The Ugly Truth

My story is not a pretty one. Sometimes I wonder if this is really my life. When I was a kid I used to think I was in some nightmare and would wake up and realize that everything is just a dream.  Now I realize that I'm living in my own nightmare.  I try to figure out where it all went wrong, and just can't pin it down. Sometimes I think the song by The Wreckers is the story of my life, "Stand Still, Look Pretty" I was always quiet and reserved as a child.  I honestly don't remember much about my childhood except that I was always in trouble for something. My parents were practically babies themselves when I was born. Looking back, I know I wouldn't have been ready for family and marriage when I was 20. That's how old my mother was when I was born. They'd been married for 2 years. My parents were always spanking me for one reason or another. Sometimes with a belt or a switch from the tree or the back side of a fly swatter. Harsh!  I never really seemed to develop friendships and absolutely did not know how to act around other kids or boys.  I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandparents, and some time with my paternal grandparents.  My Granny was like a mother to me. I love her so much. She passed away 2.5 years ago and I miss her so!  What would I give for one more hug!? She used to "visit" me in my dreams for the few months after she went to heaven. I haven't seen her in a while.  But, I digress. My parents divorced when I was 9 or so. I don't remember any problems between my mom and dad as a child.  Right before the very end, I remember my brother and I coming home from school and no one was home, but our coat rack had been broken. I remember feeling so scared over that!  I honestly don't remember any fights between my parents.  We ended up staying with my dad primarily and he did his best to take care of us.  I don't remember any spankings when it was just dad and us. Maybe there were, but I don't remember.  My mom started partying a lot after the divorce, and had had an affair which was the cause of the divorce. She also started doing drugs and didn't have much to do with my brother or me. I think her drug use ultimately took her life. She died when she was 38. I was 18. I found some letters that she'd written to a friend, and a former lover but never sent.  both of the letters confirmed her use of cocaine. I was hurt and so very embarrassed to find this out. I thought it would be a poor reflection on me, and people wouldn't like me if they learned that my mother was on drugs. My dad remarried when I was in 6th grade. We thought she was really cool and nice, and she drove a Camaro (LOL). I remember my dad sitting my brother and me down to ask us how we'd feel if he asked <stepmom> to marry him. That was very considerate of him! Of course we were very excited for him and told him to ask her.  My brother and I were both in the wedding. Not long after the wedding, the craziness and the fights started. Oh, she was awful! Just awful! She emotionally abused us, and hit my brother once. He had bruises on his back to prove it. My mother found out and she was PISSED! She took pictures and let s-mom know about it and threatened to show it to the police.  S-mom never laid a hand on either of us after that. She just used my dad as her instrument to do her dirty work. S-mom was very controlling of all of us and just plain mean. She was the emotional/financial abuser in this situation. She controlled all of the finances, meaning that she took all of my dad's money and spent it all. She ran up tons of credit card debt. She cashed out my brother's savings account and used it for her personal gain. She made sure every time she was mad to tell me how worthless I was, and how I'd only grow up to be white trash "just like my mother".  Where was my dad in all of this? He couldn't stand up to her either! She would just nag and nag, and push and push until he exploded. Man, were those explosions scary!!! My brother and I used to get in the same room, and just hold each other and cry (not in a sexual way, but to try to comfort each other if that makes sense). The screaming and bad words were horrible and could last for hours!!  I wasn't allowed to do anything -- like cook or my own laundry. I didn't even know how do do my own laundry until I was almost in college, and I had to ask my grandmother to teach me!!! Pitiful! Me: even though I was shy and didn't have many close friends (wonder why), I was very friendly and everybody knew me.  I was (maybe still am) quite pretty. I was beauty queen, homecoming queen, salutatorian of my HS class, won academic awards and scholarships, cheerleader in high school and 1 year of college +Nothing I did was ever good enough -- if I came home with a 98 on a test, "why wasn't it 100". Even when I took AP Calculus and had a 99 average for a grading period!!!!! WTF!!! +You need to try to be more like ...+they bought me a car when I turned 16. It was used to manipulate me to no end.+"you will only grow up to be like that whore of a mother of yours"+"you will never amount to anything"+"you were a MISTAKE!" YES! She said this to me and told me the story. My dad was so heartbroken to confirm to me that I was an unplanned pregnancy. What an evil bitch!!!+"It's either me or the kids" -- ok this was said to my dad, but he chose... the kids!!! Yay dad!!+"your mother is nothing but a drug addict and a whore, and you're going to be just like her" Once, we left for a few days and stayed with my grandma.  I was 16 at the time, because I was driving.  We loaded up the car to leave, and crazy bitch was running out the door to stop us. I had no idea that she was out there (it was dark) and I HIT HER WITH MY CAR!  Never have I ever been so afraid in my life. I jumped out, apologized profusely and asked if she was ok.  Oh man... that was a bad night!   Finally, I graduated high school and spent the first year of college living at home and going to a JC. Then, I transferred to a 4 year university 3 hours from home. I moved out and rarely went home.  Never went home for a summer break!  My, how I loved the freedom of being in college. My, how I discovered that I loved to party. I made lots of friends, many that I still keep up with today.  Yet, I was still living someone else's dream and vision.  I decided to choose a major because s-mom thought it would be a good field. BAD DECISION and still living with the consequences of that decision.  In my last 1.5 years of college I met my H. He was a friend of my good friend's brother. Her family LOVED him, and thought he could do no wrong! They all talked about how wonderful he was.  He is a few years older, and had already graduated and was living out of state. He swept me off my feet. I was looking for an escape from my messed up family situation, so I either chose to ignore the red flags or didn't know what to look for.  maybe a little of both. The abuse started a few months after we began dating, but it was very subtle initially. I'm going to write another entry about that.  