Therapist Visit One Day Early

I went to my therapist today one day early because she’s going out of town tomorrow for a few days – sunny Florida - lucky her.  It went OK but I detected something funny.  I can’t put my finger on it but something was not right.  I’m very good on picking up on things.  Either she wasn’t feeling well or something was on her mind – she just wasn’t herself completely or something.  It reminded me a little of when she first got sick and she wasn’t telling me.  Like she’s trying to hide something.  I hope not.  I asked her if I acted like I needed to go to the bathroom at the store/restaurant last week.  She said not at all.  I acted very confident.  I said it was good we did that last time and the time before.  She counted 9 more weeks until my next trip but I’m not ready to work on stuff yet. She understands  I told her about my friends, yes calling me back.  She said to approach the one that’s become distant and see if I can’t find out why.  I told her I told this friend the same thing when she was having a conflict with another friend.  I’m a great counselor to others but not myself!  She said it was almost like a high school thing.  I was concerned she was seeing her because I recommended her highly to her son.  She said she wouldn’t do that and she hasn’t asked – it would be too much overlap anyway.  She would refer her to someone else.  I told her what a relief that was for her to tell me that.  I also told her I know she’s not seeing her son anymore – he’s too busy.   I called my son who lives far away and got him.  She just laughs and says, “He’s your son!”  I did say how much I miss him but I don’t know what’s worse him being far away or here.  I told her how my cousin was negative about him and I didn’t like that.  I showed her pictures of the hockey thing at my granddaughter’s rehabilitation center and commented on things.  She recognized the area with the dedication plaque of my best friend who died.  I told her I took my son over there and told him how hard it was for me.  But I just got into the kids and the activities not to think about it.  How ironic it is that my granddaughter is at the very same place my friend’s parents chose to set up these funds at.  It’s so weird.  She asked me again if I felt like my friend was there.  I also told her, too how our cousin works there.  She thinks I should spend more time at this center and you never know what will happen.  I have a lot to give, it would be good for me and great for my little granddaughter.    I showed her pictures how she “loves on me” so much.  And she doesn’t have a lack of love.  She said I’m so special to her.  I told her how my daughter said she said it’s an attachment thing.  I said how when I was little and was in the hospital for 5 weeks it reminds me of that.  And not wanting my parents to leave.  She said she guesses I wish I had someone like me when I was little to get/give love to me like that.  Yeah.  She wonders if my granddaughter can just sense something about that.  I told her I’m just really good with kids, understand them, etc.  In thinking about it I wonder if I still carry attachment issues myself in some ways because of my experiences like this.  Something to explore some time.  I told her I’ve got a Trivia Night to go to Saturday night that I’m a little nervous about.  And lunch with my friends Sunday.  And then the ultrasound on Monday.  It’s the kind you have to drink a lot and not go to the bathroom.  I told her I cheat.  First of all they say to drink 32 oz 1 hour before.  I can do that now that I’ve been drinking more but it takes me a long time to drink it.  I go at 12:30 and I’ll have to start around 10AM.  And I keep going to the bathroom when I’m not supposed to so I feel like I have to keep drinking more.  It’s hard to time it just right and I do not want to have an accident there.    I usually go several times and I’ve also gone there – waiting.  She asked if I should do my drinking there before.  I said no because it’ll take a while.  I worry I won’t be full enough too.  She said to call and talk to her before.  I don’t want to do that.  First, I don’t want to draw attention to this and I didn’t say but what can she do?  Nothing I don’t think.  It’s usually the same girl who does it and I think she remembers me.  She does it real fast and then lets me go to the bathroom.  I told her about what my cousin out of town said about another cousin who had a tumor on her spine and being incontinent.  I don’t know if it’s all the time or not.  I told her I didn’t want to ask.  How this cousin, like others, view it negatively.  I said how she is mentally challenged and she got a sore because of it – merca?  It’s some kind of staff infection.  I was concerned and asked her if I’m incontinent.  She said no.  I have urgency and a smaller bladder but didn’t know a word for it.  Incontinent people have no control and I have control.  That was reliving!  I don’t want that label!  And, I want this to get better – not worse.  And, she said I’m not mentally challenged like I told her about that girl in the store a while back.  No!  I told her that this journaling thing is working but not fully.  It’s nice to get my feelings out but I’m not sure who’s reading it.  And, I don’t know them.  How, really the phone calls and tape recorder, now replaced by this journaling, is really meant for her because she’s the one helping me.  And, she’s not even reading it.  She said she’d be happy to read it but she can’t promise how much or often she’d be able to get to it.  She only really gets online once a week to get her mail and she doesn’t do much else – she’s not computer saavy at all.  She spends her time at home doing other things.  