The waiting game

I am sitting here in my trailer waiting. I am waiting for the day to register for my classes. But that won't be until July 28th at 1:30pm. There are only about 80 spots left. I doubt they will be there when I can sign up. But I must be positive. I am waiting for my children to grow up enough to recognize just how much I love them and how cruel they have been to me. I am waiting for them to stop treating me the way their father treats me. They are not my X and should not treat me as he does. But I must wait. I do not qualify for any financial help of any kind and must wait till I am able to collect Social Security, if it still exists when I am finished waiting. I am waiting...but I try to do things. I just get so tired of trying. I do not have the patience everyone tells me I do. I go to sleep every night for as long as I can. I do laundry for me and my customers. I eat, go to the grocery store and get more food. I clean my trailer, feed the bird, water plants and I read books. I play games on the computer, and then I just wait. Is the waiting called depression? I have never felt depressed like others describe it, but I do just sit and wait. Then I get up and do things to keep busy and because they need to be done. Tomorrow is my X's birthday, he will be 58 years old. My children and he will be going to Comic Con Thursday thru Sunday, so there is no way I will hear from my children during that time period. My son is going back to school in August evidently before the 18th as the last time I talked to him he told me he could not see me for my birthday on the 18th. I got to see him a grand total of 2 times, he came home May 18th and won't leave until the 18th. He lives a matter of 10 minutes away. I spend most of my time at Dorothy's house which is right next door to his house, but he could never see me. He sees his father everyday and talks to him everyday. What is so wrong with me that I never get to  see or talk to my children? Why am I so awful???
What did I do in my life to warrant such treatment? Why do I feel like I am a good person and this is not how I should be treated. Why don't I know how to accept this and deal with correctly? Always it is why?
I try to forget or rather ignore these thoughts but they never go away, they always come back. I know when I am happy they come a little less,but they still come. I miss my children.