The wave.....
Just got hit by a wave of hurt. I was thinking about... something. I don't remember. I'm walking down the hall at work and then slam. I just had this overwhelming need to breakdown. I started, but I then thought about it. Why am I going to cry? Maybe I'm just sad, but once my brain turned back on I recovered and came back to write this.
She NEVER had my back. I hung in there for so long hoping. Why wasn't she there for me? She said she loved me. I tried to support her in everything she ever wanted. At some point, maybe even when we first got married, I sensed something not being right. I turned in to a yeller. I was unaware of my frustration. I think I in part killed the marriage way back then. Yelling is abuse. I didn't know anything about my feelings. It has taken me this long and a few years of counseling to come to grips with the fact I have been angry....but why?
Did I yell first or did she neglect me first? Answering that question is impossible and the only outcome to the answer is that someone gets blamed. After two years of marriage counseling and saying that the past must be forgiven, I find that I was willing to forgive. I don't know what she thought though. I never will.
Any reason given doesn't really matter. It is over. I can only move forward.
I hope I never fall in love again. I want to be with people. I don't want to be a hermit. I'm so lonely yet the thought of ever giving my heart to someone scares me. Right now I could so easily fall into someone's arms, but it would be a lie. I would have a hard time living with myself knowing i'm seeking comfort but not willing to be able to totally reciprocate by giving my heart.
Overthinking things a bit I think.
She NEVER had my back. I hung in there for so long hoping. Why wasn't she there for me? She said she loved me. I tried to support her in everything she ever wanted. At some point, maybe even when we first got married, I sensed something not being right. I turned in to a yeller. I was unaware of my frustration. I think I in part killed the marriage way back then. Yelling is abuse. I didn't know anything about my feelings. It has taken me this long and a few years of counseling to come to grips with the fact I have been angry....but why?
Did I yell first or did she neglect me first? Answering that question is impossible and the only outcome to the answer is that someone gets blamed. After two years of marriage counseling and saying that the past must be forgiven, I find that I was willing to forgive. I don't know what she thought though. I never will.
Any reason given doesn't really matter. It is over. I can only move forward.
I hope I never fall in love again. I want to be with people. I don't want to be a hermit. I'm so lonely yet the thought of ever giving my heart to someone scares me. Right now I could so easily fall into someone's arms, but it would be a lie. I would have a hard time living with myself knowing i'm seeking comfort but not willing to be able to totally reciprocate by giving my heart.
Overthinking things a bit I think.
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