There are no fairy tales.
I've been binge watching a TV show called, "Married at First Sight". The premise of the show is that a panel of 4 experts blindly match 3 couples and the couples agree to marry without ever meeting or knowing anything about each other. They marry, then go on a honeymoon, then move in together and try to get to know each other, fall in love, and mesh each other's lives together. They have 6 weeks to do all this and then they have to decide to stay married or get divorced.
This show is crazy, but it really highlights how jacked up our expectations of marriage are. Over and over I hear, "I want the fairy tale," and "This could be my fairy tale ending," etc. These people - to a one - have delusions that if experts match them together, then there will be this magical, perfect relationship straight from the moment they see each other. To a one, they all end up absolutely destroyed when their delusions come crashing down and they figure out that NO relationship "just happens" magically. The work they have to put in is put under a television microscope and it quickly becomes obvious that in order to make a marriage, a LOT of work has to go into it.
This, for those of us who have been married for any length of time, is truth whether we've known our partners for decades or if we're newlyweds. NO relationship is conflict free, and no marriage that is a true partnership "just happens". This **** takes work, ya know??
I have to say, this show is so addictive because of what I know from this site and from Marriage Builders. It's sooo crazy being able to watch things play out and knowing what each couple and each person could be doing differently to make the marriage work. I feel so excited when they do what they "should" and see results, because there really is a formula for a great marriage.
Don't get me wrong, some matches are just not going to work. There are some conflicts and some differences that are just insurmountable. If there are conflicting beliefs, conflicting morals, conflicting goals, conflicting expectations, it'll make a marriage painful at best, and completely impossible at worst. However, in theory, partners that are at least relatively well matched can make things work - if they're willing to DO the work.
Some points that really are worth highlighting:
* I have watched 2 seasons. In each season, 2/3 couples chose to stay married.
* Of the 2 couples that didn't stay together, BOTH couples insisted on keeping their own homes and never integrated their households. They lived together, but in one instance, the man moved in with the woman, but still kept his own apartment. With the other couple, both parties kept their own owned homes and found an "interim" apartment to stay in together during this TV show/social experiment.
* While this is obviously a very tiny sampling, each season had a couple in which the WOMAN was disappointed in the looks of her matched partner. I found this shocking, considering men are supposedly the ones who have physical looks as a priority/need. Interestingly, by the end of the 6 weeks, both of those women who had initially been disappointed, not only found their husbands attractive/desirable, they definitely seemed to be truly invested and - gasp - falling in love! Proof that attraction doesn't have to be instant and can develop over time!
* The younger the couple, the easier time they had changing/adjusting/integrating. The older the couple, the more clearly set in his and her way and the less likely to negotiate and give ground to the other person. The older the couple/individual, the more independent s/he wanted to stay, even after marriage.
* It is really is eye opening to how ineffective our current system for finding partners is and how very often we stand in our own way of happiness. One example was how over and again, "being right" stands in the way of "being happy" with these couples, and it isn't until they overcome that they're able to start working things out.
I have more thoughts on the matter, but it really does cement my belief that Marriage Builders system really and truly does make sense and really does work and I can see WHY. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but it definitely is for us.
This show is crazy, but it really highlights how jacked up our expectations of marriage are. Over and over I hear, "I want the fairy tale," and "This could be my fairy tale ending," etc. These people - to a one - have delusions that if experts match them together, then there will be this magical, perfect relationship straight from the moment they see each other. To a one, they all end up absolutely destroyed when their delusions come crashing down and they figure out that NO relationship "just happens" magically. The work they have to put in is put under a television microscope and it quickly becomes obvious that in order to make a marriage, a LOT of work has to go into it.
This, for those of us who have been married for any length of time, is truth whether we've known our partners for decades or if we're newlyweds. NO relationship is conflict free, and no marriage that is a true partnership "just happens". This **** takes work, ya know??
I have to say, this show is so addictive because of what I know from this site and from Marriage Builders. It's sooo crazy being able to watch things play out and knowing what each couple and each person could be doing differently to make the marriage work. I feel so excited when they do what they "should" and see results, because there really is a formula for a great marriage.
Don't get me wrong, some matches are just not going to work. There are some conflicts and some differences that are just insurmountable. If there are conflicting beliefs, conflicting morals, conflicting goals, conflicting expectations, it'll make a marriage painful at best, and completely impossible at worst. However, in theory, partners that are at least relatively well matched can make things work - if they're willing to DO the work.
Some points that really are worth highlighting:
* I have watched 2 seasons. In each season, 2/3 couples chose to stay married.
* Of the 2 couples that didn't stay together, BOTH couples insisted on keeping their own homes and never integrated their households. They lived together, but in one instance, the man moved in with the woman, but still kept his own apartment. With the other couple, both parties kept their own owned homes and found an "interim" apartment to stay in together during this TV show/social experiment.
* While this is obviously a very tiny sampling, each season had a couple in which the WOMAN was disappointed in the looks of her matched partner. I found this shocking, considering men are supposedly the ones who have physical looks as a priority/need. Interestingly, by the end of the 6 weeks, both of those women who had initially been disappointed, not only found their husbands attractive/desirable, they definitely seemed to be truly invested and - gasp - falling in love! Proof that attraction doesn't have to be instant and can develop over time!
* The younger the couple, the easier time they had changing/adjusting/integrating. The older the couple, the more clearly set in his and her way and the less likely to negotiate and give ground to the other person. The older the couple/individual, the more independent s/he wanted to stay, even after marriage.
* It is really is eye opening to how ineffective our current system for finding partners is and how very often we stand in our own way of happiness. One example was how over and again, "being right" stands in the way of "being happy" with these couples, and it isn't until they overcome that they're able to start working things out.
I have more thoughts on the matter, but it really does cement my belief that Marriage Builders system really and truly does make sense and really does work and I can see WHY. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but it definitely is for us.
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