The Void

I am adrift and have been for a long time. 

Living in a rural and remote area was by choice. I spent a lifetime growing up and living in a Metropolis. Being unseen, unheard and unnoticed is freeing. I love being surrounded by the endless beauty of nature and all things that come with that. 

Yet, here I am feeling isolated. Then again I have felt isolated in a room of people I know.  I am not alone. I mostly enjoy my time alone but there is a difference between alone, being alone and feeling isolated. I like and mostly don't mind being alone but feeling isolated is not something I enjoy. 

I have friends but the majority of them are back "home" in the Metropolis I left behind. I have some friends where I am but my life and the lives of most people are so vastly different, here. I have nowhere to be, at any giving time so I have no schedule. I have no children or extended family so I have no obligations or people who need me.

What I do have are Autoimmune Diseases. They keep me busy with doctors appointments, tests, medications and side effects from both the diseases and the medications. It's off putting to the Healthy when they reach out over and over and nearly every time I am simply too ill to accept an invitation. They tend to stop asking. Unfortunately one of my character flaws is I don't reach out, I don't ask for help, I simply suffer through whatever it is I am going through. I reach out to my Medical Providers and my Therapist but only when it's absolutely necessary. 

I have been taking care of myself much longer than most. My childhood was abruptly cut short at 7 yrs when I was diagnosed with Type One Brittle Diabetes. I was already a mature child but the diagnosis and responsibility of the disease forced me to grow up. I was given the scared straight disease education. If you don't ..... you will go blind, you will loose your legs and then your kidneys will fail and you will die. As a result I have and continue to work hard at taking care of my disease.

I was also raised to believe that you are responsible for ALL of your problems and that you are to take care of them yourself without assistance or asking for help from anyone. As a result I am an incredible independent person, more hard headed than anything. This is both an asset and a disadvantage in all aspects of life. 

And why I find myself here.