The Very Evil Thoughts of an Ill, Frustrated Navy Wife...

Well, that time has come again where I must get used to being alone alot.  After the past 8 days (and more on the way) of hardly seeing my husband because his hours at work are really long these days, I am starting to wonder sometimes if he even exists.  I knew earlier in the year that his ship would be coming out of the yards this month, and this means very long hours, and starting sea trials.  Well....since last year when I was diagnosed he hasn't had to work such long hours.  I can handle being alone during the day, for the most part...but when he gets home at night he doesn't even say two words to me, he showers, and goes right to bed and doesn't even bother to say goodnight....like, he doesn't even realize I'm here.  I know he's so tired he could cry, but honestly, I'm tired too of getting up at 4:30 am to take him to work (and it takes me about 45 minutes each way since I don't use the highway) and then sitting here all day waiting for him to call to tell me to pick him up, then going all the way back to get him around 7 pm.  The apartment is always clean (though truth be told there are days lately when I just don't feel good and don't want to do anything but sleep) and he doesn't have to do a thing when he gets home so I don't think a simple hello and how was your day is asking for too much.  Last night he called from work to let me know when to come get him and he actually yelled at me over the phone, saying he was stressed out enough and he didn't need me adding to it like I always do.  When I told him to stop yelling at me I got the typical response of "you make me do it all the time, you always make me yell".  I didn't realize I lived in his brain and told him how to act but if I actually did I'd tell him to have a little more respect.   In any event, this week he is off tomorrow for Veteran's Day and then on duty Thursday to Friday.  Then he is home Saturday but then going underway from Sunday night until Wednesday at God only knows what time.  He told me I can catch up on my rest and this is true, but what he doesn't realize is that I get lonely.  I miss conversation and affection.  I miss HIM and he seems to think I'm being selfish by wanting him around.  He said I have no stress in my life.....EXCUSE ME???  Nope, no stress here.  Just a constant barrage of medication and fatigue and aches and pains now (don't know where those are coming from) and tummy aches from the medication, fighting with the people at Social Security, trying to be his emotional pit stop....I think he didn't listen to my social worker at Walter Reed when he was told that this is a very stressful time in my life.  I don't mean to take it out on my husband...on the contrary, I try to make things as easy as possible for him when he's here.  But all I want is for him to understand that I have things going on too and give me some credit.  He says I must feel fine because I never say I don't.  I don't say anything because Heaven forbid I push a problem on him.  I respect his career and he knows that but when he says things like "I'm Navy 24/7 and you just have to deal with that", it makes me wonder why he got married in the first place????   I guess I'm not being a very good military wife lately because I'm not supposed to be selfish and I'm not supposed to have problems and I'm just supposed to always accept what goes on in his life that causes him troubles but disregard the fact that I have problems too...so for the time being I'm going to tell this pesky little thing called liver disease that it needs to leave me alone so I can focus on taking care of my husband and letting him know that he's the best human being alive and he can do no wrong and that I'm eternally greatful and will forever kiss his arse for gracing me with his presence.  I think all that sounds just about as stupid as my husband is acting and gee, maybe I'll write him a copy of this just so he knows. Take care and God bless :)