The year 2023

A New Year!!

Another new Year has come, as I see it things are not getting any better health wise. The same goes with my family. As I gather going on 13 days into the New Year it is starting to feel the same as it started in 2022. This is what has transpired so far.

My experience this past weekend. Ever since the starting of the holidays. My mind in a state of turmoil, losing my car due to an accident. Only later having injuries suddenly creep up, Blurry vision in my left eye, issues with my neck causing me pain with a degenerative spine being aggravated and I am feeling more pain. Then wasn't invited to any family holiday dinners, nor a happy birthday as things just keep getting worse. I spent Christmas in Maryland hoping to be in good company. Only to have turkey wings. She offered me to move in but kept her house cold that reminded me when my wife would have the heat off in the middle of winter. Even though Arby's was in the area but it's about 30 mins each way and the other problem is that they wouldn't be able to pay my wage and if I did that I would probably lose everything that I worked for. But I will be making more than their shift managers. So I had to turn her down, as for my depression it is getting worse every minute. But there's some happy news sort of, my daughter had her baby 4 weeks premature on the 4th of January, also hearing that my daughter is having issues with her kidney and liver. That information was from my wife, she told me that I will be kept in the loop, but that was last Wednesday, haven't heard anything since. I have been texting her every day. when I try to call her it immediately goes to voice mail making me believe that she has blocked me. my emotions in my head were walking down a dangerous path again but this past weekend I met a lady that lives Rehoboth Beach Del. as she rented out a room in Cape May as we spent the night with each other, having my first lesbian affair along with some chemicals to enhance the evening that made me feel really good for the next several days, as I need something to relieve me from my depression. Even though I know that they are still there when I come off this high but I needed it so badly. I hope that I will continue to see her and maybe it can become my partner but of course I am not going to get my hopes up too much only to have them collapse. I hope and pray that that my dream will come true in having someone like her that will love me for who I am.

But as time continues I still haven't heard from my wife about my grandson or Gabby no less. I just hope that everyone is alright. I have tried to call but at the first ring I get her voice mail and nothing from Gabby, I am worried. I don't think no will tell me anything but I will keep trying.

I have been keeping myself away from DJ because his interests is nothing but sex and I just want me and to me that is not a relationship. I just keep telling him that I am still emotional unstable which is the truth I still am and I don't need to have his drama adding on to my problems.

Once in awhile I will think about the past and in finding ways for a better solution to make myself better but I am not having any luck with it.

As for my career in modeling I have managed to get my 4k down to 1900 I have been using my credit cards but the higher I use them the monthly payments are creeping up which is expected. Even though I have 1200 in my savings I am still be cautious not to pay it off completely. For reasons being that at work my hours have been cut and the prior years since I have been out of work due to me being laid up from the hospital my weekly benefits ain't worth mentioning. I can't make over $199 a week and so far I am not down to that point in time but since the insurance went up another $25 to 357 every two weeks I am getting a shitty pay check. I have been checking around to see if anyone carries Trans- Healthcare but with no luck and I can't drop the insurance that I have or else I will be without any. I guess Temple has given up on as I just called them to find out if they made any progress but apparently they are at a road block due to the insurance. I have not heard anything from the so called American family clearing house and their scam trying to get more money from me which was a big mistake and the same with Dush and another one that wants to help me which is bull crap and I am not going to do this again this year. All bunch of liars and I am not going to do it anymore as I can't find anyone to help retrieve the money I poured into it over 5k I could have used it for something else and not towards their pockets. I guess it’s a lesson learned but I am not going to fall for it again. A person claiming to work for 7 years with a company and tells me that they never ran into such problems, that is a lie in its self. A person would be knowledgeable in their line of work. I am no longer going to be used by people ever again. 

I have finally received a message from Merle only two messages saying that Gabby is home from the hospital and that the baby is still in NICU. That was the extent of the conversation.

I also did a preliminary report on how much I am getting back in my taxes which is roughly 1400 which will pay definitely pay off my portfolio and I will all set for my next step in modeling. I am so looking forward in doing this!! Maybe this will help me a little more with my depression. When I sit down or even stop for a breather I think about all the accomplishments I have made in the past 3 years. I feel that I have done a lot during this time than I ever did in my whole entire life. But the emptiness in my heart meaning my family can never be filled without them and I feel that they will never come around. In long run I am still pleased with the outcome. I can also say that I have had my first Lesbian experience. But thinking that I will never see her again. As January progresses I screwed up by not changing my dependents now I owe the IRS money but the funny thing is that they owe me that I haven't received my return for that year. But there is some hope that I have even though we are still legally married I hope she will consider it. It will save me from paying them. Tomorrow I have to see pain management as I am going to find out what they have to say. I hope it's good news as I can surely use some. So when is all this drama going to end, with depression and loosing my last daughter in talking to me which only leaves merle and I don't know anything anymore.

It gets depressing when I think about them which is pretty much everyday and I end up crying. But I keep trying to tell myself that is it really worth listening to there drama, knowing that the attention is being drawn away from me which was a great relief for me and again I wouldn't see how much attention merle gives to Annette like she is married to her not me.

Here I am laying on the sofa bed listening to some music just a little mixture of Pop and country thinking or trying to think what I will be doing now if I was still living up there as Daniel. As I figure out, thinking about what would have transpired if I was still up there. This is what I think would have happened even though it would be  depressing or maybe the end of my life. I would probably be blind and or definitely would be disabled due to a heart attack as someone would ignore the warning signs but it wouldn't be from me but from merle ignoring my request to set up doctor's appointments like she did when I had two hernia's and I was losing my eyesight. Many times I would say to myself why would she ignore my needs as I tried my best to  attend to hers. we are supposed to care for one another but I always felt left out.

The day that I left it was heart breaking manner and I mean a heart breaking manner that I cried for days. People around me know that I still lover her with all my heart even my kids. I would get flash backs remembering my daughter Gabby coming into my work place yelling and screaming at me demanding me to hand over the phone I had and if it wasn't for Noah stepping in helping me out I would have lost the phone. People that I was working with thought I was making thing up until that day when they saw first hand what I would go through telling me how sorry they were. Even now as I am writing this I am crying wondering if there was anything different that I could have done. When I mention that statement to other's they tell me that they have set their ways in life and there's nothing that anyone can do about it. As I ask myself should I keep hoping or should I just write it off as a complete loss that I will never see or talk to any of my kids again. So what am I looking at here pertaining to my family, from what I see and feel my kids don't want to be bother with me and the reason why merle talks to and won't divorce me is for the medical insurance only but doesn't care about Danielle only Daniel. I keep telling her that I am the same person as she met back in 84 but the only thing I have done was to change my outside appearance, as she will tell me that she isn't a lesbian even though I wouldn't have sex with her," even though I haven't touched her in a long time when I was with her" I didn't want to be accused of anything. Funny thing is that they tell me that they are not transphobic but what would you call it?? I will say that I am happy being Danielle, feeling uplifted when people call miss or mam as it gives me a sense of happiness. As for Katie I haven't heard from her in awhile as I am wondering if she changed her mind about me and decided to go straight with the rest of her life or maybe I scared her off but I feel that I moved a step forward in this matter. I keep telling myself that I must keep looking and maybe someday that I will meet someone that will be special to me. I JUST DON'T KNOW AS I THOUGHT I FOUND THAT SPECIAL SOMONE IN MY LIFE BUT AS WITH EVERYTHING ELSE DOES COMES WITH CHANGES, I WISHED THAT PART OF MY LIFE IT WOULDN'T CHANGE WHICH I FOUND OUT THAT PART IS NOT EXEMPT!!