The Year Anniversary is Approaching
The anniversary of my husband's passing is Saturday, May 22. It will be a day of remembrance, tears, sadness, happiness, all those emotions rolled into one. I hope it is a warm, sunny, breezy day for I have planned a graveside memorial at 1 p.m. The announcements have been sent out (50 total) to family and dear friends. My minister will officiate with a program and there will be an opportunity for those to speak that could not at the funeral last year.
He is still my husband and still has my heart. I am in love with this man, a unique creature of God. The mold was broken when God created this man. A man of honor, dignity, respect, unconditional love. devotion, caring, funny, privately playful and romantic. We were a union for 38 years of our life and never expected at the time that cancer would part us. I know he cries in heaven for me, as I cry on earth for him. My DH is patiently waiting for the day when he can come running with open arms to claim me once again, as I will patiently wait for that day also.
I have come a long way in 11 months. From having the ground ripped from under me, a 5-day stay in the hospital for mental exhaustion and total breakdown, to someone who is loving her life, home, work, family and friends her way. My man is walking by my side every day, along with God. They will make sure that I am safe, secure, peaceful and busy.
I took an article from Dear Abby in the newspaper, written by a woman regarding her single life. She was married at one time, in another relationship that didn't work out, and has been unattached for the last five years. I can relate to some of the context and would like to share it with you.
"I'm free to come and go as I please without the burden of anyone else's expectations. And, if I'm feeling social, I can get together with a male or female friend and go out and have a good time.
Please reassure your single readers that it's OK to be single, and not to allow their well-meaning friends, family or society to try to convince them they "need" to be in a relationship.
If they're happily single, as am I, they can remain that way and life will be just fine if they let it be. For me, it's the only way to be."
If I am sad, it is because I miss my husband. If I am feeling lonely, it is because my husband has gone to a better place and is not physically here to share life's events with me. If I am feeling anxious or scared, it is because I don't want to be lectured or coerced into someone else's idea of what I should be doing, or I am fearful of falling back into the black abyss and having to crawl my way up again.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I can sit back and close my eyes, absorbing the warmth and joy of knowing my DH is still here spiritually. I can enjoy the day even though I love and miss him. I am regaining my inner strength and confidence, knowing that my life is OK the way it is. We didn't choose it, but we can make the best of it. Our way, not someone else's way.
What would be and still is as far as I am concerned, is our 32nd anniversary in July. I have ordered an anniversary band to wear on my left hand, and with pride. I am still his wife as he is still my husband. I am proud to have his last name, and even prouder for it to be known that I am his wife and widow.
Debbie
He is still my husband and still has my heart. I am in love with this man, a unique creature of God. The mold was broken when God created this man. A man of honor, dignity, respect, unconditional love. devotion, caring, funny, privately playful and romantic. We were a union for 38 years of our life and never expected at the time that cancer would part us. I know he cries in heaven for me, as I cry on earth for him. My DH is patiently waiting for the day when he can come running with open arms to claim me once again, as I will patiently wait for that day also.
I have come a long way in 11 months. From having the ground ripped from under me, a 5-day stay in the hospital for mental exhaustion and total breakdown, to someone who is loving her life, home, work, family and friends her way. My man is walking by my side every day, along with God. They will make sure that I am safe, secure, peaceful and busy.
I took an article from Dear Abby in the newspaper, written by a woman regarding her single life. She was married at one time, in another relationship that didn't work out, and has been unattached for the last five years. I can relate to some of the context and would like to share it with you.
"I'm free to come and go as I please without the burden of anyone else's expectations. And, if I'm feeling social, I can get together with a male or female friend and go out and have a good time.
Please reassure your single readers that it's OK to be single, and not to allow their well-meaning friends, family or society to try to convince them they "need" to be in a relationship.
If they're happily single, as am I, they can remain that way and life will be just fine if they let it be. For me, it's the only way to be."
If I am sad, it is because I miss my husband. If I am feeling lonely, it is because my husband has gone to a better place and is not physically here to share life's events with me. If I am feeling anxious or scared, it is because I don't want to be lectured or coerced into someone else's idea of what I should be doing, or I am fearful of falling back into the black abyss and having to crawl my way up again.
I guess what I am getting at here is that I can sit back and close my eyes, absorbing the warmth and joy of knowing my DH is still here spiritually. I can enjoy the day even though I love and miss him. I am regaining my inner strength and confidence, knowing that my life is OK the way it is. We didn't choose it, but we can make the best of it. Our way, not someone else's way.
What would be and still is as far as I am concerned, is our 32nd anniversary in July. I have ordered an anniversary band to wear on my left hand, and with pride. I am still his wife as he is still my husband. I am proud to have his last name, and even prouder for it to be known that I am his wife and widow.
Debbie
Replies
Debbie - I am only at 8 months; but you could have been writing for me. You describe exactly as I feel. I will be my beloved\'s wife until we meet again. I pray each and every day that he pray for me and the kids and watch over us. Thanks for expressing how I feel. I am going to say a little prayer that May 22nd is a beautiful day and a large prayer that God be with you that day. Regards, Jude
Dear Jude--
Thank you. And there are so many \"well-meaning\" people that believe our feelings will change as time passes. I don\'t think about it and I don\'t think so. It really gets on my last nerve where I want to lash out when someone gives me the lip service that eventually I will meet someone else or it is a silent expectation. I don\'t want to, and I certainly don\'t need to. Do I want to meet someone? Absolutely. I want to meet my husband again. \"He\" is the person I want to be with, \"he\" is the person I want to share life with, and \"he\" is the person I want to share my bed with. Am I grieving? No. I don\'t call this grieving at all. I call this loving the person you lost, and there is nothing wrong with that. But, we are made to feel that way. This is a sick world we are in now and not getting any better.
