There - I finally said it...

I'm different from the rest of my family.  I've beared the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I've felt the pain of strangers deep in my heart and that's not the only thing that sets me apart.  My oldest sister is a recovering Cocaine abuser and she's 5 months pregnant and 1.5 months clean.  I have to start there to make any sense at all.  I'm hurt and life is a struggle yet I put my pain on a shelf to focus my love and attention on my sister when she needed an out from her drug infested lifestyle.  I picked up the peices.  I bailed her out of jail and arranged for her detox and treatment which was a turning point in her life.  Before all of this happened I was dealing with my own coming to terms with my infertility and doing something about it.  I was raising money for Invitro Fertilization and saving money and all of my time and effort went into that.  My sister seen my pain and promised to help.  I should have never let her because now it hurts more than ever.  She did help for a day or two then left and I had to pull her bail and help her with her treatment and healing journey.  My pain has forever left her memory and she never thought twice about not helping me ever again.  I helped her on her healing journey and my infertility and happiness was second to her healing and happiness.  She got better then relapsed.  She came into huge amounts of money and did not ever offer to help me with my invitro that she KNOWS I can't afford even with my insurance coverage.  She and a boyfriend who is also a drug abuser decided to open a business even and spent 10's of thousands of dollars, hired people and paid them thousands and when their business closed out they ended up giving away all their merchandies away for cocaine.  My sister even gave a 5000 loan to the couple who just aborted the baby they were going to adopt to us.  Knowing 5000 would help us with everything.  She would come to my house and tell me about her spending thousands of dollars and I would try to be happy for her I really would.  inside I was torn and now I realize that the pain was even more then I imagined.She's pregnant and happy and drug free for now.  I quit smoking when I thought I was adopting a baby, she cant even give it up when she is having a baby.  What do I do and will our relationship ever be the same?  How come it hurts even just to think about her and to be around her hurts even more.  I'm not going to the baby shower.  She gave me ultrasound pictures and I pray everything is okay for her but it hurts you know.... after all she's done to me she's never recognized ANY of it is hurtful.  She never admitted to me or evn herself that rubbing her wealth in my face was very damaging to my soul and to my heart.