The Twilight Zone
I've always believed that God allowed those things to happen to me so that I could reach out to others who are hurting, but I have only recently started to seriously try and figure out how that is going to look. Some days, I feel like I still have a lot of healing to do.
Yesterday marked the 30 year anniversary of my stepfather's (my abuser's) death.
I was already grown and gone when he died, but my sister (his natural daughter) was only 13. He had divorced my mother and married her sister about 5 years prior to his death. Years later, I learned that he had also molested my aunt's children. (Since I was 10 when he started with me, and they were five and seven when he died, I always assumed they were too young... I was wrong.) My own experience, although horrific, paled in comparison to what those children suffered. For me, that was like a second betrayal. Last year, I learned that one of those children, the boy, who I already knew had a serious drug addiction, was convicted of child molestation (his girlfriend's daughter). I was devastated. Hearbroken and angry at the same time. I had always told both of them that if we acted out or did things to hurt ourselves or others, then he wins...and I am not about to let him win! Of course, I still did a lot of damage to myself over the years, but as far as I am concerned, but buck stops here! As far as I know, my step father never touched my sister, but he was mentally and emotionally abusive to her, just like he was everyone else. As I said before, I was already grown and gone when he died. I didn't come back to live in the area for another 12 years or so. Four years ago, my sister ended a twenty year meth addiction. She has totally committed herself to the Lord, has a great job, and is raising two great kids on her own. So, imagine my shock yesterday when I opened facebook, and the first thing that met me was a collage of pictures of my stepfather. My sister's post said: "It was 30 years ago today that my dad died.... 30 years ago that my life changed forever. He was only 47 years old, I was only 13. I wish I could talk to him now. I sometimes wonder how life would have been, if he had been here longer.... but I trust that God knew what He was doing"I don't know how many comments there were because I had to stop reading it. Many of them offered sympathy for losing her father so young, and others (including some of his family) said how handsome he was...I wanted to scream at them..."Are you kidding me? HE WAS A MONSTER! He ruined children's lives!"Part of me wanted to comment, but I didn't. I didn't "like" it either. Part of me wanted to call my mother, but I didn't see much point in that either. What I did do, was pour my heart out to God, and believe it or not, throughout the day, He used fb posts from other Godly women, some famous, and some not, to show me that He is right here with me. My husband called when he was on his way home from work. I told him about my day, and when he walked in the door about 45 minutes later, he had brought me a single rose. (I love that man...btw, he is a survivor too). When we sat down to talk he asked me if I had remembered what the day was before I had seen my sister's post. I told him, no, but Mom had mentioned it last week, and how it is always a 'bad day' for her..." My husband response was a quiet "Unbelieveable." Today, is a better day. I feel kind of drained, but after the emotional stress of yesterday, it's not surprising. Although I didn't post anything about my day on facebook, and until today hadn't discussed it with anyone, but the Lord and my husband, I got words of encouragement from unexpected sources.
Yesterday marked the 30 year anniversary of my stepfather's (my abuser's) death.
I was already grown and gone when he died, but my sister (his natural daughter) was only 13. He had divorced my mother and married her sister about 5 years prior to his death. Years later, I learned that he had also molested my aunt's children. (Since I was 10 when he started with me, and they were five and seven when he died, I always assumed they were too young... I was wrong.) My own experience, although horrific, paled in comparison to what those children suffered. For me, that was like a second betrayal. Last year, I learned that one of those children, the boy, who I already knew had a serious drug addiction, was convicted of child molestation (his girlfriend's daughter). I was devastated. Hearbroken and angry at the same time. I had always told both of them that if we acted out or did things to hurt ourselves or others, then he wins...and I am not about to let him win! Of course, I still did a lot of damage to myself over the years, but as far as I am concerned, but buck stops here! As far as I know, my step father never touched my sister, but he was mentally and emotionally abusive to her, just like he was everyone else. As I said before, I was already grown and gone when he died. I didn't come back to live in the area for another 12 years or so. Four years ago, my sister ended a twenty year meth addiction. She has totally committed herself to the Lord, has a great job, and is raising two great kids on her own. So, imagine my shock yesterday when I opened facebook, and the first thing that met me was a collage of pictures of my stepfather. My sister's post said: "It was 30 years ago today that my dad died.... 30 years ago that my life changed forever. He was only 47 years old, I was only 13. I wish I could talk to him now. I sometimes wonder how life would have been, if he had been here longer.... but I trust that God knew what He was doing"I don't know how many comments there were because I had to stop reading it. Many of them offered sympathy for losing her father so young, and others (including some of his family) said how handsome he was...I wanted to scream at them..."Are you kidding me? HE WAS A MONSTER! He ruined children's lives!"Part of me wanted to comment, but I didn't. I didn't "like" it either. Part of me wanted to call my mother, but I didn't see much point in that either. What I did do, was pour my heart out to God, and believe it or not, throughout the day, He used fb posts from other Godly women, some famous, and some not, to show me that He is right here with me. My husband called when he was on his way home from work. I told him about my day, and when he walked in the door about 45 minutes later, he had brought me a single rose. (I love that man...btw, he is a survivor too). When we sat down to talk he asked me if I had remembered what the day was before I had seen my sister's post. I told him, no, but Mom had mentioned it last week, and how it is always a 'bad day' for her..." My husband response was a quiet "Unbelieveable." Today, is a better day. I feel kind of drained, but after the emotional stress of yesterday, it's not surprising. Although I didn't post anything about my day on facebook, and until today hadn't discussed it with anyone, but the Lord and my husband, I got words of encouragement from unexpected sources.
Replies