The Wedding Rehearsal
Yesterday, I went to my son's wedding rehearsal, then the dinner afterward. I didn't want to go. The rehearsal was at 6PM and by 4PM I was pacing like an animal in a cage. Everything in me wanted to just refuse to go, but I'm his mom, I had to be there. What kind of an idiot doesn't show up for her own son's wedding rehearsal? Not that everyone is an idiot for not making it to their son's wedding rehearsal, but I definitely would have been an idiot because there wasn't any reason for me not to go.
So, I made something to eat and took a double dose of my regular SSRI, and took a lorazepam. By the time we were on our way to the church, I quit feeling anything and by the time we got there, I was feeling a little bit happy. It was easy to smile, and everyone, including me had a good time. I was so thankful for those meds because otherwise, I'd have been a scattered wreck, shaking on the inside and tripping over my own feet, I kid you not. When we got to the dinner, I took another lorazepam. I ate, met the girl's family and enjoyed being there. I even ate steak and spicy corn on the cob which is a no no for me and my digestion at this time. The atmosphere around me wasn't a chaotic: Oh dear God! Am I doing anything right?!! Instead it reminded me of my late teenage days when we all got high on pot before going anywhere. Everything was mellow and good, I didn't embarrass myself or my son, that was the most important thing. I miss my husband being there. I wouldn't have needed drugs then. He had a big personality and would have reduced my anxiety to nothing. His picture is on a little table on the altar beside one of the mother of the bride. There will be grief as well as joy on both sides of the aisle during the ceremony.
Today is the wedding and the reception. I plan on using the same combination of pills to get me through that too. Then, after everything is said and done, I'll return to my cave, come down, let everything I heard and saw fall off, reorder my thinking, and become me again. I love the peace that settles in after that. I'm already looking forward to it.
So, I made something to eat and took a double dose of my regular SSRI, and took a lorazepam. By the time we were on our way to the church, I quit feeling anything and by the time we got there, I was feeling a little bit happy. It was easy to smile, and everyone, including me had a good time. I was so thankful for those meds because otherwise, I'd have been a scattered wreck, shaking on the inside and tripping over my own feet, I kid you not. When we got to the dinner, I took another lorazepam. I ate, met the girl's family and enjoyed being there. I even ate steak and spicy corn on the cob which is a no no for me and my digestion at this time. The atmosphere around me wasn't a chaotic: Oh dear God! Am I doing anything right?!! Instead it reminded me of my late teenage days when we all got high on pot before going anywhere. Everything was mellow and good, I didn't embarrass myself or my son, that was the most important thing. I miss my husband being there. I wouldn't have needed drugs then. He had a big personality and would have reduced my anxiety to nothing. His picture is on a little table on the altar beside one of the mother of the bride. There will be grief as well as joy on both sides of the aisle during the ceremony.
Today is the wedding and the reception. I plan on using the same combination of pills to get me through that too. Then, after everything is said and done, I'll return to my cave, come down, let everything I heard and saw fall off, reorder my thinking, and become me again. I love the peace that settles in after that. I'm already looking forward to it.
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