the week in review
Back to work after spring break and 10 days off! (i think i would enjoy working part time---lotto????) anyway it was interesting to say the least. busy with life in general: Helped younger son move into his own apartment, helped my mother (she broke her hip) Easter Sunday cooking and family gathering, had my puppy spayed, tried to do spring cleaning inside and outside. AND i enjoyed this week.
I was able to let crazy parental and sister issues roll off my back, too many years of unrealistic expectations are effectively being dealt with by me. what a relief!!!! my parents will never change and my sisters were raised by them as well so even though their damage might be different than mine it is still real so i can be patient and understanding. But still keep boundaries in place.
here's the interesting part: since AH relapsed, and i told him he could stay but to consider us separated. i have been fixing up my son's bedroom FOR ME. my attitude towards him remains civil and i am detached from all his decision making. i have made it quite clear that i love him but at this point I HAVE HAD ENOUGH and i can no longer allow myself to be emotionally invested. he has been attending AA twice a week, joined a support group with his therapist and is meeting privately with his therapist once a week. it seems odd, but i find i don't ask, remind, cajole, or work any of my life around him. i needed to spend a day with my parents and found myself (for about 2 minutes) worrying about not being there to "supervise"--that was an eye opener to be able to explore that feeling in a detached way, and then move on. i wish i could describe the feeling, not good or bad just what it is. and it feels "grown-up" somehow. independent, no longer at fault for someone else's shit. not very invested in the outcome.
now, i have been criticized by some for letting him stay in our home. but i will not struggle financially any more than i have to at this stage of my life. i have worked hard, along side of AH for this fiscal stability, and to legally split is too costly on several levels. now i am free to participate in activities i choose, have decent retirement package, and reward myself when i achieve gold stars on my "in my head good behavior sticker chart" ( i need a pair of brown flats..lol). i like my house and my neighborhood. i will not give these things up because my AH can be a selfish A-Hole. if he can finally tackle his demons-great. that done?...we can work on re-establishing trust and intimacy.
i am feeling good! lost 5 pounds, walking before and after work, redecorating bedroom myself with no interference, cooking, gardening, reading and .....heres the big one (lol)... watching television in my own space: WHAT I WANT TO WATCH. i am meditating and listening to music, (I have filled 3 i-pods) they are cast offs from my sons, why waste them? i come and go as i please. clean up after myself (except for those pesky coffee cups-still a little passive aggressive there huh!!!!)
I was able to let crazy parental and sister issues roll off my back, too many years of unrealistic expectations are effectively being dealt with by me. what a relief!!!! my parents will never change and my sisters were raised by them as well so even though their damage might be different than mine it is still real so i can be patient and understanding. But still keep boundaries in place.
here's the interesting part: since AH relapsed, and i told him he could stay but to consider us separated. i have been fixing up my son's bedroom FOR ME. my attitude towards him remains civil and i am detached from all his decision making. i have made it quite clear that i love him but at this point I HAVE HAD ENOUGH and i can no longer allow myself to be emotionally invested. he has been attending AA twice a week, joined a support group with his therapist and is meeting privately with his therapist once a week. it seems odd, but i find i don't ask, remind, cajole, or work any of my life around him. i needed to spend a day with my parents and found myself (for about 2 minutes) worrying about not being there to "supervise"--that was an eye opener to be able to explore that feeling in a detached way, and then move on. i wish i could describe the feeling, not good or bad just what it is. and it feels "grown-up" somehow. independent, no longer at fault for someone else's shit. not very invested in the outcome.
now, i have been criticized by some for letting him stay in our home. but i will not struggle financially any more than i have to at this stage of my life. i have worked hard, along side of AH for this fiscal stability, and to legally split is too costly on several levels. now i am free to participate in activities i choose, have decent retirement package, and reward myself when i achieve gold stars on my "in my head good behavior sticker chart" ( i need a pair of brown flats..lol). i like my house and my neighborhood. i will not give these things up because my AH can be a selfish A-Hole. if he can finally tackle his demons-great. that done?...we can work on re-establishing trust and intimacy.
i am feeling good! lost 5 pounds, walking before and after work, redecorating bedroom myself with no interference, cooking, gardening, reading and .....heres the big one (lol)... watching television in my own space: WHAT I WANT TO WATCH. i am meditating and listening to music, (I have filled 3 i-pods) they are cast offs from my sons, why waste them? i come and go as i please. clean up after myself (except for those pesky coffee cups-still a little passive aggressive there huh!!!!)
Replies
Taking care of ourselves .....you are a great example. Keep doing what you need to do. I am glad you are finding such clarity . Have a great day !