The wait...

I have been up the past few nights pacing the house as if that would help to ease all that I feel. Everyone keeps telling me I am handling the news of my great grandmother being in hospice well. I have received no reports since I got the phone call with that information and with the information that it won’t be long until she passes.  I feel so guilty for remaining in Texas and not by her bedside. I want to remember her as the strong resilient and strong woman she is not the weakened shadow she has become.  I feel even guiltier that I probably won’t go back to Ohio for her funeral. I just cannot bring myself to face that hell and the three ring circus that will happen.  Grammie and I spoke about it before as she was very open about her passing.  She told me if coming back to Ohio would hurt me in any way she wished for me to stay in Texas where I was safe. She did ask me to write her obituary and something for me or a speaker to read at her funeral. She also asked me to sing whether it is at her funeral or just alone by myself. How can I sing when my voice will be silenced? Right now I feel a charge in the air…and something is stirring within me. A great wave of grief is building up as I hold my breath and just wait. I pray that she isn’t suffering. I pray she is being well taken care of. I pray I have the strength for the storm to come.  I pray she meets her god, sees her mother and sons again…and enjoys the next part of her journey.  For me…I am so terrified. She is my past, she is my present…but what lays a head for my future? If she passes now she will not see me graduate from college…she will not get to meet her great great grandchildren. Most importantly my guardian angel will not be here. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I was brave to face the circus that will be her funeral.  However, I will be angry. Angry because my mom and brother who I haven’t spoken to in 6 years and who haven’t spoken to my grandmother will probably show up and cause a scene. I jokingly told my Husband if I go to Ohio he better have money to post my bail because I will be throwin’ down. I don’t think I could stop myself from just saying, “how dare you…you weren’t there when she was alive…why are you here now?!” Her heart was so broken because they treated her so poorly.  I am torn….Go and have her frail image as the last thing I remember as well as deal with the morons…or stay in Texas and mourn freely how I wish knowing Grammie wants me here in Texas where I will be safe. If I was in Ohio I would be at her bedside. Holding her hand, talking to her even if she didn’t respond…I know she knows I love her. I told her that all the time. She told me the same. I can hear her say it…I don’t want to forget that.  This is just so painful…. I hope everyone is well…  ~Bright Blessings~Rea