Jude, your husband is watching over you. Trust me, he is. Someone asked me if I saw my husband what would I want him to say. I said anything except tell me what he wanted me to do now. I am doing what I want. I would want him to tell me that he misses me too, that his heart aches to be here instead of up there, and that he wants me with him now like I want him with me. Is this grieving? No, not in my book.
Debbie
I loved reading your entry - it\'s what I\'m working toward and where I would like to be come next January/February.
All the best to you for a beautiful day, inside and out.
Hugs, Gail
l love this Debbie,its like an affirmation for the rest of your life,knowing that you are feeling this way will get you through everything,good or bad.l also feel as though my husband is around,and helping me cope as best l can,well l ask him everynight,so he better be listening to me.l know he is just waiting,and l will not let this comfort go.
take care
Alice
Thank you both, Gail and Alice, for your lovely words. It is my feelings and what I know inside. They are strong feelings of a bond of love that cannot be broken. Feelings that I cannot describe, nor are they feelings for anyone on this earth to contest. There is no way to describe how I know my husband is here with me every day 24/7. I just know and would argue the point until the opposer lost or got tired of arguing with me. I kiss his picture every morning, tell him how much I love him, and smile because I know he is here. There was no nonsense when it came to stuff like that with my husband. He meant what he said and that was that. I didn\'t have to work toward feeling like this, for it came naturally. My fear was forgetting my DH and not feeling anything for him anymore. To the contrary, that\'s for sure.
Thanks for writing to me - Debbie
You wouldn\'t have to argue with ME. I feel Craig\'s presence all the time, sometimes very strongly when I\'m somewhere he would enjoy (like at the casino or at the garden center).
My fear is also forgetting him, moving on past, having him become just one more set of memories that fades in with all my others (\"is he the one who liked green?\"). There\'s comfort in hearing from others that this doesn\'t happen and in fact your love and bonds grow stronger if anything.
Hugs, Gail
I told my counselor that mine is a bond that can\'t be broken. I\'m not grieving either. It is there, every day, along with his presence, there, every day. Hard to describe to anyone but me for I am the one feeling it. My mother loved my father more than the day he passed, two years later. I have an aunt who loves her husband with all her heart, and he has been gone maybe 7 years now? I am also glad to hear that the feelings don\'t fade with time, that they do become stronger.
I LOVE this journal, Debbie. You\'ve put into words what I feel, yet sometimes struggle to express. Joe and I loved, and compromised, and shaped each other for 24 years. That bond is as strong now as it ever was. Yes, in the past 22 months I\'ve changed, but I\'m still me. And Joe\'s been with me every step of the way. Hugs, Marsha
We all change Marsha because we have to, not because we want to. We\'re not a couple anymore. We have been left to fend for ourself, find our way, and form new friendships that are outside the married circle.
What nauseates me and I mean physically nauseate, is when others tell you that in \"time\" you will feel different or you will change your mind. I would be just as happy if I didn\'t have to entertain the thoughts of acquiring another partner. It has been put in front of my face since two weeks after my DH passed.
In 11 months my feelings have not changed. I am still me, but a sad me because I lost him. I have formed a new life, with a cat, single friends, home parties, etc. But that has not changed the way I feel about Dick. If anything, those feelings have grown stronger. I know Dick is always here for I can feel his presence. Can\'t explain it, but I feel it. It\'s all enough to carry me a lifetime.
I am proud to call you friend. You have come a long way in a short time. I hope you continue to find your strength and inner peace the way you have done so far. You are an inspiration to those who know you. The pain will not go away. It will subside, after a time. It\'s been over 10 years since my dear son left this earth. I don\'t cry so much any more. My heart is still sad though. It also makes me sad when I see how it has affected my daughter and my younger son. I know he was in huge pain. I wish he had reached out for help. Depression is not much fun to deal with on a day to day, however, the aftermath from suicide is felt for a very long time. I do wish you well, in all things, my friend. Hugs .. Hurt
Dear Justhurt: People who contemplate and follow through with suicide have no idea the pain they will inflict on those that loved them. I can relate to the suicide victim, for I have been so depressed at one time that I contemplated it, just to have the pain dissapear. When you are in that state, you really don\'t care about anything. You truly believe that the world will be fine without you.
I appreciate your comments regarding my posts and calling me your friend. I try to help others through my experiences. If I touch just one person, I feel good.
My husband was a one in a million. I was driving to work this morning, remembering how he use to play his 50\'s music and be so proud to sing to me. He had a wonderful voice and had a band in high school. It made me sad and smile at the same time, knowing that is another thiing I have lost. Our 32nd anniversary is coming up in July, and I have ordered a white gold anniversary ring. It will replace my engagement ring on my left hand, but will accompany my wedding ring.
I am sorry that your son took his life. Did he leave a family behind?
Love, jerseydebbie
I\'m happy to call you friend, also. You have gone through so much, and you have come out the other side a champion. I tip my hat to you. Thankfully, my son was only 19, and did not have a family. He left behind his mom (my ex), his younger sister and younger brother. We have all had such difficulty in dealing with the pain of losing such a wonderful young man.
Justhurt: I\'m glad you clarified the depression, for I really thought it was solely due to losing your son. My sister lost her youngest child this past August at age 37. Overall, in 2009, I lost my precious husband, my nephew and my sister-in-law (more a sister to me). Father Time can take 2009 and shove it where the sun don\'t shine.