She asked me for the address but I hesitated because I told her I write a lot about what goes on in these sessions and about her.  I don’t know if that would be good or not.  She said for me to think about it.    I shared with her what I explored about other options.  Two times a week sessions but they don’t seem to want to allow it.  She said she’s seen partners in my husband’s company and they don’t do anything extra for them.  She did say to call and ask if they can convert some of my inpatient benefits for outpatient.  I hope I’d never need the inpatient ones and thought I never would.  I did call later and they said no.  I said my husband suggested marital counseling on his name but he’d have to be in for at least part of the sessions.  I suggested check-in phone calls a couple times a week.  I suggested me paying for the extra sessions but at a discounted rate.  Well, we ran out of time and said we’ll continue this at our next appointment.  I feel kind of hanging.  Unsolved, unresolved.  I told her I don’t know why I’m like this.  I’ve never been this way before and now with all my losses, potential losses (friend acting weird) and people in my life that just don’t care.  I feel bad about being like this.  She said this is a bad time now because she’s going out of town.  But she did say she’ll call me Monday afternoon after the ultrasound because she knows that’ll be hard for me.  That was very sweet.  See … that’s the point of all this.  That’s why I think the 2,4 or 6 minutes messages to her voice mail is ideal.  That’s the way it was and she wanted me to stop that.  But that way I don’t have to bother her.  I don’t have to talk to her directly and use her time up.  I don’t want to bother her!  That’s the thing!  But right now things are just not working comfortably right with me and I’m trying to think of other options to make it better.  I’m at a loss and hope she’ll help me with some of these options.  I don’t want to be a pain – that’s the farthest from my intentions.    When I had to go to the bathroom today she told me that someone is in getting a message and will be getting out real soon and using the bathroom.  I asked when.  She said about now.  I wonder how she knew that – she’s never told me that before.  Only once when she actually heard someone go in.  She said it’s up to me if I wanted to wait or not.  I wanted to but she could tell how anxious that made me feel when she told that to me.  So I waited just a couple more minutes saying, “I better go.”  She had told me before if someone’s in there just go down the hall.  We both remember that’s exactly what happened a few months ago and I ended up not making it and she brought me my clothes.  She thought I’d come back with my jacket around my waist but it was too bad to do that.  She smiled today and said that’s like real life if someone would be in there.  Yeah.  So I panicked a little with knowing I may not be able to get in there and went.  Well, I started wetting my pants along the way, went to the bathroom, came back and didn’t say anything.  I was wearing dark pants and didn’t think it would show with me sitting down.  I felt bad but felt like I didn’t need to tell her.  She doesn’t have to know every time I don’t make it completely.  Right?  When I left I kept my piece of paper I had in front of me because when I got out to look it was worse than I thought.  And there were workers outside.  I just walked fast to my car.  I don’t think they saw a thing.    When she told me she doesn’t get on the computer much she said she doesn’t have internet in her office.  She only uses her laptop for billing.  Well, she knows I wanted to get on YouTube at sometime to look at those throwing up videos for exposure for that fear.  So I asked if we could walk further down the street to a bigger restaurant that I know has wi-fi.  She said probably not because of some ethics thing.  But we can go next door because it’s exposure.  But so is this.  Then she said it’s real busy there and she might know someone.  I’m not sure I understand the difference.  And what ethics thing is she talking about?  She said her partner has an internet plug that maybe on a Wednesday we can try when she’s not there.  But she once tried it with her computer and it didn’t work.  I said my IPod has internet and I tried once out in the waiting room but you have to put codes in.  She said maybe from someone else in the building and I suggested maybe she’ll know who it is and we can ask.  I have it on my phone but only with free wi-fi.  So I told her I’ll bring my IPod with me next time and we’ll try.  I did tell her I went to a Volunteer Fair a few weeks ago and even sat through a 45 minute introduction, worrying.  But I was fine.  I went to this fair because I really need a paying job but you never know how you can connect even with volunteering.  But I haven’t done anything yet.   She asked me if I watched the Today show this morning.  Yes.  There was someone on there that was a hoarder.  I saw it.  She said there is an hour long special this Sunday night about it that she will tape because she won’t be home.  She told me because she knows I’m not a classic hoarder.  I have a lot of “stuff” – too much “stuff” – I buy to fill up my voids in my life.  But she’s seen pictures of my house.  I’m very neat and organized with it all.    So, I’m feeling so lonely and all alone.  I hope I can work something out with my therapist because I hate feeling like this – and it’s every day.  I’ve felt like this so long and I’m so tired of it.  I’m tired of working and waiting, over and over again, and I still feel the same.  It’s not me and I hate it!  I want to feel happy and fulfilled in my life – I really do so badly!