The Year of the Seconds
When they say the year of the seconds can be just as painful as the firsts, for some it is true. It is for me, anyway. I was doing so well. Skating along, sleeping in on the weekend, enjoying every day, taking care of my home, etc. Then little by little, it starts to be taken away from me, and again, I feel bad every single day.
We've discussed anti-depressants, but I don't feel there is a need to take them. However, if my counselor feels otherwise down the road, I'm not opposed. I guess I expect too much out of myself for a 54 year old woman. I should have it together, I should be very confident and comfortable living on my own. I can't say that I'm not, nor can I say that I am. It depends on that particular moment when you ask me. All I know at present is that I can't give up, nor give in. I have a lovely home and could not be in a better place. Sometimes I feel that I'm not cut out to live alone, but what choice do I have? I could sell, which would break my heart. Then I would have a huge bank account, live with a relative or friend, and most likely feel worse than what I do right now. Living with someone else could only be temporary, and is not an answer to the problem at hand. The problem is, I've never done this. My husband died, and he isn't coming back. I'm impatient. I want to feel good now, I want to attain the goals I have set for myself. But, I can't. I have limitations and I acknowledge those limitations. For whatever reason, non-existent issues with the house attach themselves to the depression that comes with the grief.
I read a good passage in my daily devotional this morning. Basically, I have been controlling every aspect of my life, where I should have been giving it to God and letting him have the wheel for awhile. I find more peace letting him lead the way. After reading Psalm 139, it is obvious to me that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart, and every aspect of my being. All I can do is tell him what I desire, and let him do the rest. It gives me strength to forge ahead, or at least, calms the anxiety and hurt within me.
I focus on my daily routine, my little cat, my bus trip business, and the other hobbies I am involved in. I've come too far to give up, or give in. It can only go up from here, but anyone's guess when that will happen. I guess constantly evaluating yourself isn't helpful either.
Maybe this makes sense, and maybe it doesn't. But I needed to vent and get out what is eating me up. Thanks for listening.
We've discussed anti-depressants, but I don't feel there is a need to take them. However, if my counselor feels otherwise down the road, I'm not opposed. I guess I expect too much out of myself for a 54 year old woman. I should have it together, I should be very confident and comfortable living on my own. I can't say that I'm not, nor can I say that I am. It depends on that particular moment when you ask me. All I know at present is that I can't give up, nor give in. I have a lovely home and could not be in a better place. Sometimes I feel that I'm not cut out to live alone, but what choice do I have? I could sell, which would break my heart. Then I would have a huge bank account, live with a relative or friend, and most likely feel worse than what I do right now. Living with someone else could only be temporary, and is not an answer to the problem at hand. The problem is, I've never done this. My husband died, and he isn't coming back. I'm impatient. I want to feel good now, I want to attain the goals I have set for myself. But, I can't. I have limitations and I acknowledge those limitations. For whatever reason, non-existent issues with the house attach themselves to the depression that comes with the grief.
I read a good passage in my daily devotional this morning. Basically, I have been controlling every aspect of my life, where I should have been giving it to God and letting him have the wheel for awhile. I find more peace letting him lead the way. After reading Psalm 139, it is obvious to me that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart, and every aspect of my being. All I can do is tell him what I desire, and let him do the rest. It gives me strength to forge ahead, or at least, calms the anxiety and hurt within me.
I focus on my daily routine, my little cat, my bus trip business, and the other hobbies I am involved in. I've come too far to give up, or give in. It can only go up from here, but anyone's guess when that will happen. I guess constantly evaluating yourself isn't helpful either.
Maybe this makes sense, and maybe it doesn't. But I needed to vent and get out what is eating me up. Thanks for listening.
Replies
You wrote: \"when asked - how are you..............I guess it depends on that particular moment when you ask me.\" Boy does that sound familiar! Me too! Good one moment..........................bad the next. Arrgh.
