The upcoming holidays.
I had a conversation with my daughter-in-law last night about the holidays. And I honestly don't mean to sound like a bitch. But she informed me how she and my daughter talked and they had everything all worked out. They would all be spending Christmas here with me. My oldest son starts a new Paramedic job Christmas night so they have everything planned with who, what and where. And I totally understand they have to plan because my son's daughter has to split the holidays with her mother. i know you're thinking I'm an idiot, but I get tired of the plans being made and then they tell me how it's going to be and I'm supposed to be okay with it. It's been this way for the last four or five years. They work out details with everyone else and then tell me when they will honor me with their presence and I'm supposed to be okay with it. I really don't know what I want to do for the holidays yet. I know I need to be with my family, but when the time gets here, I may not want to do anything. I don't know yet. Am I being completely selfish??
Replies
There is so much in life that one has no control over yet what you are going to go over the holidays is something that you must have a voice in.
The problem that I see is that this is the way it\'s been for the past few years so they are just thinking most likely that they are making it \"easier\" on you to continue on as they have in the past.
This year is different in so many ways for you so it\'s a new beginning of what the holiday are going to look like from year to year. It is not being selfish to be looking out after yourself and can you say to them what you just said here?
Allow yourself all the wiggle room that you need for the holidays and generally the anticipation of them is worse than the actual day. I know it is unique for each of us so only do what feels okay for you.
Wishing you the courage that is needed to speak your truth whatever it may be with how the holidays need to be for you this year. YOU matter as do your feelings and I\'m sure they are thinking that they are making it \"easier\" on you and if it does not feel that way just let them know.
Thinking of you and grateful you can share what is in your heart and know that you will make a decision that honors you.
Heartfelt hugs and so much understanding.
XO Joanie
I don\'t think you are being selfish, seems you are just feeling the limits of what you are able to do right now. It\'s one of the sad but true realities after losing a child. Those who have never experienced that loss can really never totally relate to what it feels like. Even though our family may think they are helping, it may not feel like help to us at all.
I remember when I started saying I couldn\'t do something after the loss of my sons. It felt very strange to me since I was usually the one in the family who planned things. I honestly didn\'t like feeling like I couldn\'t do those things, but I finally started listening to my body & heart. Even began honoring my new limitations & telling others if I felt I couldn\'t do something. Wow.the burden that was lifted off me.I so needed & appreciated! We may never be able to do what we used to, or maybe after some time we will be able to do small things again. It\'s fine.because we are doing what we can at the moment.
It\'s ok to take care of yourself now. When we lose a child it\'s kind of like a huge injury has happened to our heart. It takes time & gentle care for that serious injury begins to heal. We understand dear friend & we care.
Hugs of understanding..Vicki
NO! You are absolutely not selfish at all.. Do what you can and let them know that you may not have the energy to do to much.. I had a hard time for the 1st 3 years of the holidays.. You know I still would rather keep it simple, it will never be the same again for us after losing a Child. My son Ryan was 18 when he went to heaven, he would be 26 now, I can\'t believe it will be 8 years next April..I still don\'t feel up for the decorating and all that fun stuff when the kids were little, but after they are over I\'m glad I did it.. Take it easy and I\'m sure it will all work out! Heart to Heart Hugs! Kelly
I think that if it is bothering you that you need to speak to your family. If you speak from your heart I think they will hear you...good luck...love and hugs...Karen
I do not thing you\'re being selfish...or bitchy! You\'re being honest and that\'s good...that\'s necessary!
I agree with the others and think your family is truly making these plans as a way to help....from their eyes and their hearts, that\'s the way they intend it. And especially since it\'s been this way for several years.
I truly hope you\'ll be able to let them know your thoughts, feelings, and fears over the upcoming holidays and tell them you aren\'t sure what you\'ll want or need. I would make a plan B for myself and let them know about it. It\'s always better to have a backup plan in my opinion.
I face each holiday season with honesty. And each one has been different for me.....this will be my 8th Thanksgiving and Christmas....Kala\'s accident was on Jan 2, 2007. My family makes their plans and I either join in or I don\'t. The first year, I did not. I told every one I could not be here and I wasn\'t. My husband and I traveled for two weeks, getting us through Christmas and the first angel date. Since then, sometimes we travel and sometimes we share the holidays with family. They\'ve always understood and supported us with whatever our decision was for each year.
I have a unique situation this year due to my sons incarceration. I\'ve made my plans and told the family they can join in or they can do their own thing. One thing I know for sure, I WILL see my son on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day! That\'s what matters most to ME this year.
As Karen says, speak from your heart and your family will listen with theirs.
Much love and tight hugs, Teri
Thanks for the advice, ladies! It means a lot. In previous years, if I tried to make my own plans, I was told I was selfish and being unreasonable. I totally understand they have other family to deal with, but what happened to being respectful to your mother? My Robert was in and out of jail a lot and usually on the holidays. For once, last year he was not. And because their grandmother decided last minute to do Thanksgiving and it was going to be difficult for everyone to come here, I told them to just spend it with her. So I lost my last Thanksgiving with him. And yes, I\'m pissed about that. I get so tired of sacrificing my holidays to be with my family because they always plan their holidays with everyone else and I\'m last on the list. I\'m trying so hard to just get through day by day. So I don\'t want to make decisions for something in advance just yet. Just get frustrated about it.
Hugs to you all.
Penny