But what could I say?” I wanted to know.  Basically, just that I wasn’t going to go to this one.  I’m not sure I can.  I do want to go to this.  I like to walk and it sounds cool that you can see the river and such.  She said maybe it’s something I can do just with my husband and not a whole group of people.  She had asked me earlier how many people are going – 6 to 8 people.  My leg has been hurting and she said to tell the massage therapist.  I said I was going to.  That would be a reason not to go.  I told her how it’s going to be really cold on Sunday and she knows what that does to me – I have to go quicker.  And with my pants being wet it will become very cold and uncomfortable and I’d have to keep it on the whole rest of the time.  Yes.  It’s hard to walk with all those clothes and the pad and even harder if it’s wet – even more heavier.  You want to walk sort of briskly.  You can’t with all those things on.  She said it looks like it might work one time but not two.  I asked her if we’re walking for 2 hours if she thinks I’ll have to go two times.  Yes.  I told her I must have gone more the second time because my pants were really wet and my jeans would have been wetter if was more the first time.  I even said I’d show her (how wet they are) but – no.  They were already in my bag.  For the rest of the time we talked about my son and what I can do for that exercise.  She knows I’m going to be in confrontations with him and I said how we’ll be in the car together on long car rides.  She mentioned my IPod.  Yes, I can listen to that and let him listen to the radio.  I told her it’s like a wife in an abusive situation and she keeps going back to the husband.  He’s verbally abusive to me but he’s my son.  I’ll always go back to him.  But I’m confident with him and don’t take it unless he gets really bad and then I fall apart.  I told her I said something about him not being close to family.  I stressed that so much.  She says maybe it’s a phase.  And if he’d come back here he can’t live with us with the way he is and his dogs and he would expect to.  She said with my aunt to change the subject when she’s getting funny.  Older people don’t have a very long attention span.   I said how we have 4 more times before my trip and we have to start working with Big Bertha.  She smiled.  She knows.  Funny, although I didn’t say, how I always leave that for last.  Avoidance?  I told her I’d like to keep my worry box there but I’d like the cards back (they were from my last trip).  I’d like to do the cards again this time.  I left and went to the massage therapist holding another big bag full of wet clothes.  I tried to put it down real fast and put my stuff on top of it so she wouldn’t notice.  I’m afraid one of these days she’ll ask me what’s in the bag like that man finally asked me where me and my therapist go.  What would I say?  I can’t tell her.  Anyone!!