Debbie, I have found that things go so much better when I fully surrender my will & my life to God! I\'m going thru tough times.. just had hand & wrist surgery...God has proven to me that He will take care of me. He has provided family & friends, Not sure about next week when I have to dive myself back to Ca... all alone, but, I pray I will continue to trust Him completely. it is hard to do.....
sending you hugs from Az... Linda
Yes Linda, it is. I have a book written by Sarah Edwards, entitled \"Jesus Calling\". A bible study friend gave it to me. God had her send it, I just know it. It is hard to trust him completely, but the soul is so much more peaceful when I do. I tell him what I love and what I don\'t, what I fear. One fear is that he will instill in me the decision to move, and I don\'t know why. I don\'t have financial troubles, I am in a good place, and I love my home. It would break my heart. One thing I ask for is to be comfortable and at peace in my home again. The major issue with that is that Dick is not there now, and it\'s just me and the cat. God has blessed me with friends and my family, and I must go on. I really do not believe God would have me sell my home and move in with someone, just so I would not be alone. It doesn\'t work that way. Instead, I believe God is teaching me to rely on myself, be my own best friend, and rediscover who I am again. It\'s hard, but I am so proud of myself when I do it. Blessings, Debbie
too much self evaluating is always stressful. it seems, at least to me, that you somehow have some need to prove to yourself that you are strong and independent but when the lonliness creeps in, it falls in on you.The loss of a husband runs so very deep, and its pain cannot be neatly placed in our lives, it has its own life.
Sorry Deb, it seems the pain just won\'t stay away. I still go through my down times, but there are fewer of them and not day after day. I had a lot of problems with myself on the second year. I think the numbness is gone and reality sets in that this is not a bad dream. Feel free to vent. I\'m listening and understand. Sharon
It is so correct that the second year is harder. I\'m not ashamed to admit that I returned to my wonderful counselor, whom I love and now consider a dear friend. The first appointment, when I tell her what is going on, I have an anniversary approaching, plus the two year anniversary of my husband\'s passing, and she also tells me the second year can be hard and trying.
And, my husband was always the protector. He always wanted me to be safe, and I always heard how \"oh, you can\'t do that\", or \"I\'ll take care of that, you don\'t know how\". It was false words, for he did know I was perfectly capable of doing a lot of things, but as his role as my loving husband and protector, he wanted to do it. So, that, coupled with him saying that if something happened to him, he didn\'t want me living alone, is an issue I am overcoming. I have always known what I am capable of, and I am perfectly capable of living on my own. We all have to deal with the feelings of loneliness, and I hope that also evens out too with time.
Debbie, people tell me not to borrow trouble. But like you, it\'s so hard not to think of all the things that may come up and worry that we won\'t know how to deal with them.
I live on a farm with cattle. I can\'t do the tractor work and am not nearly as strong as I once was. I\'m now dependent on my sons and family to do that stuff. I fought with myself over and over - should I move? I looked at houses to rent, to buy. BUT FINALLY, my daughter in law - who was living with me at the time - said - if you move, you are going to come apart totally. You are not ready to make that step. A voice of reason - finally.
I know some day, I\'ll move but not today. I now live alone, and I\'m doing it just fine. Don\'t worry about leaving your home. Some day it may happen but til then, enjoy where you are. I know people think I\'m nuts but who cares. Not me. I think when the time is right for you, you\'ll know it too.
As for meds, I am taking Lexapro again for panic attacks. Have realized that I have no choice any more. BUT I also started AGAIN - taking Melatonin. I think it\'s helping me so much more than the Lexapro. It takes a couple of weeks to work but I feel different, not so tense, just more at ease with myself. It\'s OTC.
My husband was the care taker too. He worried constantly about me, the kids, you name it. He was in charge of most things mostly because he saw accidents that might happen and did everything in his power to stop them. So now, it\'s all up to the rest of us to step up and do it. And we can.
The Lord will direct you. Just your journal entry is enough that says so much. You have given it to Him to direct you.
Take care,
Kathy