The Worst Day of my Life

Well, it finally came.  I don't know why I thought I would somehow escape the agony I'd read about and only have some cramping, like a bad period or something.  But, I was blessed that the worst of it came at a time when we could be home and all together.  Friday afternoon the contractions started..mild at first.  Then harder and harder.  Finally I passed the gestational sac...torn and empty, which sent me into paroxysms of hysteria!  I had begged God to help me find my baby, whole, intact, pure and clean in his little sac.  I felt completely abandoned and devastated.  I took it as a sign we would never find the baby.  I had NO confidence in my ability to find him once he was out of the sac.
I reached out to Donna from Heaven's Gain and unloaded my hysteria on her.  She offered gentle reassurance and asked a few questions.  I had already been saving every single thing that passed out of me, since I was desperate to recover our baby's remains.  I had put the gestational sac and some material that came out right before and right after into a separate jar.  Donna redirected me to the jar and suggested I gently pour fresh water over the contents and kind of change out the water a bit. 
As soon as I did it, I saw him!!!  There was our baby!  The first thing I saw was his PROFILE...a beautiful face, sleeping, with a little turned up nose!  He looked like a miniature of his sisters.  I saw the eye buds (little dark spots) and followed down to his neck, and chest.  His skin was transparent, so I saw his little chest and then under the rib cage area (bones did not seem to be strong or well formed) I could see his internal organs...and his spine.  (He was laying on his left side.)  Sadly I could also see that I had accidentally ripped off his legs while trying to dig around in the jar to find him.  His legs (with little feet attached) were right next to him.  So heartbreaking to see that, but I was so grateful to have his little body that I wasn't going to beat myself up about it.  Besides, he is already in Heaven...this is just his vessel.  He was perfectly formed...from the tip of his head to his tiny little fingers and toes.  How I will treasure that experience. 
Donna told us to change out his water every 4 hours or so, to help slow the decay of his body.  I could not do this, as I saw how fragile he was...so my sweet husband took on the task.  He called it "giving Matthew a bath" and he would go lift him out of the jar and gently rinse him off.  The whole time he would talk to him...talk about all the hopes and dreams he had for him...and about his family here and how much we miss the chance to watch him grow up...and how much we love him and always will...and how we know he is watching down on us from Heaven and interceding for us.  He would then let me know how our little boy's body was holding up to the bathing and I was so very grateful to him for doing this emotionally jarring act of love and dedication.
We are so incredibly blessed...out of all my friends who have miscarried, only the ones who had D&C's got to bring their babies home...and even then, it was only the ones who knew they could ask for their babies' bodies!  How blessed we are!!  Matthew was incredibly beautiful, tiny, fragile and perfect!!!  I have never seen anything like him and I will always remember his sweet little sleeping figure.