The Very Evil Thoughts of an Ill, Frustrated Navy Wife...

Well, that time has come again where I must get used to being alone alot.  After the past 8 days (and more on the way) of hardly seeing my husband because his hours at work are really long these days, I am starting to wonder sometimes if he even exists.  I knew earlier in the year that his ship would be coming out of the yards this month, and this means very long hours, and starting sea trials.  Well....since last year when I was diagnosed he hasn't had to work such long hours.  I can handle being alone during the day, for the most part...but when he gets home at night he doesn't even say two words to me, he showers, and goes right to bed and doesn't even bother to say goodnight....like, he doesn't even realize I'm here.  I know he's so tired he could cry, but honestly, I'm tired too of getting up at 4:30 am to take him to work (and it takes me about 45 minutes each way since I don't use the highway) and then sitting here all day waiting for him to call to tell me to pick him up, then going all the way back to get him around 7 pm.  The apartment is always clean (though truth be told there are days lately when I just don't feel good and don't want to do anything but sleep) and he doesn't have to do a thing when he gets home so I don't think a simple hello and how was your day is asking for too much.  Last night he called from work to let me know when to come get him and he actually yelled at me over the phone, saying he was stressed out enough and he didn't need me adding to it like I always do.  When I told him to stop yelling at me I got the typical response of "you make me do it all the time, you always make me yell".  I didn't realize I lived in his brain and told him how to act but if I actually did I'd tell him to have a little more respect.   In any event, this week he is off tomorrow for Veteran's Day and then on duty Thursday to Friday.  Then he is home Saturday but then going underway from Sunday night until Wednesday at God only knows what time.  He told me I can catch up on my rest and this is true, but what he doesn't realize is that I get lonely.  I miss conversation and affection.  I miss HIM and he seems to think I'm being selfish by wanting him around.  He said I have no stress in my life.....EXCUSE ME???  Nope, no stress here.  Just a constant barrage of medication and fatigue and aches and pains now (don't know where those are coming from) and tummy aches from the medication, fighting with the people at Social Security, trying to be his emotional pit stop....I think he didn't listen to my social worker at Walter Reed when he was told that this is a very stressful time in my life.  I don't mean to take it out on my husband...on the contrary, I try to make things as easy as possible for him when he's here.  But all I want is for him to understand that I have things going on too and give me some credit.  He says I must feel fine because I never say I don't.  I don't say anything because Heaven forbid I push a problem on him.  I respect his career and he knows that but when he says things like "I'm Navy 24/7 and you just have to deal with that", it makes me wonder why he got married in the first place????   I guess I'm not being a very good military wife lately because I'm not supposed to be selfish and I'm not supposed to have problems and I'm just supposed to always accept what goes on in his life that causes him troubles but disregard the fact that I have problems too...so for the time being I'm going to tell this pesky little thing called liver disease that it needs to leave me alone so I can focus on taking care of my husband and letting him know that he's the best human being alive and he can do no wrong and that I'm eternally greatful and will forever kiss his arse for gracing me with his presence.  I think all that sounds just about as stupid as my husband is acting and gee, maybe I'll write him a copy of this just so he knows. Take care and God bless :)

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I was going to ask if you have/will show him a copy of this journal?? It might do him some good!!!!
None of my business, but from the way you describe it all he seems to be running away from the issues that confront you rather than embracing them.
I\'m sorry.

Craig
JOYHOLY
JOYHOLY

CHELSEY, I AM SO SORRY you going through this ,it happened to me,I can see myself,lonely ,shopping,cooking ,cleaning,and sad,with not a single friend,or anyone to talk too.When I married him he lived in another country so I moved and left family and friends,his where there,his mother started to hate me even before we got married,had I known I would said,goodby, not need a wicked bitch in my life,his sister , she would tell anything I told her in confidence,so I stayed, he worked at night and i had to be quiet all day,then he would get up and go to work where he had all his friends,I did feel like living,it was a disappointment,but I stayed,beliving that he deserved it because he was faithfull.years later I wanted to leave ,but he convinced me again and again,I bottled all my feelings and emotions,and started to be sick physycally and emotionally,he always stopped me from having any job,or independance.when he confessed that he had been unfaithful with his ex girlfriend ,a married woman ,he expected me to accept it and forget it,that is when I opened the bottle and it has been coming out since 2007,I have told him everything ,I was at last not afraid to tell him the truth,about our marriage and him...Now there is nothing,we share a house,I am not going anywhere,it is mine,,,don\'t wait 30 years, tell him how you feel,\'\'love\'\'is to be shared not abused,love is being patient to each other ,support,encourage,if you hide anything from each other ,it will fester and haunt you later,don\'t make the same mistake,I should have told him how I felt from day one,and maybe we could have found true love,instead we fought and I was always the submissive, I am sick because I never had the courage to say ,hey this is my life and I will live it my way not yours.Tell him the truth,love is what you want,CHELSEY I hope you don\'t find this upsetting,it is true.A big hug,take care of yourself,don\'t bottled your feelings ,share here, you have enough to deal with all the time,you don\'t need to feel this way,,love lucy..THE LORD PEACE BE WITH YOU,SHALOM,IN CHRIST ,LUCY..