Theres something wrong with me ??

I was just having intercourse with my boyfriend and after he was done he just walked away and it sent me back.... then there i was in the fetal postion....just balling my eyes out, i was shaking, i got hot, i felt so sick in my stomach.. my abuse has been sitting heavy on my mind lately and i dont know why..... its been years......  the other day i was giving him a "kiss" down there, and after he finished i threw up.... he doesnt understand... and no matter wat he never will.... i need to go to therapy, comfront some people, and move on with my life... i dont wanna be this mean angry person no more... i dont wanna freak out... i am 20 years old my abuse began at around 8yr old by our "baby sitter".. who was in fact just our 13 yr old cousin... sadly how ever i was not the only one at his disposal... at his hands suffered myself my two brothers and my two older girl cousins.. he fucked up my head.. i can say this at times he was abusive but he had us all convinced it was one big ass game... and we would get in trouble if we didnt do what he told us to... one day his dad seen him with me bent over pants around my ankles.... i looked at him.... distressed and paniced.... he turned around like he had seen nothing.... it makes me wonder what happened to him... it stopped soon after when he moved... there are two ways to end up after abuse... you either give yourself to everyone or no one... i managed to stay away from sex till i was around 15 and it relapsed... my mom and her longterm boyfriend had gone out & came back completely wasted i heard them come in i was already in bed i guess my mom passed out on the bed cuz the next thing i knew this grown ass man was on top of kissing me touching me... i froze in fear for a second then jumped up.... all i knew is that i didnt want to get in trouble.... i begged his to stop he was plastered...... i called for my dog and let her out to pretend i was walking her... my mom walked in and asked wat we where doing... i said i was walking the dog.... i should of told her then and there... i should of.... i dont know whats wrong with me.. that year i started looking for boyfriends and had sex.... my first was with this butt hole that told me if i liked him i would give it to him.... never seen him again... my next, a stranger, my "home girl" left me in his house with him so she can hang out with her man... never seen him again...after that i was picked up by this old friend from school.... given a whole bunch of pills and taken advantage of... after that i sought out this relationship with this man 8 years older than me... it was a "secret" relatonship always sneeking around.... probly cuz he fucked my mother... he got me on cocaine... then he ran away with my twin brothers girl friend... and that brings us currently after him... i entered a relationship with a long lost friend... and we are now going into our 4th year... i love him very much and he does not sexually misuse me.... i dont like scaring him like this... i dont want him to think i am crazy.. i just been thinking too hard...  "What can i do i am open to advice"