Their Light Still Shines
I often read your journals and they make me remember and I just have to share... Sometimes I feel selfish... like hey... that was about their feelings... but I am myself... good or bad... struggling as we all are to share my child...
I could feel even the warmth inside you might feel when you recall your girls... Like I said... the light is dimmed by sadness... but still... remembering, seeing our children in our memories, most of all loving them... they are still lights in our life.
I felt like Cara was my light... when she was 12 Cara took an overdose... I have always assumed it was more of a distress signal than an actual suicide attempt as she took I think a total of 9 pills... Of course I brought her to the hospital... I think maybe the doctor there was trying tough love... he made her drink charcoal... which might have been extreme caution or an attempt to persuade her not to do it again... anyway... I took it serious because I know that even kind of sort of feeling that stressed, angry, sad... can be lethal... I contacted the local mental health department to get counseling started, I went to the school and spoke to the guidance counselor about some issues she had been having with her class placement... they had her in advanced classes... she had asked to be moved into a regular English class because she was having a lot of problems keeping up... They had refused to move her into the regular English class saying there were no openings... Long story short... the guidance counselor called in a psychologist who did a PEC on Cara. I thought then and I think now they messed up. Cara was placed in an adolescent mental hospital... They allowed us to bring her to the hospital. I was devastated... They told us possibly it would be only for 72 hours... Bull!!! I knew when I read the fine print of all the papers they had me sign that she wouldn't get out in less than 30 days... I knew because if she was there over 30 days... the Federal Government would pay her bill. Otherwise they were dependent on us to pay... they'd set up a payment plan and we could pay like $25 a month... now what were they going to want... a whopping lump sum from dear old Uncle Sam or our piddling little $25 a month... when I read that I started crying even harder. I was right... 31 days later Cara was released. It was all about money.
When I went home without Cara... it was literally like the lights in the house were dimmer. Even to this day I can picture Cara through so many different ages and stages... see her eyes, her hair... hear her... feel her... she smelled good... and I loved her so... I do not know what it is... about our children... its like when they grow up... pieces of our heart are out of place... but when we're with them its good... and so we can feel whole almost if things are well with them... but when our child dies... there's a gaping hole... and just the dimmed light of memories and loving them help ease the pain...
I could feel even the warmth inside you might feel when you recall your girls... Like I said... the light is dimmed by sadness... but still... remembering, seeing our children in our memories, most of all loving them... they are still lights in our life.
I felt like Cara was my light... when she was 12 Cara took an overdose... I have always assumed it was more of a distress signal than an actual suicide attempt as she took I think a total of 9 pills... Of course I brought her to the hospital... I think maybe the doctor there was trying tough love... he made her drink charcoal... which might have been extreme caution or an attempt to persuade her not to do it again... anyway... I took it serious because I know that even kind of sort of feeling that stressed, angry, sad... can be lethal... I contacted the local mental health department to get counseling started, I went to the school and spoke to the guidance counselor about some issues she had been having with her class placement... they had her in advanced classes... she had asked to be moved into a regular English class because she was having a lot of problems keeping up... They had refused to move her into the regular English class saying there were no openings... Long story short... the guidance counselor called in a psychologist who did a PEC on Cara. I thought then and I think now they messed up. Cara was placed in an adolescent mental hospital... They allowed us to bring her to the hospital. I was devastated... They told us possibly it would be only for 72 hours... Bull!!! I knew when I read the fine print of all the papers they had me sign that she wouldn't get out in less than 30 days... I knew because if she was there over 30 days... the Federal Government would pay her bill. Otherwise they were dependent on us to pay... they'd set up a payment plan and we could pay like $25 a month... now what were they going to want... a whopping lump sum from dear old Uncle Sam or our piddling little $25 a month... when I read that I started crying even harder. I was right... 31 days later Cara was released. It was all about money.
When I went home without Cara... it was literally like the lights in the house were dimmer. Even to this day I can picture Cara through so many different ages and stages... see her eyes, her hair... hear her... feel her... she smelled good... and I loved her so... I do not know what it is... about our children... its like when they grow up... pieces of our heart are out of place... but when we're with them its good... and so we can feel whole almost if things are well with them... but when our child dies... there's a gaping hole... and just the dimmed light of memories and loving them help ease the pain...