He would buy some of my plane tickets to go visit him. Someone rear-ended my car, and I was freaked out about telling my parents about it because I knew they would go off! So, he sent me a check to cover the cost of getting it fixed (it was <$100, by the way, a tiny little place where paint was taken off the bumper) -- parents STILL don't know about that. LOL. S-mom was very jealous of the time I was spending with him and my going to visit frequently. She used to threaten to come take my car away if I went to see him. One time, I rented a car to take to the airport, because I believed her threat!! Finally, I started taking up for myself with her and fighting back. They kept pressuring me to start making payments for the car (which was the 3rd or 4th new car I'd had by that point).  You know that any amount that you owe on your trade in gets tacked on to the price of the new car.  So, the payments for the little Civic were about $450 per month. I could barely pay my rent and cover other expenses. So, I said "screw you -- you can take the damn car! I don't want it. I'm sick of you continually holding it over my head.  I'll be bringing it home next weekend and I don't want to hear from you again."  And I did.  I called my grandparents to ask if I could use one of theirs, and they let me.  It was nowhere near as nice as the one I was giving up but I didn't care! I was out of their control! Yeah! For the remainder of my time in college, if I came home, I would not go to the parents house. I would stay with my grandparents and my dad could come visit me there if he wanted to see me. I felt so empowered! Yeah! I had stood up for myself! But, trouble was brewing elsewhere. My H convinced me (didn't require much convincing) to move to CA with him after graduation and that he'd help me get on my feet. The early days were great! I was so happy!  Happy to be with him, happy to be away from the parents, and happy to be making my way in CA.  He helped me pay off my credit cards.  We decorated the new house, had a lot of fun. Then, I started noticing that he didn't want to go out to bars/clubs with me, which meant that I could not go. He started getting critical of me, but not terribly so.  I believed him that it was all my fault and I was whatever he was saying at the time.  He didn't care to hear about my day or what was going on with me. There were infrequent outbursts and the good times were great! We got engaged.  He didn't want anything to do with the wedding  planning.  I just chalked it up as "it's just not a guy thing". He sucked me in to his fake world. "my dad always helped clean the kitchen up after dinner, and that is how it will always be with you too."  yeah right. That lasted once. but the words grabbed me, and I believed him. I had second thoughts about the wedding, but I went through with it anyway. This still cuts deep.  After the wedding, I wanted to start talking babies and figure out when he'd want to plan a family.  He'd always shoot me down and would never want to talk about it, and even said he wasn't sure about having kids! This is after he had told me that he wanted 2 or 3 and always looked forward to being a father.  Hearing that he'd changed his mind about kids really hurt me and rocked me to my core.  It is something that I'd always dreamed of and knew I would be a good mother.  I felt that it was  a rejection of me -- he didn't want to have kids with me.  Then, we got pregnant. Of course, we weren't planning it. I was so freaked out!!! I took a few pregnancy tests and they were all positive. I called my employee assistance program becasue I needed someone to talk to so badly. I thought he was going to kill me when I told him!! But, he came home from work and I told him that I needed to talk to him about something important. I had already been crying, and just started bawling again. He was so gentle and tender with me at that moment.  He said, "Hey, it's ok.  We're married and we'll get through it, whatever it is." So, I told him about the pregnancy. I can't say he was happy about it, but he wasn't pissed in that moment either. He went with me to my first doctor visit and we talked to the doctor. He went to the ultrasounds with me. He was mostly supportive throughout.  Then, towards the end of the pregnancy, the anger came out. He told me that he was furious with me for getting pregnant and that he didn't think he'd ever be able to forgive me for that.  He frequently brought that up during our recent marital couseling sessions as well.   I come to terms with pregnancy and get excited about this new baby growing inside me. I ate very healty and stayed active. I went to childbirth classes. H went to some of them as well.  Baby is born.  He wouldn't let me pay the extra $$ per day to have the private room. He wouldn't let me spend money on a nice nursery or crib. the crib was shoved to a corner of the guest room/office. I guess this was his punishment for me getting pregnant.  Anyway, I was a stress case in the hospital.  It was noisy, and the baby wasn't latching on well and my boobs were in PAIN! OMG the pain! Worse than giving birth - and I went au naturel!  Then my roommates baby cried a lot, and her visitors were so loud! Then there were workers drilling and doing work at my door. I wanted out of there so badly! Where was my H? Oh, he went home.  He slept at home the first night. The second night, I made him stay at the hospital.  He complained about the chair that he was given to sleep in. So, I told him to sleep on the hospital bed next to me since no one was occupying it. The staff werent' too happy about that one!  The next morning, he went home again, leaving me at the hospital with a newborn and a ball of nerves!  We went home from the hospital that day, and he dumped me off at home and went to work!!! I was so nervous. I didn't feel stable on my feet. I didn't think I could hold the baby and walk. It was awful. H's mother was coming out to help me with the baby, but she didn't think he'd come early, so she wasn't scheduled to arrive for another 2-3 weeks!  I just tried to survive, and everything became about the baby. H was no longer the center of my world. He started doing things on his own a lot more than before and didn't let me in. He didn't talk to me about what was going on either. I just thought he wasn't interested in being an involved father. Now, this is not to say that he didn't love his son. He does -- he loves our son very much. He just totally withdrew from me and it was really bad.  Now, we just kind of live parallel lives and I need a change from this. It is simply not working for me.  That's all I can write for now.