The Year of the Seconds

When they say the year of the seconds can be just as painful as the firsts, for some it is true.  It is for me, anyway.  I was doing so well.  Skating along, sleeping in on the weekend, enjoying every day, taking care of my home, etc.  Then little by little, it starts to be taken away from me, and again, I feel bad every single day.
We've discussed anti-depressants, but I don't feel there is a need to take them.  However, if my counselor feels otherwise down the road, I'm not opposed.  I guess I expect too much out of myself for a 54 year old woman.  I should have it together, I should be very confident and comfortable living on my own.  I can't say that I'm not, nor can I say that I am.  It depends on that particular moment when you ask me.  All I know at present is that I can't give up, nor give in.  I have a lovely home and could not be in a better place.  Sometimes I feel that I'm not cut out to live alone, but what choice do I have?  I could sell, which would break my heart.  Then I would have a huge bank account, live with a relative or friend, and most likely feel worse than what I do right now.  Living with someone else could only be temporary, and is not an answer to the problem at hand.  The problem is, I've never done this.  My husband died, and he isn't coming back.  I'm impatient.  I want to feel good now, I want to attain the goals I have set for myself.  But, I can't.  I have limitations and I acknowledge those limitations.  For whatever reason, non-existent issues with the house attach themselves to the depression that comes with the grief.
I read a good passage in my daily devotional this morning.  Basically, I have been controlling every aspect of my life, where I should have been giving it to God and letting him have the wheel for awhile.  I find more peace letting him lead the way.  After reading Psalm 139, it is obvious to me that God knows me better than I know myself.  He knows my heart, and every aspect of my being.  All I can do is tell him what I desire, and let him do the rest.  It gives me strength to forge ahead, or at least, calms the anxiety and hurt within me.
I focus on my daily routine, my little cat, my bus trip business, and the other hobbies I am involved in.  I've come too far to give up, or give in.  It can only go up from here, but anyone's guess when that will happen.  I guess constantly evaluating yourself isn't helpful either.
Maybe this makes sense, and maybe it doesn't.  But I needed to vent and get out what is eating me up.  Thanks for listening.