Therapy Today

I feel like I had a difficult time understanding my therapy session today and it's taking me a long time to process it. 
I was talking about how nothing feels real to me and how sometimes I cannot tell what my real feelings are.  My therapist assured me that there was a reason I experience this.  She was also asking me what I thought was so bad about obsessing with cutting all the time if I'm not actually doing it. It was a question I had a really difficult time answering. I guess there's nothing inherently wrong with it, but I think it's wrong. It doesn't feel wrong to me, it makes me happy and relaxed. 
Maybe there's a part of me that wants it to consume me again the way it did in the past. I think I miss it.  Nothing has been the same since it was taken away from me. And it was taken away from me. I was forced to stop, I never even got to say goodbye to the only thing I had. It was my entire life, it was everything to me. Cutting/suicide was pretty much the only thing I ever thought about and suddenly nearly ever important person in my life was trying to take it away from me. And I feel like they took the power out of it. I hate that they had the ability to take the power out of the most powerful thing I've ever known or ever will know. I truly feel like I never got to say goodbye to it and I will never be able to get over it unless I go back to it one last time. It needs to be just as it was before and I can make the decision to say goodbye. I can decide that I no longer need it and no longer want it. I can be the one to decide how/when I stop.  I can know when my last cut is going to be.  
There are moments where I think I will have to end my relationship and move into my own apartment just to have the ability to live out that fantasy. But those aren't serious thoughts, more like fantasies that I will never realize. And I don't think I really want that. The way my life stands now I could never truly have the freedom to dedicate my life fully to cutting the way I did in the past. I would spend hours just picking at my cuts and caring for them. Just while listening to music or watching a television show. I had all my tools out. My main tool for the healing wounds was a pair of tweezers. I would clean the tips and then use them to carefully pull off the scabs.  It was more like pulling out the scabs. The cuts were so deep that it created a nice little valley for the scab. The scabs never lasted very long. It's a wonder that they ever healed. 
It's those kind of memories that make me think I don't ever want to get rid of self injury from my life. Today was the first day I thought I shouldn't go back to therapy since I've been with this new therapist. These are the same thoughts I have every time and I don't want to listen to them. I think it's too hard and I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish. I feel like I'm wasting her time and it's easier to just live like this. I feel like I wouldn't be happier if I stopped thinking of cutting and I should just retreat into my own world and there would be nobody around to change it. 
I know that's dangerous thinking because last time I was getting deep into cutting I completely ruined my relationship.  I was too depressed to think about anything else and I used to talk about killing myself all the time. I can't believe we stayed together for as long as we did. 
Will continue later...

Replies

tryingtobestrong5
tryingtobestrong5

I completely understand you...I miss the way I always had cutting as a form of retreat whenever things got too hard for me to handle. I want it to control me again, but I know thoughts like that are usually considered wrong, but these are the thoughts I have. I was also forced to give up cutting because like you, it does no good with my relationship. He begins to blame himself and he thinks it\'s his fault when I cut myself. So I try not to cut, but I want to so bad. My family, including cousins, and friends, and everyone who says they care for me try to keep me from cutting. They say they care for me, but they don\'t understand how much I relied on cutting and how much I want to rely on it again. I think it\'s just depression that\'s having us think this way, and I don\'t want to stop thinking this way, so I feel like I don\'t want depression to leave me. It\'s always been there, it\'s a part of me now. Please continue this entry because I would like to keep reading it if that\'s alright, good luck with the therapist.