Therapy 2nd Visit 12/18/2013
Today I have my second therapy session. I hope this helps. The Klonopin has reduced the anxiety which is much appreciated but this empty dark depression hangs on like some evil tar that covers me and won't wash off.
This chronic itch/pain is still here but less. It's just enough to aggrevate me. I know I can take an Aleve to help but I just want it to stop without having to use medicine. I wish I could go into a cocoon and come out a new butterfly.
I feel like I'm walking through some invisible jello trying to break through to another side but it just seems to go on forever. I know thats not true. I know there is an exit from this nightmare. The problem is the minutes feel like hours. Even when I'm busy the day feels like forever.
I try to look forward to something, anything but there seems to be no joy. How does one live without joy in their life? If there was just one thing that could make me feel something other then darkness. Any small escape.
I do get some very small break in the evenings. It's not much but it's better then nothing. Please God I just want to be normal! I want a simple normal life that I can enjoy. I want to look forward to simple things. I want this chronic itch/pain to just stop without having to use medicine.
I can't feel like the victim but it's hard not to. It's hard to fight a force that hides within your own mind. God I pray that I'm in the right path to getting better.
More to come later...
This chronic itch/pain is still here but less. It's just enough to aggrevate me. I know I can take an Aleve to help but I just want it to stop without having to use medicine. I wish I could go into a cocoon and come out a new butterfly.
I feel like I'm walking through some invisible jello trying to break through to another side but it just seems to go on forever. I know thats not true. I know there is an exit from this nightmare. The problem is the minutes feel like hours. Even when I'm busy the day feels like forever.
I try to look forward to something, anything but there seems to be no joy. How does one live without joy in their life? If there was just one thing that could make me feel something other then darkness. Any small escape.
I do get some very small break in the evenings. It's not much but it's better then nothing. Please God I just want to be normal! I want a simple normal life that I can enjoy. I want to look forward to simple things. I want this chronic itch/pain to just stop without having to use medicine.
I can't feel like the victim but it's hard not to. It's hard to fight a force that hides within your own mind. God I pray that I'm in the right path to getting better.
More to come later...
Replies
I so relate to what you\'re saying. I, too, long for any small escape. I hate this being isolated and marginalized in this so-called job. I so want to work with other people, to feel I belong, to be acknowledged as a contributor. As it is, no one knows or cares what I\'m doing. It triggers childhood feelings of rejection and abandonment. I am walking around, a lost child in an aging body.
Do you have a sense of whether a change in your circumstances would help your depression? Isolation is a terrible thing. I look for opportunities to connect with people during the day, but most days, there simply aren\'t any. Being an introvert, I simply don\'t have that many friends. Today I started to feel panicky and had to get out of the house. I went to a nearby wildlife refuge just to get some air and be in the outdoors.
Hang in there, friend. I hope you start to feel better real soon.