The waiting game
I am sitting here in my trailer waiting. I am waiting for the day to register for my classes. But that won't be until July 28th at 1:30pm. There are only about 80 spots left. I doubt they will be there when I can sign up. But I must be positive. I am waiting for my children to grow up enough to recognize just how much I love them and how cruel they have been to me. I am waiting for them to stop treating me the way their father treats me. They are not my X and should not treat me as he does. But I must wait. I do not qualify for any financial help of any kind and must wait till I am able to collect Social Security, if it still exists when I am finished waiting. I am waiting...but I try to do things. I just get so tired of trying. I do not have the patience everyone tells me I do. I go to sleep every night for as long as I can. I do laundry for me and my customers. I eat, go to the grocery store and get more food. I clean my trailer, feed the bird, water plants and I read books. I play games on the computer, and then I just wait. Is the waiting called depression? I have never felt depressed like others describe it, but I do just sit and wait. Then I get up and do things to keep busy and because they need to be done. Tomorrow is my X's birthday, he will be 58 years old. My children and he will be going to Comic Con Thursday thru Sunday, so there is no way I will hear from my children during that time period. My son is going back to school in August evidently before the 18th as the last time I talked to him he told me he could not see me for my birthday on the 18th. I got to see him a grand total of 2 times, he came home May 18th and won't leave until the 18th. He lives a matter of 10 minutes away. I spend most of my time at Dorothy's house which is right next door to his house, but he could never see me. He sees his father everyday and talks to him everyday. What is so wrong with me that I never get to see or talk to my children? Why am I so awful???
What did I do in my life to warrant such treatment? Why do I feel like I am a good person and this is not how I should be treated. Why don't I know how to accept this and deal with correctly? Always it is why?
I try to forget or rather ignore these thoughts but they never go away, they always come back. I know when I am happy they come a little less,but they still come. I miss my children.
What did I do in my life to warrant such treatment? Why do I feel like I am a good person and this is not how I should be treated. Why don't I know how to accept this and deal with correctly? Always it is why?
I try to forget or rather ignore these thoughts but they never go away, they always come back. I know when I am happy they come a little less,but they still come. I miss my children.
Replies
Honey, I DO believe you are depressed...and my biggest concern is this \"waiting\" business. I hate to say it, but nearly everything you said you are \"waiting for\" MAY NEVER HAPPEN!
Time waits for no man -- or woman, for that matter. Instead of wasting another day \"waiting\" for something which may never happen, you could be considering all the possibilities that COULD BE POSSIBLE!
You didn\'t DO ANYTHING to warrant the callous treatment. You ARE a GOOD PERSON and you DO deserve to be treated with love and respect. But you CANNOT EXPECT to get it from even your children! There are no \"laws\" that say they have to behave one way or another because God gave us all FREE WILL. It\'s hard to accept, but I personally think that all this \"the way families are supposed to be\" is pretty much a load of crap.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN \"FAMILY\" -- and KNOW that your TRUE FAMILY aren\'t always related to you.
Chin up, girl. It could be a Hell of a lot worse! This is YOUR LIFE and NO ONE can make it happy but YOU!
P.S. Happy Birthday...you just caught up with me - I turned (ohmyGodhowdidthis happen?) 58 in March.
xoxoxoo
Sorry CowgirlKathi I am a year older than you! I turned 58 last August! This August I will be 59...I know what you said is true. But never the less I am still waiting...I am trying to make my life happy and there are more and more moments when it is, I just wish I could stop these times when I seem to wake up and realize I am still waiting. God will not give me more than what I can handle, but my plate is full. On a happier note you are still a youngster! Thanks for the advice.
Hugs!
Alrighty Mac. I\'m sitting here trying to think of something \'good\' to tell you. I agree with Kathi that \'you didn\'t do anything\' to deserve this. Your husband is to blame, and that\'s that. He will be sorry someday. But like me, that won\'t help you now. You are doing all you can do to keep going. Each day should ease the pain. I go back and forth still.
The social security Will be there. What Republicans are trying to do is not take it from those near the age to collect. They are trying to make it for the younger ones to invest thier money themselves. If the government had not taken money out of the social security pot in the first place, it wouldn\'t be a mess. End of politial rant. LOL
I\'m sorry for you. I know how you feel. This big ole family of mine. Older ones helped to get to thier prestigous places in careers they have and they have not even attempted to offer me help. Whatever! We have to pick ourselves up and take the help from friends that offer.
You will be o.k. A little every day. It will be hard, but do try not to dwell on what they kids have done. I think they will come around some day. I know it\'s hard. But they will come around.
((hugs)) There is so much more in my brain. But I can\'t get it out. ha! I think it\'s great you started your laundry business. That is a good deal there. Hard work I know. Can you do some of the laundry at Dorothy\'s to save on the expense of paying for laundry mat?
No, but I do my laundry at Dorothy\'s! It makes me feel very sad to have you try to make me feel better. I have been at this way longer than most. That is what is bothering me. I should be all past this now. I should be able to accept and ignore all this. I thought we humans are able to block out of our minds bad situations, etc. Why can\'t I? I can\'t because more than anything on this earth, I want my kids to love me and talk to me and see me. More than anything else on this earth I want my X to treat me as nicely as he does all his other old girlfriends.For almost 20 years I had to live with all his old girlfriends, why can\'t I be just like them now. They got the best of all worlds, they dealt with him when they needed something and he was always sweetness and light to them. He would drop whatever he was doing and rush off to help them. That is all I want...to have him help me, be nice to me. Ignore all that writing. I am just a mess today. Things will get better.
I honestly think, just off the top of my head, that you are too close to your ex and the kids. That keeps the feelings raw and are not letting you move forward.
I can\'t and won\'t suggest you not to go to Dorothy\'s. She is your best friend and you both help each other. But it must be hard to be at her house knowing your children are right next door and you can\'t see them. That\'s a heavy burden for you. Damn near impossible to do and not feel what you are feeling. Sometimes knowing that is adding to your distress lets you accept or find a solution. Think when you feel your worst. When the kids are at home more than when your son is away at school? I bet your son has looked out of the wondows to see you. They are almost grown and are making grown up decisions that are hurting you and all you can do is watch from afar and hope. I know first hand that\'s a bad place to be.
There is a solution to this and I know you can find that acceptance that you so need in your life. Don\'t put a time line on healing. You are still dealing with a lot of fallout from your divorce.
Like me, you were the one to ask for divorce. Your ex lost a valuable possession and he\'s not happy so you have to be punished. My ex was fine till the divorce was final and then he got vindictive. I think and hope my ex is through punishing me.
Social Security will be there for you. Medicare too. You haven\'t done anything to be treated like this. Bad things happen to good people and there is not rhyme or reason why this happens. I pray you can fill your life with friends and work to help you move forward more. But you still have made great strides forward and I think you are doing great. Slow steps forward are good and you are making a life for yourself. (((HUGS)))
There is no time table and you have experienced multiple losses and that creates a lot of trauma and heartache to mange. You are not in the best of situations and that only combines with everything else to add to the struggle.
Keep reaching out sharing and know you are not alone.
Sharing here has kept me alive when i don\'t think I would have survived so much alone otherwise.
Did you get the classes you wanted?
:-) Patricia