Replies
We\'ve suffered the worst loss possible. Our lives are forever changed. Loving them, raising them, many moments of joy and fear. The world is a dangerous place and we can only hope that we helped prepare them for their journey. I didn\'t understand my Jacob, but loved him so completely. Some days, your memories will sit easier on your heart. Till then, keep writing. Love, Abby
Your description of a hole in the heart is so very accurate of the constant feeling of yearning to be with our child again. Sometimes I feel like there is a huge hole in the middle of me that is just pouring out my energy like a wound spews blood.
I remember the day of Jason\'s memorial someone said to me that in time I will feel better. I remember thinking I wish that time had already passed because I could not stand the feeling, it is horrible beyond words. I remember thinking I wish it were next year or five or ten years cause I couldn\'t stand it. But here it is 4 years and every now and then I\'m still right there bleeding out my life force yearning to see him again, to hear his voice, to laugh with him, to give him a hug. Time teaches us to cope, nothing heals the pain.
It is never selfish to want to have our child remembered. They were and we need to keep our string of love firmly attached to them. Love Lauri
It is so true, Elissa. I keep thinking back to the times when Colleen laughed out loud at the simplest things..........her big smiles that lit up her beautiful face....... the times when she suddenly started crying, sobbing, and I never understood why.
Yes, I often wish that I could go back in time and do some things differently. People say that we must go on with life, move foreward and forget the past. But, our precious children and a part of our hearts ARE the past, and that reality will stay with us for as long as we live!!
Warm hugs to you, my dear friend. xxx
It is amazing how simple it would be for others to mention their names. The joy of remembering them seems so easy for me, why can\'t others just do it? I truly think that if it was the other way around, I would say their children\'s name. Peace, Kathy
Elissa, this is beautifully and heartfully written. I felt as though I walked by your side, and in some ways perhaps most of us have. The power of money is incredibly overwhelming. I try so hard not to be bitter about such things as what we do to ourselves in our bitterness is not healthy either. As I have said before, the memories keep us going, especially the good ones. Thank you for sharing more of Cara with me/us. Sending love, Leda
I\'m so sorry for the pain Cara, and you, dealt with at such an early age. And I\'d say you were right about the money....sad, but true.
A gaping hole for sure!!
Tight heart hugs my friend~~
Elissa, I understand..gentle hugs and much love to you and dearest Cara, Linda
I hear you. The memories are what we have and it is not enough.
I have to say, I have very little respect for the health care system, especially when it comes to mental health. I can relate a lot to your journal.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Gentle care and I hear you on SO many levels dear Elissa. Our children are so very deeply loved and sorely missed and I often wonder if they could even fathom for nano of a second how it feels for each of us as their parents to not have them earth side??? It is something that no parent should ever have to learn how to carry, yet somehow here we are and that is what we are learning to do moment by moment and day by day. Deepest of sighs...
What a wonderful daughter Cara is and I know she felt the depth of your love and ongoing concern for her health and well-being. This is often something that I ponder and hope Douglas understands now in ways he could not before.
Loving care and continued healing for each of us,
XO Joanie
Oh Elissa, I share a lot of your feelings/thoughts. i wasn\'t going to turn on my computer today but , alas, I did. I have been so deeply depressed lately and coming up on the 5 th year without My Baby Girl here. My heart /mind/soul LITERALLY ache to be with her more and more each hour of each day. RE: the Medical system. I\'ve lost all respect also and so remember that horrific morning and going into shock and ending up in a psych ward for 2 days and being heavily sedated, thinking months later how awful the patients were treated(even myself) until a nurse looked into my records and came into my room and started hugging me and saying \"I\'m so sorry for your loss\" but when the other workers there thought I was just another \"nutcase\" I was treated pretty lousy as I watched all the zombie like (drugged upped) patients standing on a long line to get more \"drugged up\"! . ((((((((Elissa))))))))))) ((((((Cara)))))))))) ((((((((((((( \"all of our \" Kids\"))))))))))))))) deepest of sighs...